Jane Thompson (Hasenmueller) Blog: Choosing Happiness After Divorce

New Blog and website

2011-05-31T17:06:00.000-05:00

June 1, 2011 is the launch date for my new website, www.janeannthompson.com. Please join me there for my blog on health and happiness or to order my book, Choosing Happiness After Divorce. Sorry it has taken so long to get the new site running, but life interrupted. See you soon!

Great News!

2010-12-06T21:06:00.000-06:00

Hello readers! Sorry for the dropping out of sight. We had some changes in circumstances around here that has caused some tough times, but forgiveness goes a long way in healing the upset and that is the road I am on! But now for the great news! I have a new website coming that will include my blog! As soon as I am set up I will get the word out and tell you where to find me! Look for the ability to have my blog delivered straight to your email and lots of features to make the sight fun and exciting! I am learning about Twitter and will be joining to send you messages each day! "What's making me happy today" will be the theme with something different each day to think about! Hope you are all enjoying the holiday spirit and celebrating with friends and family your blessings each day! prayers and love to all!

Choosing Happiness in God's Love

2010-08-04T11:52:00.000-05:00

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

I Thessalonians 5: 16-18

My brain is overflowing with information from the She Speaks Conference of Proverbs 31 Ministries, but more importantly, my heart is bursting with the impact of this amazing experience. Surrounded by women in every season of life, hearing incredible speakers, attending seminars with a wealth of wisdom, I am happy and blessed to have been a part of this event! I participated in a speakers evaluation group and connected with a group of women who will long remain in my memory and heart. (We managed to get a picture of almost all of us just before departing.) There were 608 women in attendance at the conference. The air was filled with the electricity of all the vibrant personalities, the laughter, the tears, the chatter; sometimes I would just stop and listen to the buzz of it all! All the speakers had messages that hit home with me and I know with the others in the room. Lysa Terkurst, Angela Thomas, Karen Ehman, and Beth Moore who made a special video appearance, sharing with us insights on drawing closer to God through letting him speak through our messages.

God has not always been a presence in my life. He had a questionable presence during my formative years and once an adult I went through an agnostic period. I only came back to God when after my divorce I knew I could not walk through this world alone. As I began to seek him and pray to him, I felt his presence and have seen the evidence of his presence in my life. This weekend filled me with his spirit and convicted me to share with you the impact he makes daily in my life.

Whether you believe in God or not, as you heal from divorce, I encourage you to seek his presence. Maybe like me, you grew away from him at sometime in your life, and realize now you would like to have him present again, begin to pray and soon you will see the evidence that he has never left you. If you have never had the presence of God in your life, I encourage you to begin on the most incredible journey of your life and seek our lord and savior to guide you and protect you, to comfort and council, to love you far greater than any human is capable. Pray that God will enter your heart then begin to study and learn what he has to offer. Put your faith in God and your life will change. Choosing happiness is made so much easier when God is walking there beside you. Seek the help of spiritual leaders, faithful sisters and brothers in Christ, and study your Bible daily. Take these steps and I know your happiness will be there for the enjoying! Prayers and Love to you all!

She Speaks

2010-07-30T07:06:00.000-05:00

What a beautiful morning! I am in Concord, North Carolina to attend the She Speaks Conference (www.shespeaks.com) held by Proverbs 31 Ministries (www.proverbs31.org) This has been a goal of mine ever since I heard about this conference two years ago, and now I am finally here. I will be attending a pre-conference this morning to learn about marketing my blog and book (desperately need this help) and also I will be part of a speaking evaluation group to help build my speaking platform. I feel blessed to be here and to be supported and encouraged by my sweet husband who is my number one supporter! So I am exuding happiness today and going to enjoy each and every moment of this experience. The great thing is though, we can all value and enjoy even the smallest moments in our lives. Attending a conference like this is a dream come true, but my life is a dream come true because I am living and enjoying even the smallest blessings. I encourage you today to think about your smallest blessing and write about what this means to you and why you are blessed in this way. I talk a lot about my garden in my blog because I feel so enriched by each growing and living thing I help come up out of the ground and produce. Yes, maybe a small thing, but important nonetheless. I'm sure you have some of these simple blessings too. I hope you will take time to write them in your journal and reflect on the beauty and joy in your life. Choose happiness!

A few summer thoughts

2010-07-22T06:56:00.000-05:00

I have had an incredibly busy summer so far and have let the blogging slide, but glad to be able to post again though still away. One of my sons and his family were out visiting for a week and we had a glorious time! I hope some of you are having a bit of time to catch up with friends and family, maybe do a little visiting or having family in for a few days. We live in such a hurry up world I think we forget to slow down and enjoy the moment. Whatever your circumstances, take the time to do something for yourself in the way of friends and family. Fix a fun summer meal and have a few friends over or maybe all meet for an extended lunch on a warm, sunny day! Take a drive and have a hike with the children. Pack lunches and picnic. No matter how busy you might be, taking time to make summer memories is well worth the time and effort! Spend some time writing in your journal some ideas for finishing out the summer with some fun!

Summer Travel

2010-06-24T09:33:00.001-05:00

My Air Force father kept us on the move throughout my childhood, which I believe led to my sense of adventure and love for travel. Each new town brought new friends, new scenery, and new challenges, some good, some not so great, but that life style formed my ability to go with the flow (most of the time) and to easily make friends. I never felt disadvantaged by having to pick up and move. As an adult, however, I found myself in the same small town for 24 years, with one three year detour up the road 30 miles. I enjoyed raising my boys in one place. They are still friends with some of their kindergarten playmates, a luxury I never experienced. I did introduce them to the world though, through books, movies, and some travel, but I'm not sure any of them have the same love for the road that their mom does!

If you are able to travel, even if only short trips in your home state, take your kids on a road trip now and then. Allow them to plan the trip with you and to map out the route. If you enjoy camping, don't be afraid to go it alone with the kids, just pick safe spots where you know you are fairly well protected, such as KOA campgrounds or National Forest campgrounds. Most of these close the gates at 10:00 p.m. and have enough other campers in close proximity to keep you from feeling isolated from help should you need it. Camping not for you? Try an overnight trip to a hotel with a pool. My sons loved to take the two hour trip to Lubbock, TX to stay in an Embassy Suites that had a pool. And if you are unable to travel anywhere at all this summer, then take yourself and the kids to your public library and pick out books on the countries you would like to visit. Be sure and find books with lots of pictures and spend some time sharing with each other adventures you would like to have. Keep your mind and your kids open to the world around you. Helping them to understand that there is a big world out there will keep them open to all the possibilities that lie before them. Children become hopeless when they have no sense of a future and of course adults can feel that same hopelessness too, so I encourage you to travel this summer whether by car or plane or virtual, just get outside your routine world and go for something new. And if you have no kids at home, don't be afraid to travel alone. I learned a lot about myself during the years I made trips alone. I enjoyed the sense of quiet and peace that allowed me to think deeply and make decisions. Take some books, your journal, and a sense of adventure. Life is short. Enjoy and choose to be happy!

Art Projects

2010-06-23T16:13:00.000-05:00

Well, I created a masterpiece of art, and ran off and left it at my cousin's house. She is sending back to me, so I will post a picture at a later date. We had a great time with our little pieces of art which I wrote about in my last post, and though hard to imagine how the process would work, when we got right down to painting the work was quick. I hope you have spent some time choosing some kind of art in which you would like to engage. There are so many fun projects to attempt, so many ideas in magazines, on line, in stores, that any one of us should be able to come up with some kind of art project at any given moment and the great thing about doing so is the fun you will encounter. If you have kids out of school for the summer, finding some simple art projects for them to do when you all come home at the end of the day can give everyone a moment to reconnect and relax. Sitting down to do something creative together can bring about conversations that might never occur otherwise as everyone flies about in their own little world. Yes, even teens can be encouraged to join in on an art project. I hope you will give this a try. I'd love to hear from any of you who give this a go. Write and let me know what you created. You just might be the inspiration someone else needs. Choose happiness by taking action!

Breast Painting!

2010-06-14T11:38:00.002-05:00

I have escaped the heat of Memphis to Warrensburg, MO, on a road trip across the mid-states to Colorado with the final destination being Albuquerque, NM. My younger sister and I are visiting our cousin here in Warrensburg and having a great time catching up, seeing her incredible art (you can view at: www.teresadirks.com) and making our own art. After moving across the state to this beautiful city, she got involved with a fund raiser for breast cancer in which women are painting with their breasts. That's right, their breasts! We have viewed a few of the pieces and today will be making our own. We have painted the background canvas and will later today finish our paintings. I'll fill you in later on the experience! This morning our conversation centered around creative arts and how as a society we have somewhat lost our creative urges and buried them beneath television and busyness. When you think back on generations past they spent their evenings sewing or painting, making instruments or furniture, painting or playing instruments. Evenings were a time to visit with one another and often times revolved around just such projects as these. In my book, Choosing Happiness After Divorce, I talk about the importance of finding projects to creatively engage your mind as this helps us get outside ourselves and explore new ideas and have fun. If you haven't tried any kind of art project in awhile, why not give one a go? Even if you just grab some crayons and color, you might be surprised how stress relieving it feels! In your journal, make a list of art projects you would like to try and don't forget about using "found" objects around the house or bought inexpensively at a garage sale or flea market. Take some time for you and even if you can't give up your television time, try some art while watching! Choose happiness!

Dating

2010-06-09T08:13:00.000-05:00

I recently spoke to the Single's Community at Hope Presbyterian and dating after divorce is always part of my message and always a question that comes up at the end. I always encourage people to date someone for two years before they commit to remarriage, but I am so often surprised by the reaction this receives. "Two years? Isn't that a long time?" My question in return then is, "What's two years compared to another divorce and the heartache that entails?" The reason I recommend two years is that anyone can be on their best behavior for a year, managing anger or control issues or any number of difficulties, but in the second year, as a couple moves into the comfort zone, that is when any real issues are going to surface, the "mask" comes off and the skeletons come out of the closet! On the other hand, if both parties are being honest and open with each other, the second year is when you move into the comfort zone of deeper commitment and understanding, bringing you closer together before you make the final move to marriage. However, this is only going to be true if you are actively and consciously considering what you want in your next relationship!

Attorneys will tell you 9 times out of 10 they will see the same person for their second divorce because their client has married someone just like their first spouse. Dating for two years isn't going to make a difference if you are not willing to do the work it takes to break from the familiar and seek what is best. In other words, you have to take action to make a different choice. I knew from my first marriage I did not want to fall into a relationship with a controlling or jealous man. I had been there and knew this had been the slow poison that sucked the life out of our marriage. When I went on a date with a man, one date, who became jealous and angry over a funny comment I made, I told him goodbye, that he was not the man for me. I knew then I had broken the barrier, that I was going to be able to make a better choice because I could really SEE what I didn't want and call it out. I didn't just miraculously arrive at this ability, I worked hard to get there. I wrote daily in my journal about what I wanted in my next relationship, what I wanted to bring to the relationship and what I wanted someone else to bring as well. I made lists of character traits and qualities, wrote about morals and values, and what I hoped to have in common. And then when I did begin to date a man that tentatively fit my description, over the course of the two years we dated, I realized as he revealed himself to me, that he definitely was the man I had been writing about. We have now been married for four and a half years and not a day goes by that I am not thankful for the blessing of a good man who loves me and adores me and whom I love with all my heart.

I encourage you to take the time to do the same. Don't let your heart overrule your head and fall into a relationship based on emotion. Emotions are fleeting, but thinking and working on what you want and need is the path to a great relationship. Write and write and write in your journal about the qualities you want in a new spouse, but also write about what you want to bring to that relationship. It's not about finding the perfect other, it's about growing yourself and a relationship into a constantly forward moving connection! Choose to take an active part in forming a great relationship and choose happiness!

Tomato sweet and easy!

2010-06-04T10:45:00.001-05:00

One of my firm beliefs is that we all need to eat healthier. We live in busy times, but our health is so important and taking care of our health is vital to our happiness. As a child, I remember well my mother's fondness of tomatoes, but especially of those ripe juicy off the vine summer tomatoes that store bought can't compete with, so this is in honor of her. Today I am sharing an easy salad to have along side a sandwich or with an evening meal. Enjoy!

Slice a ripe tomato into 1/4-1/2 inch slices
sprinkle with kosher salt
cut 4 basil leaves into thin slices (kitchen shears work the best, but can be accomplished with a knife)
grate 1/2 ounce of mozzarella cheese over tops
sprinkle with the cut basil
drizzle with olive oil

Simple! Delicious! Healthy!

Graduation

2010-06-03T15:52:00.000-05:00

There is inevitable joy in a graduation ceremony and last night was no exception. I love the sense that life is just beginning for these high school graduates; there is such hope and excitement in what lies ahead for them. Watching my many students over the years walk across similar stages I always feel the frustrations, the upsets, the exhaustion of the end of the year, fade into the background, replaced with the memories of the aha moments, the class discussion that sparked a withdrawn student, the kindness observed between two in the halls or the reassurance from a student when no one else was around that he or she really liked my class. These are the moments that keep a teacher returning year after year to a classroom.

So what does this have to do with choosing happiness after divorce? Well, as I thought about all of this last night, I realized the end of a marriage is somewhat like a graduation. Something fraught with all emotions has come to an end and just like my seniors graduating with all the choices they must now face, we also have many decisions to make. We can be like those who go on to successful lives by thinking positively and taking an active part in their growth, or we can be like the students who never quite understand that they must take responsibility for themselves and make their life their own. Though divorce is stressful and hurtful and difficult, each of us has to choose how we are going to face this new season in life, and whether or not we will be happy.

Take time to write in your journal, keeping in mind the idea of "graduation," and write what your plans for the future might be. There are endless opportunities in front of you if you open your eyes and your mind to all of that which you can conceive. Choose happiness!

Change

2010-06-02T08:19:00.000-05:00

June 2nd! Where did the last month and a half go? Sorry I have been away so long, but taking on a teaching job again took some adjustment! I have found being back in the classroom energizing and fun. I didn't expect to find myself teaching again, however, the challenge has made me think that much more about choosing happiness. When faced with changes, they can often feel overwhelming, but deciding to make the best of changes is what leads us to still choose happiness. No matter the season you find yourself in, no matter the circumstances, you can still be happy. I encourage you to look at all the changes that have occurred in your life and look for what you learned from them, or how you were affected. Make a vow to yourself that if you have not accepted change well in the past, that any future changes will be different. Take time to really think through and write about even the smallest positive that resulted from change in your life. When you start looking for the positive, you will see more positive. A friend once gave me a card which said on the front, "Bloom where you are planted!" and I kept it posted next to my mirror for many years to remind myself to live my best each and every day. Are you blooming where you have been planted? Are you making the best of whatever your situation? Take the time to write in your journal and think this through. I need to take my own advice today as I have fallen short on my writing lately and I know how much this helps when thinking through our day to day challenges. Choose happiness today and meet change head on!

Take time to notice

2010-04-21T08:13:00.000-05:00

No matter how hectic your life, taking time to "smell the roses" is vitally important! Taking time to notice the little things in life makes your own life better. I have an acquaintance who rarely takes notice of the beauty around her, nor is she able to take note of the people around her in any significant manner. Her life is consumed with thinking about how hard HER life is every moment of her day. Unfortunately, her life is hard because she cannot see anything but this. Don't get me wrong, I am not making light of her problems, but consider this, when you believe your life is so difficult that you only think about you, then you are missing the opportunity to make life better, to choose the happiness that will definitely make life easier. We all have problems, we all have difficulties, but our perspective is what weights the load. Take time to note in your journal the little things that bring a smile to your face and if you aren't noticing anything to make you smile, then it's time to get outside yourself and start looking around! Choose happiness and choose to "smell the roses."

Interesting read

2010-04-07T14:32:00.001-05:00

I just finished reading Lit, by Mary Karr. This is her third memoir. Having been a fan of her first, The Liar's Club, I decided to give this one a go too and she doesn't disappoint. I thought I would mention this book today in connection to my last blog on prayer and meditation. In this memoir, she describes her journey from alcoholic to recovered alcoholic, from married to divorced single mom, and when she finally gave in to a higher power, how her life dramatically began to change. If you are looking for a good, inspiring read, I would suggest this book. She describes how she hit rock bottom, but then dragged herself back up, kicking and screaming the whole way, until she finally let go and put her faith in someone besides herself: God. Karr describes how prayer became a part of her life and the difference this has made for her. As you deal with your daily struggles, are you reaching for a higher power? Give faith and prayer a chance and see if you don't find a difference in your life. I know I did during my darkest hours and I have grown exponentially since that time. Spend some time writing about your doubts, but then write about what you have to lose by letting go and putting your faith in God. I think you will find you have nothing to lose. Choosing happiness is about putting problems in a new perspective and giving them to God allows you this opportunity. Choose to be happy!

Prayer power

2010-03-29T17:15:00.000-05:00

Meditation or prayer, whichever you choose, can be the means to allow you to find peace in your life. I know some of my readers may not be of a Christian background specifically and recognize that your spirituality may be a meditation tradition. I believe in God as my higher power and hope you will still find encouragement in this writing. I grew up in what I would term a fundamentalist religion, permeated with rules and religiosity with not a lot of grace and forgiveness going on. My first husband did as well, though my family was Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night attenders, his was Sunday morning at best. Nevertheless, we brought our children into this religion as well. And then somewhere about the age of thirty I just could not bear to be a part of this any longer. My questioning actually started around sixth grade, when I began to really read the Bible for myself. I started questioning my Sunday school and Wednesday night Bible teachers as to the inconsistency in what the Bible said and what I witnessed as the behaviour of people in church. Here Jesus was talking about love and the power of prayer, but I was seeing a lot of judging, nonacceptance of "sinners" and unkindness, and I just wanted to know WHY???? Why weren't people following the Bible? Why did they talk about prayer and then not believe that God would answer those prayers? Why, when other religions come up did the leaders in this church I attended say others were all going to hell? Could they not read? Could they not see that God, right there in every book of the New Testament talks about the GRACE of God? Exhorts us to pray and ask specifically for what we need from God? To believe that he will ANSWER prayer? I actually even gave up on God during a really difficult time in my life, thinking there was no point. Then divorce occurred, the absolute most difficult point in my life, and something in me knew I had to rely on someone higher than myself and I turned back to God. I attended church with a Catholic friend and when I started viewing people engaged in their beliefs, I started feeling a spark of belief in myself again, and though I was unable to buy into a religion that needed me to pray through a priest, I soon started praying on my own and attending other churches. Though for many years I did not connect with a church home, I began to have an active prayer life again and started seeing a difference in my life. When I knew I was ready for another relationship, I even began praying specifically for the kind of man I hoped to meet, to love, and to love me. I also began to study how to pray and realized God wasn't looking for our poured out list of wants, but specifically gratefulness and awe in what he provides and in all created. My life has been blessed far more in the years since I began to pray in this manner than in all the previous years of my life. I hope in this difficult season of your life you are looking to God and praying for strength and peace. I have found that writing a prayer list and writing some of my prayers helps me to be more mindful and thoughtful. Try this in your journal and see if you don't find a difference in your life. Spend some time in study about prayer. There are many great resources available. One of the best articles I've read on prayer can be found at: www.gnmagazine.org/issues/gn83/lesson-prayer.htm This goes through the "model prayer" often known as the Lord's Prayer and explains the model he provided us and how to follow the tenets of the prayer. I believe in the power of prayer. I hope this will encourage you to give prayer some thought in your life and try the power! Prayers and love to you all as you choose happiness!

Family

2010-03-26T22:14:00.001-05:00

There is nothing like being with family! Enjoying the smiles, the laughter, shared meals, long ago stories retold to grandkids, and the talk. I love talking with my sons, their wives, girlfriends, grandkids; such an amazing experience. Time flies and I realize, as I say over and over: live your life!! Live it now and live it well! Enjoy the moment! Time is so short and who knows how many days we have. Spend some time writing about the times you enjoy with your family. Remind yourself there is so much for which to be thankful. Choose happiness and live!!!

The stress of change

2010-03-24T18:27:00.000-05:00

Hello readers! Sorry I have been away, but I'm now getting settled into the teaching routine again and so I will be back to posting regularly. Thanks for your patience. I have to say, teaching again has been a bit exhausting, but very energizing and especially in a totally different environment than I have experienced before. This has reminded me that when our circumstances change, the stress can be quite overwhelming. Psychologists report that change, whether positive or negative, often causes the greatest stress in our lives and I have definitely been feeling the stress. However, being aware of this and really paying attention to the simple things I can do to alleviate stress is keeping my level to a minimum. A couple of ways to keep stress to a minimum when you know you are going to be dealing with change is to be sure and get plenty of sleep (see an earlier blog on sleep deprivation) and to also eat as healthy as possible. When stress levels are out of control, depression, anger, frustration can definitely set in and none of these are going to help your happiness level. Divorce is certainly a huge change and next to the death of a spouse or child, the most stressful life event you will face. If you are recently divorced, or even going through divorce, you will need as many stress fighting strategies as possible. You may need to seek psychological counseling if you become overwhelmed. There is nothing wrong with doing so. If you have recovered from the divorce, but still dealing with many changes, whether positive or negative, try the two simple stress relievers mentioned above. You might also consider a yoga class or stretch and relaxation class. Finding positive ways to deal with the stress is important. This makes choosing happiness much easier!

You are what you think

2010-03-09T16:17:00.001-06:00

I listened to Earl Nightingale's The Strangest Secret while on a road trip this weekend and was reminded of the most important key to choosing happiness. That key is: you are what you think! Every thought that we allow in our heads affects how we think and respond to life. Negative thoughts will breed negative actions. Self-defeating thoughts will find you defeated and on and on. So I had to stop and think about what my thoughts have been lately and take stock of the importance of staying on top of those thoughts and not letting them spin into the negative. I'm doing pretty good these days, but then I've been working on this for many years. Teaching yourself to avoid negative thoughts takes time, but can be done. One of the best ways to avoid the negative is to turn off the television. I know all the reasons people say they watch television, but the thing is, none of the reasons really hold true. It is not relaxing, it is mind numbing; it is not thought provoking, it is thought manipulation; it is not a way to spend your spare time, it is a means to waste time, time that could be spent in so many more relaxing, thought provoking, time enhancing ways! Television is addicting too and believe me, that is one of the reasons I say it should be avoided because I LIKE television and know how addictive it can be; however, I have realized the amount of time it takes away from my life and once I quit watching I really didn't miss it. I have a much easier time staying positive and I waste far less time than I once did. You will find this to be true too if you just give it a chance. Trust me, a month from now you won't even miss it and when you do happen to watch, you will find it tedious and annoying. Ten years from now you won't be saying, "darn, I sure missed out by not watching television," but you will be saying if you continue to watch, "where has my time gone? Why have I not improved my life or become more successful?" You can't grow your personal life if it is spent in front of the T.V. You cannot change your thought processes if they are numbed or over stimulated by television. You are what you think! What are you thinking these days? I hope you are spending time thinking about your life and about happiness. Choose happiness!

Work!

2010-03-03T21:34:00.000-06:00

When I opened the blog tonight, there was last Friday's blog on sleep deprivation and I am feeling that way right now! I want to share with you that I just went back to teaching English full time. I was hired Friday and started work Monday and I am EXHAUSTED! But incredibly happy in these hard economic times to have found a job and one that I am enjoying greatly. It will take me a week or two to get on top of things no doubt, so please bear with me and I will be back on the blog daily as soon as possible! Have a great weekend everyone! (saying that a little early as I probably won't have the chance to post again till Monday!) Choose happiness everyday!

Sleep Deprivation

2010-02-26T14:21:00.000-06:00

I woke up around 4:30 this morning and could not go back to sleep. I tossed and turned; I counted sheep; I prayed; I said the 23 Psalm; I did yoga breathing and nothing helped. I let my thoughts wander and lay awake until the alarm went off at 6:00 and then I had to get up and be ready for work. While my thoughts did wander, I thought about sleep deprivation through one of my streams of consciousness, and decided I need to write about this. You see, for many years I was in the field of education. During my early years, there were many nights I was up late as there just wasn't enough time in the day, so it seemed, to accomplish everything that had to be completed. But the realization finally hit me, that when I didn't get enough sleep, I did not give my best to my family, nor to my students and fellow faculty members and I did not accomplish as much when I was tired. I decided sleep had to become a priority.

Adults need 7 to 8 hours of sleep each night according to research and while there are those who sometimes claim to need less, research now shows that these people are sleep deprived and do not perform well on simple tasks. Also, those who sleep less than or more than the prescribed hours on an on going basis, tend to die younger than those who sleep the 7-8 hours. (Information from the Mayo Clinic website.) Additionally, children need much more sleep than we do as adults. I found an easy chart for babies at Babycenter.com and the number of hours infants and toddlers need is far more than most children actually get these days.

Because my early morning thoughts turned to lack of sleep I recalled those years before when I so consciously guarded my sleep and since I would be substitute teaching today and didn't want to be grumpy with my students I was concerned about being unable to return to sleep. Which led to me then thinking about choosing happiness. How can anyone choose happiness if they are sleep deprived? And how can you expect your children to be happy if they are sleep deprived? Maybe we could be a kinder nation if we all bothered to get enough sleep each night. We spend a lot of time running around from activity to activity, from chore to chore, and once we are exhausted we collapse into bed after yelling at the kids to go to bed, falling into a fitful sleep from which we know we will be awakened in far too short of time. And if this pattern goes on and on, your effectiveness as a parent, as a friend, worker, etc. will diminish. However, if you make sleep a priority, maybe you will find yourself accomplishing more and your relationships improving. I encourage you to make an all out effort for you and your children. Having troubled bedtimes with the kids? There are many websites which offer lots of effective ideas, but most importantly, remember, you are the parent and you have the final word. The Babycenter website warns against thinking your child does not need as much sleep as recommended. Children who can't fall asleep at night are generally sleep deprived. So take some time in your journal to come up with some new bedtime routines for the family and see if you can't help everyone have a happier day! Choose happiness by giving yourself the chance to be rested.

Southwestern Black Bean Casserole

2010-02-25T11:59:00.000-06:00

Thursday is recipe day! This is one of my favorite casseroles of all time. I adapted it from a recipe that appeared in Sage, an insert in the Albuquerque Journal, many years ago. It is an easy dish, and healthy if you follow the suggestions in my notes. I hope you and your family or friends will enjoy it!

1 pound lean ground beef, turkey or chicken breast strips (which is my favorite)

2 cloves of garlic, minced

1 can of black beans (or double and cut back on the meat or add no meat to make this a vegetarian dish)

1 8 ounce can tomato sauce

1 Tbs. chile powder

1 can Ro*tel

2 cups of broken tortilla chips (this uses up the "crumbs" in the bottom of the bag)

1 cup light Daisy Sour Cream

1/2 cup scallions

1 - 2 cups of grated Monterey Jack Cheese

1 cup lettuce, shredded

3/4 cup of grape tomatoes sliced in half

(NOTE: I use baked tortilla chips to cut down on the calories. Choose turkey or chicken to additionally lower the calorie count. I choose Daisy brand sour cream because I know it has no chemicals and is TRUE sour cream. [Compare labels next time you shop!] I use real cheese, but the lower end of the amount listed above so I get the flavor, satisfaction, and richness of cheese without too many calories. I always feel like the low fat cheeses don't satisfy and it takes more to get the "taste" of cheese. )

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Spray a 2 quart casserole dish with non-stick cooking spray and set aside. Brown the meat in a large skillet; add garlic and saute until tender. Drain off any fat. Stir in beans, tomato sauce, chile powder, and Ro*tel. Heat to boiling. Place broken chips in bottom of casserole. Top with bean and meat mixture. Sprinkle with cheese and bake for about 15 mins until cheese is melted and bubbly. Remove from oven. Spread sour cream over top. Sprinkle with scallions. Serve with shredded lettuce and tomatoes.

Enjoy!

Laughter

2010-02-24T11:24:00.000-06:00

I wrote a blog some time ago about laughing clubs. I had read an article, or maybe it was in a book, but it told about these clubs in India that are laughing clubs. The idea is everyone gets together and laughs! Laughter is healing and it really is the "best medicine." One of my readers came across that entry recently and made a comment about starting a club so the topic has been on my mind again. I can think of no better way to spend a little time than laughing.

We recently invited a young single mom to live with us until she finishes her semester of college. Her mother, whom she had been living with, moved away, and she just needed a place to stay until May, we have two empty rooms upstairs and so offered them to her and her 17 month old daughter. This little girl loves to laugh and makes me realize just how contagious laughing really is when you are around it. Laughing is great for the soul.

If you have not felt like laughing much, and can't seem to make yourself laugh, rent some funny movies and get after it. Laughter has actually been proven to heal and what do you need now more than anything? Healing from your pain. You might also try watching some YouTube. There always seems to be plenty there to make a person laugh! In your journal, write about an incident that made you laugh. Also, make a list of funny movies and when you get down, take the time to watch one and cheer up! Or better yet, get a group of friends together and form your own laughing club. It wouldn't hurt and could help you to choose happiness!

Poor me!

2010-02-23T11:06:00.001-06:00

"Ah, poor pitiful me. My story is so sad, my life is so hard, I am the only one who knows this pain, this despair, or these difficulties. Poor, poor, me."

Could this be you? We have all had moments of self-pity and divorce can certainly make us feel this way, but if a case of feeling sorry for yourself goes on and on and on, you are doing yourself no favors, and will find happiness pretty difficult to come by. When you feel sorry for yourself you cannot see that you are not alone, that others have been where you are and have survived and thrived, because all you can see is how bad you think your life is and the belief entrenches in your head that it can never be better. In other words, if you think your life is terrible, it is terrible and it will be terrible. Feeling sorry for yourself will never allow you to heal or move forward with your life. It will keep you stuck in a sucking quagmire of pity. And you know, it's kind of a selfish mode of being because you want others to feel sorry for you too! None of us know the problems and difficulties others are dealing with and though their difficulties may not be the same as yours, they can be just as burdensome and painful as yours; they just aren't pleading for the sympathy of others. It becomes very difficult to be around someone who can't move on because they suck the life right out of you. And the worst, is when they ask you for solutions and then tell you why the solution won't work for them. That is the ultimate pitiful person. Don't let this be you. Each day take time to look around you and see the difficulties others face. You have your health? Then think about someone who lives in dire pain each day. You have a roof over your head? Then think about someone who lives on the streets. You have food everyday? Think about someone who is starving. Look and listen to those in your circle of friends and consider that what might seem great on the outside, could be hiding some very difficult problems. Listening can be the key here. When you become full of self pity, you often are not listening to others on any level because everything in your mind is about you and your problems. Philippians 2:3 states: "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than yourself." When you stop feeling sorry for yourself, you can put empty conceit behind you, (it is conceit to think you are the only one with problems) you can feel empathy for others, and you can begin to feel a burden lift from your shoulders. Write in your journal all you have to be grateful for and how you might begin to stop feeling sorry for yourself. If this has been you for some time, it will take some time to pull yourself out of that pity, and begin to celebrate all the good that life really has to offer you. You may also find yourself enjoying the company of others again, because maybe they aren't ducking for cover when they see you coming! Choosing happiness has to include ending the pity party!

Wonder! Wonder! Wonder!

2010-02-22T08:06:00.000-06:00

Have you ever noticed a child in wonder at something in the world? Children can become engrossed in something so simple or so small, their excitement evident on their little faces, but as adults, we often have quit enjoying the wonder of the world and miss out on the simple pleasures a child can find incredible. Webster's defines wonder in the verb form as: "1. To feel amazement or admiration. 2. To feel curiosity or uncertainty. 3. To feel inquisitive or uncertain about." When was the last time you felt wonder at anything? A long time? I encourage you then to take time today to be in wonder at something! Anything! Snow still on the ground where you live? Go harvest some flakes and look at them under a magnifying glass! Spring beginning to show signs? Take a moment to consider the bud on a tree or the first bulbs that produce a flower! Turn on your computer this morning? Those of us old enough to remember a typewriter might still wonder at the glory of the invention! And if nothing else, if you turned on a light in your home this morning, isn't electricity wonderful? Our lives are full of wonder if we pause to take a moment and notice. Take some time today, and everyday, to wonder at this amazing world we live in. Write about the small wonders in your life, or write about a time that filled you with wonder, but wonder!!! Yes, I am exclamating all over the place today because wonder makes us do that! Have a wonderful day and choose happiness!

Quickie!

2010-02-20T13:40:00.000-06:00

Just a short note today readers! I heard this somewhere recently, "If happiness is what you want, happiness is what you get!" And isn't that the truth? Happiness requires that you want it by taking on the attitude of happiness and though every moment of every day is not going to be happy, if we have a happy attitude it's going to go a long way towards helping you "get" happiness. When we think our life is bad, it is bad. When we think it will never get better, well it won't. Happiness comes when we look at life in a positive manner. Take a negative in your life and turn it around in your head and before you know it, the negative doesn't look so bad. This is where the journal writing can really help you out. Write about something that is really getting you down. Take time to look for the hidden blessing or the "what if it was worse" and find what can make you feel grateful! We live in a country of so much plenty, so many opportunities, that it is well within your reach to take every negative and turn it around. Have a happy day! You are breathing, you are alive! Celebrate! Choose Happiness!

Beer Butt Chicken

2010-02-18T14:18:00.047-06:00

Here is the second whole chicken recipe as promised. This is beer butt chicken! The picture does not do justice to how crispy and golden the skin on this chicken turned out, but cooking one this way makes for a fully browned and deliciously moist chicken.

Again, for those of you who have never prepared a chicken before, please check out this site for step by step preparation instructions: http://www.helpwithcooking.com/cooking-poultry/roast-chicken.html It is really important that you have that clean work surface and that you clean thoroughly once finished. I always prepare mine in the sink. I clean it well first, then ready the chicken. Once I put it in the crock pot or oven, I then go back and clean the sink again with a bacterial cleanser to be sure I have left no juices behind to contaminate something else.

Preheat oven to 425 degrees. After you have prepared your chicken, stuff the seasoning of your choice under the skin. I used garlic on this one and some kosher salt. Open a cheap can of beer, drink 1/3 of the contents (or pour out that much) and then, in an oven proof deep skillet or roasting pan without the rack, slide your chicken onto the beer can and arrange the legs so that you have a tripod effect with the chicken standing up. Rub the skin with a little olive oil, and place in hot oven for 15 mins. Turn temperature to 350 degrees and cook an additional 1 3/4 hours, or about 20 minutes per pound total. That initial 425 degrees is to crisp up the outer skin a bit.

When chicken is done and juices are running clear, remove from the oven being careful not to tip the bird over. Allow chicken to sit for at least ten minutes to settle the juices. Then take either a pot holder or several layers of paper towels in one hand and heavy tongs in the over and while holding the bird with the tongs over the pan, pull the can out from the chicken. There will still be beer in the can so this is a bit messy. This is easiest if you have a helper, but you can do it yourself. If someone is helping me, I usually grab the bird and lift it up as someone pulls out the can.

Place chicken on serving platter and carve. I like to serve this with rice and a vegetable, and you can make a gravy from the drippings in the pan if you like. Use leftovers for sandwiches.

This is a tasty, moist chicken and fun to make. Kids especially like to see the chicken sitting up in the pan so be sure they see the fun!! Enjoy!!

A Problem or an Opportunity

2010-02-17T17:15:00.000-06:00

Sometimes a God ordained opportunity comes as a really well disguised problem. (paraphrased from In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day, by Mark Batterson.) I wrote this down sometime ago and don't know the page number, but then in my journal wrote how divorce can be just this, a problem with a God opportunity attached. You may feel you are in a pit of despair, but maybe out of that despair will rise a greater opportunity in God that you never knew possible before. When we have problems in our lives, God does not expect us to sit back and lie down, he expects us to use it, to grow and learn, and guess what, that can be exactly what happens after divorce. I take great comfort in this verse: "God sometimes uses sorrow in our lives to help us turn away from sin and seek eternal life." 2 Corinthians 7:10 (TLB) My own experience tells me this is true. My sorrow has led me to now seek him out.

I was headed down a Godless road in my first marriage. I married someone without the same vision of God in his life as I had in mine, and his vision won out in the end. I did not stick to the path and I was led down a very rocky road for a long time, which at any time I could have stopped, but did not. I stopped believing in God and well, sort of shook my fist at him and said you can't possibly be there or this would not be my life. When things got really bad in the end, and our almost 23 year marriage ended in divorce there was a part of me that was horrified, and a part relieved. I never knew where I stood with my first husband and spent much of those years with knots in my stomach, always on edge, and unsure of myself. I soon realized I wanted to find God again and began to slowly rebuild the relationship I had once had with God, this time into a real and deeper relationship based on more than church attendance, but based on study and devotion to living a spiritual God filled life. And this is now my journey, and will never end. Out of my sorrow has grown a devotion to God and a desire to share with others how you can find your way out of the pit of despair and into the light.

So I ask you to consider this: What will you learn from your experience? Will you be a better person or a bitter person? In your journal, consider which you want to be and how you plan to accomplish the better! Bitter or better? Choose happiness!

A Season of Snow!

2010-02-16T13:45:00.001-06:00

I heard a report yesterday that there is currently snow in all 50 states! Yes, even Hawaii has snow on it's highest peaks! My facebook page has had numerous comments from friends and family about the snow and we even had a light snow here night before that should have melted the next day, but it is so cold, the snow has not melted and everything is still white. I'm afraid everyone is growing weary of the winter season. So what does all this talk about snow have to do with happiness? I started thinking about the seasons and how some years a season will be particularly difficult and isn't it the same in our lives. The seasons of our lives vary throughout the span and just as the seasons of a year are varied and sometimes harder than others, so are the seasons of our lives. No matter the season you are in, maintaining hope and making the decision each day to choose happiness can help you weather anything, and being thankful for even the smallest things in your darkest hours can help ease the pain.

As you weather this difficult season in your life, look for the small moments for which to be grateful and celebrate each day by making the decision to move forward. Spend some time writing in your journal those little grateful moments and writing about this season in your life as well. Look for this dark time to only be a "season" and know that life will get better with each step you make if you choose happiness.

Forgiveness

2010-02-15T11:30:00.001-06:00

Forgiveness is a tough issue no matter your marital circumstances, but forgiveness is the surest path to peace in any one's life and one of the greatest ways to choosing happiness. In a single mom's discussion group I lead, the question recently arose that if she forgave her ex, wasn't she saying what he did to her was okay? Additionally, he is still giving her a hard time, so isn't forgiveness out of the question? The pain was evident in her face, but there was anger there too. So what is the answer?
Forgiveness is not so much about the other person as it is about you. Forgiveness allows you to put the past behind you and to move forward into the future. It does not mean what someone did to you was okay. However, when you don't forgive others you are constantly looking back over your shoulder and cannot move forward in a sure manner. Forgiving others puts you back in control of your life and takes control away from the other person, because he or she is controlling you through your thoughts and actions when you do not forgive. Also, by not forgiving, you are carrying around anger, bitterness and possibly hatred for the other person and this only affects you and your peace of mind. It does not affect the other person.

Are you letting someone off the hook then by forgiving? Absolutely not. You still have the ability to say what you did to me was wrong, but it is over and I'm moving forward. This is where forgetting then comes in. We can forgive someone, but we won't forget. In not forgetting we are setting the boundary we need to be sure we do not allow the person to repeat the action against us, and to also learn how to keep someone else from hurting us in the same way. This is where setting boundaries after divorce, or in any case of forgiveness, is important. If we forgot what happened to us, we would allow the behaviour to repeat against us. We can forgive, but we don't have to forget, because we need to learn from what happened.

Colossians 3:12-13 (NCV) states: "God has chosen you and made you his holy people. He loves you. So you should always clothe yourselves with mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other, and forgive each other. If someone does wrong to you, forgive that person because the Lord forgave you." Likewise, we need to forgive ourselves too when we mess up. Sometimes we do a great job of forgiving others, but walk around with a load of guilt for something we did, but again, moving forward requires forgiveness for yourself and not forgetting so you don't do it again. Forgiveness is never easy, but it is necessary for a happy life. Here's another verse from the Bible on forgiveness: "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32 (NIV) If you are having trouble with forgiveness, try writing one or both of these verses down and post them in a place you will view frequently. Forgiveness is a sure way to happiness.

Spend some time writing in your journal how you might begin to forgive someone who has hurt you. Remember, this is about bringing you peace of mind and heart. Write about the lesson you have learned from this hurt and how you might set boundaries to keep it from happening again. This may take some repeated writing to help you clear your mind and heart from the hurt, but it will be well worth your effort! Choose happiness!

Happy Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T08:11:00.000-06:00

I know, I know, Valentine's Day? Divorced and not feeling the love? Sadly, we seem to think we need this one day to celebrate love. Television ads and store displays certainly shout that message; however, love is something we should be celebrating everyday and not because we have a partner in our lives, but because we have many "love" relationships in our lives. And while it is nice to take a day to emphasize the love, I encourage you to make this a day to emphasize the love you have for all the people in your life. Think how blessed you are by just being alive and being able to hug someone today! There are so many cliches about love, but think about why: love really is all we need; love is the answer; what the world needs now is love sweet love; and you know many more I'm sure! Love is powerful, and when we have love for all our fellow beings love brings a peace to our lives because we are love filled. And consider this, when you are full of love for others, and truly at peace, that is when you are most likely to meet someone else to share that love because if hate or anger are dwelling within you, they will lash out at some point against a new love.

I encourage you to celebrate today the love you have for others! Call a friend, hug a neighbor, play games with the kids or bake cookies together, and love yourself too! Life is too short not to fill it with love!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Routines help!

2010-02-12T15:02:00.001-06:00

We all need some routine in our lives to keep things on an even keel. When you are a single parent, having routines in place for many different aspects of your life, may be a life saver. When life is coming at you in all different directions, it may be difficult, but your life, and the lives of your children will be easier to handle, and easier to choose happiness if you set up some routines and stick to them.

We all tend to be caught up in a frenzy of activity, believing that our kids have to be involved in lots of different sports, after school events, or social activities to be the best they can be and as parents, we often think we need to be involved in lots of activities too, to prevent boredom or to stay up with others, etc. All of these activities keep us running at a ridiculous speed and there is no time to set any sort of routine. We are lucky to just make it through the day. However, no one is going to be hurt by slowing down, taking a deep breath, and just enjoying each others company or the company of a good book, or playing a game together, or any number of things that a family can do together around the house. You will be a closer family for the effort and everyone will feel better. And setting some routines will help you slow down.

Routines help everyone in a household. Setting a routine up for getting everyone out the door on time in the mornings can help alleviate the tension, yelling, and hurt feelings that occur when everyone is running late. Routines for an early bedtime can help soothe the children and give mom or dad a break before hitting the bed themselves. Research shows that children need plenty of sleep, up to nine hours, and that unfortunately in our activity crazy society, most children do not get enough sleep most nights of the week. Setting routines for dinner and for other daily activities can help the household run smoother and easier.

Implementing routine may take some time and kids may balk at the change if you have had a "whatever" attitude, but if tensions are flaring and no one is getting along, routines can help. And remember, above all other things, you are the parent and if you do not take on the parent roll your children will suffer. You can say no and you can say this is how it is going to be! Need some help? Try a program like Love and Logic. http://www.loveandlogic.com/ This may really come in handy if you are struggling. Or take a look at some of the excellent books on raising children and use a few minutes each day to find ideas to implement.

Write up a routine you would like to implement in your home. Go through the steps in logical motion and then you might even post the list on the refrigerator for the kids to read, or you read to them, and begin, one routine at a time, to give you all some time to slow down, enjoy each other, and to choose happiness!

Easy crock pot chicken!

2010-02-11T12:11:00.000-06:00

Good morning readers! It's Thursday and this is recipe day. I would like to share two distinct ways in which to cook a whole chicken. Both are easy and result in a really great meal when paired with rice, stuffing or potatoes and a vegetable of some kind. This week I will start with the crock-pot chicken. For those of you who have never prepared a chicken before, please check out this site for step by step preparation instructions: http://www.helpwithcooking.com/cooking-poultry/roast-chicken.html It is really important that you have that clean work surface and that you clean thoroughly once finished. I always prepare mine in the sink. I clean it well first, then ready the chicken. Once I put it in the crock pot or oven, I then go back and clean the sink again with a bacterial cleanser to be sure I have left no juices behind to contaminate something else.

For crock pot chicken, turn the crock pot on high and place the lid on while you prepare the chicken. After thoroughly preparing the chicken, I stuff salted crushed cloves of garlic under the skin in as many places as possible. I use anywhere from 6-10 cloves, cutting large cloves in half. I also tuck a sprig of fresh rosemary under the skin on each breast and over each side on the back. Look for the edges of the skin and gently pull it up; the garlic and rosemary will slide right in as far as you want it to go! This seasoning seeps into the whole chicken for really great flavor. I also put about a tsp of salt in the cavity of the chicken. I then place the whole chicken breast side down in the crock pot (if you have the crock pot bags, use one; they make clean up super easy). Leave the crock pot on high for the first thirty minutes and then turn to low. Allow to cook a total of 7 hours on low or I have left one as long as 10 hours if away for the day. If you are walking out the door as soon as you put it in the crock pot, it is fine to go ahead and turn the pot to low. I always start out on high to just be sure the crock pot is hot. You can cook the chicken on high if you prefer and it will be ready in four to five hours, but won't be quite as tender. Once the cooking is complete, I take the whole chicken out of the pot and place into a large bowl. Use a very large spatula or spoon to get up under the chicken and lift it out. Sometimes it falls apart in the process, so use a slotted spoon to fish the rest out of the juices. I then use a fork to remove all the meat from the bone, placing the meat in another bowl or platter for serving. The meat will literally just fall off the bones. Throw the bones back into the crock pot, put on the lid, and allow to cool. I usually leave mine overnight and the next morning, just lift the bag out and throw away, or when I don't have a bag, the remains will come out gelled together for easy cleanup. Refrigerate the leftover chicken and use the rest for another meal or for really great sandwiches. I usually cook a chicken like this at least every other week and sometimes more often because it is so tasty and easy; it is also nice to have on hand for many other recipes that call for chicken. Enjoy!

Next week I'll share my other whole chicken recipe. I hope you enjoy this one. For busy parents, this one is the best because it takes little time and can go for so many purposes. Cooking is about creating community. Bring your family together at least three to four nights a week for a meal around the table with the television turned off. Research shows that children who eat as a family at least this many times a week perform better in school and have better relationships with others. Choose happiness!

Three small steps

2010-02-10T11:26:00.000-06:00

Guarding our hearts after divorce can be difficult at best, but so important in avoiding making a mistake. Roughly 50% of first marriages in our country end in divorce, 63-67% of second marriages, and 73-75% of third or subsequent marriages end in divorce. To keep yourself from being one of these second marriage and beyond statistics it is going take some time and effort to find the best person to become your partner. Divorce lawyers will tell you, that nine times out of ten, they see their clients marry the same type of person they just divorced and the client ends up back in their office within a few years. Believing that your life will be better if you just have someone else to love is going to get you in over your head with pain because the truth is you have to make your life the best it can be with yourself first before you add another person to the equation. So how do you do this? By taking time and learning who you are and what you want for sure.

Did you ever see the movie Runaway Bride, with Julia Roberts? In this movie she keeps running away from marriage right before reaching the alter. What she finally comes to realize, through the assistance of none other than Richard Gere, is that she doesn't know herself and cannot commit to someone else if she doesn't know who she is first. After taking the time to discover what she wants and why, she of course ends up with Richard Gere, and though I cannot promise you a Richard Gere, I can assure you a better chance of happiness with a partner if you have taken the time to figure a few things out before you remarry.

This is where those journals can really come in handy. First, take the time to write about the qualities you want in a partner. How are they like or different from your first partner. I knew I did not want anyone controlling or jealous in a second partner and because I verbally and physically (by writing about it) acknowledged this it made it much easier to spot this problem when it occurred and did it ever occur! I met a man that I had quite a few phone conversations with, and I told my friend I had this nagging feeling there might be control issues, but maybe I was not giving him the benefit of the doubt. We had a dinner date that was nice, but again, just a hint in my gut there was something lurking below the surface. Over spring break (I was an educator in my former life) my girl friend and I went on a trip together and upon my return this man called and as we were chatting I mentioned something in passing that was funny, and then it happened. A jealous comment came from him and I froze for just a moment before I said to him, "I have done controlling and jealous before; I am not going back there. Please do not call me again." I told him goodbye and hung up. Now, maybe you find this an over reaction, but like I said earlier, my gut was telling me and I was not listening that there was a problem, so when it came to the surface in an obvious manner, I knew I had to stop things right there and then. I would not ever be in that kind of relationship again. I have had enough knots in my stomach to last a life time and even if it meant being alone forever, I would not live that way again. I encourage you to define the characteristics you want and don't want and start identifying them. And consider this, the heartache of divorce is so extreme, do you really want to go there again? Isn't it worth the time and effort it will take to be sure it doesn't happen again?

Second, you have to identify what makes you happy and make yourself happy! No one else can make you happy! NO ONE!!! Not your children, not a new partner, not anyone but you, and once you realize this and put that responsibility on your own shoulders where it belongs, then and only then are you ready to begin seeking someone to share your life with because once you are happy in who you are and with your life, can you find someone equally as whole to be there with you. Additionally, material things cannot make you happy either, so even though a new partner might ease your financial burden in someways, you cannot look to this to bring you happiness. Yes, it might make some aspects of life easier, but is material comfort going to make up for the knots in your stomach (or whatever you are trying to avoid) in a subsequent marriage?

Third, once you are ready to seriously seek someone new, time needs to be a factor. Anyone can be on their best behaviour for a year, but it is in the second year of dating someone that the cracks begin to show and the reality of life with this person can hit you in the face and make you think about whether or not you are a good fit together. And I know, I've heard lots of people say to me, "but two years? How can I wait that long?" Isn't at least two years worth not going through divorce again? I dated an incredibly nice man after my divorce. He really helped heal my heart and opened my eyes to my own self worth, but it was toward the end of that first year when I started really evaluating what I wanted and what I expected that I started realizing that we had nothing in common and what seemed so attractive at the moment, would not sustain a life long relationship. After I broke things off with him, I really began to grow in my personal life, through seeking my own happiness, discovering what I really liked to do and following my dreams! I wrote a lot and read a lot to be the best person I could be and happiest person I could be. I eventually did feel ready to seek a partner and after dating for two years, we were married and are coming up on our fourth anniversary.

I realize, these three little steps, are just that, little steps. There are so many ins and outs to relationships and variables that make things different for everyone, but these three steps can make the difference and keep you from making a painful mistake. I will continue to write about our new relationships and sharing ideas with you. Write, read, dream, think, plan, compare and contrast, and never stop growing! Choose happiness!

Perspective, perspective, perspective

2010-02-09T12:54:00.000-06:00

Some days I wonder if anyone reads my blog! Hmmm? I always hope there are one or two of you out there! Or maybe hundreds! :) Yesterday we woke up to an unexpected snow fall! What a surprise to open the curtains and see almost four inches of snow! It is just so unusual for this part of Tennessee, but that's fine by me! Having lived in New Mexico most of my adult life, snow was a given at least once during the winter and the last three years I lived in New Mexico, I lived in the south central mountains and snow was a regular occurrence so I miss a good snow fall and was thrilled to see one here! This made me stop and think about how the changes that occur for us after divorce often leave us yearning for how things were instead of enjoying all the new aspects of our lives. Change is tough under the best of circumstances, but throw divorce into the mix and every little change in your life becomes jarring and unnerving. This is where changing perspective can help you during this tough time.

When you begin to feel frustrated due to one of the changes you are dealing with, pause for a moment and see if you can find the positive. After my divorce, when I had to start relying on my self to do all the jobs around the house, at first I wanted to feel sorry for myself and ask the question why me? But I soon started feeling the self confidence that comes from taking the responsibility on for myself and each change became a challenge to meet head on instead of something to dread. When I moved to Tennessee and left behind my beloved New Mexico, I didn't want to recognize many of the changes as good. I missed many things about my home state, but when I applied the change in perspective, I soon noticed how the changes I had to face weren't negative after all.

In your journal, write about the changes that are frustrating you and how you might change your perspective to enjoy the surprise and meet the challenge head on! Take time to think it through when you feel overwhelmed and are asking the question, why me? Change can be exciting and fulfilling when we take the time to change our perspective. Choosing happiness really is about changing perspective and changing attitudes! Hang in there! Choose happiness!

The Importance of Friendship and Community

2010-02-08T11:44:00.001-06:00

After divorce, one of the toughest aspects is the feeling that you are all alone now. You have lost that person who was there each day and helped in someway to make the day's burden lighter. And even in a marriage where you might have been lonely and didn't receive much assistance in the day to day routine, because this can certainly be the case, there is still a profound sense of loneliness when you find yourself truly living on your own. However, guard yourself from allowing your heart to go in search of someone to fill up that emptiness you may feel at this time because you are not prepared to make that decision at this point. Another partner cannot fix things. So what do you do?

In Ecclesiastes 4: 10-12 Solomon talks about the importance of not being alone. The NLT version states: "If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble. And on a cold night, two under the same blanket can gain warmth from each other. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." I have always loved these verses, but after divorce, who are you going to stand with? Who is going to back you up? Doesn't this mean I should find someone right away? I believe, if you read the entire chapter, what Solomon is saying is don't let your pride get in the way of asking for help. Don't let your pride make you think you can go it all alone, because this is "vanity" in Solomon's words. We need people in our lives and reaching out to friends and family at this most difficult time in your life is important to do and will help hold you up until you are ready to begin searching for another life partner.

One sad aspect of divorce can be the loss of friends and when you just lost your spouse, this is hard to take. Friends leave for lots of different reasons and if yours were all friends based on the marriage, more than likely many of them will dissolve. But please don't despair. This can also be one of the blessings of divorce in opening the door to new friendships, stronger and longer lasting than those from before. My closest friend came after my divorce and I don't think there will be anything that parts us. We both have remarried, and even live all the way across the country from each other, but we are still friends and always will be. We talk on the phone frequently and travel to see each other. She has been one of the greatest blessings to come from my divorce.

I encourage you to lean on others, to seek the friendships and sense of community that will sustain you through this difficult season in life. I had turned away from God during my marriage, a story I will share at another time, but after the divorce, I realized I could not go it alone and turned back to God. It was then that I began to see my friendships blossom with others and once I started attending church again, I found there another group of people to support me with their encouraging words and cheer. My sisters have been an ever present support in my life, but we drew even closer. When I remarried, I was ready because I had filled up the hole in my heart, not with another partner chosen too fast and out of despair, but with God and with the happiness I chose for myself. I moved from New Mexico to Tennessee to be with my new husband. He is my best friend and love of my life, but I know the importance of that third cord too. I have become involved in our church, Hope Presbyterian in Cordova, TN and am now building new friendships as well. In fact, today's blog was inspired by Dr. Eli Morris, one of our pastors who spoke yesterday about relationships. He reminded me of the Ecclesiastes verses, but also said the following:
"Relationships are the place we find...the Challenge we need...the Encouragement we need...the Comfort we need." And isn't this so true? We are not meant to go through life alone.

Take time this week to write in your journal where you might seek out new friendships or how you might reach out to others and ask for help. Don't let your pride keep you from asking when you really need a helping hand. And never doubt the importance of friendship. I will talk about the partner issue again soon, but develop some really great friendships before you go seeking that new partner. Choose Happiness!

Saturdays!

2010-02-06T08:50:00.000-06:00

We all love the TGIF and can't wait for the weekend, but I know for many of you, the weekend is hectic with chores just so you can keep up during the week. With laundry and grocery shopping, activities or sports with the kids, by the time Saturday evening comes, you may just want to collapse in bed, having never done anything for yourself.

I want you to consider this today: if you are not taking care of yourself, how long will you manage to take care of everyone else? It is vital that you carve out some time for you. If your children are small, plan on putting them to bed early (yes, you can, you are the parent!) and then watch a movie, maybe have a glass of wine, or take a hot bath. Maybe read something for fun for a change, but find a little bit of time for yourself. If your children are older, there maybe activities you can involve them in to give yourself a break now and then. Look for programs at your church or if you do not attend a church on a regular basis, maybe look for one that offers youth programs and get involved or look into community services in your city. You need alone time or friend time now and then, so spend some time writing down a list of ways you can accomplish this task. It is for your own well being, as well as the kids, because if you are not bringing your best self to every day with your mental batteries recharged, you are not going to be the best parent you can be! Choose to take care of yourself and choose happiness!

Nutty, oatty, cinnamon, raisin bread

2010-02-05T15:22:00.000-06:00

Happy Friday everyone! I decided to share one more bread recipe before moving on into a different category. This time of year, hot tasty bread is comforting, and the smell can cheer even the saddest soul, especially this nutritious hearty breakfast bread. I also like a slice toasted with honey and peanut butter for lunch. Again, this is in the machine, but as with all bread machine recipes, you can just as easily make it in the traditional manner.

12 ounces water, 80 degrees
2 cups bread flour
1 3/4 cups whole wheat flour
3/4 cups oats (old fashioned, not instant)
2 Tbs. dry milk
2 Tbs. packed brown sugar
1 1/2 tsps salt
1 1/2 tsps cinnamon
1 pkg. yeast or 2 tsps rapid rise bread yeast
2 Tbs. butter

1 cup raisins (do not use the "better for baking" raisins; too much moisture)
1/2 cup nuts of your choice (I used walnuts)

Place ingredients, through butter, in bread machine according to manufacturers instructions. Add raisins and nuts when your machine indicates to add. (Mine makes a buzz sound; if yours has no indicator, you can add them at the beginning, but the raisins will be very finely chopped and not as noticeable. Also, if you add in the beginning, place around the top of the ingredients along the edge. If doing as a timer baked bread, be sure raisins do not sink to the bottom as they will become water logged before the process begins, so again, layer lightly around the upper edges.)

Bake on Whole Wheat setting at medium or light. I think the dark setting will make it tough around the edges.
You will not believe how great your kitchen smells while this bread is busy baking! Enjoy!

The magic of a kind gesture!

2010-02-02T13:44:00.000-06:00

I met a taxi driver in New Orleans, about a year ago, who really touched my heart. My husband and I traveled there for our third anniversary. I had never been to New Orleans and so my first introduction was post-Katrina. I fell in love with the city, but what really made me love NO is the resilliancy of so many people who have returned to a devastated city, and hit the ground running to see the rebuilding and rejuvination of their beloved home. We went to Preservation Hall and the music reached down deep in my soul. I was tapping and clapping and dancing in place and when the singer of the band that night came through the audience, he grabbed my hand and pulled me along with him and then had others join in with me till we were doing a little snake dance in and out of the crowd. Magic! We had breakfast at Brennan's and for a foodie like me, the Banana's Foster nearly had me clutching the table and refusing to leave until I had tasted everything on the menu. My husband saved the day though, and bought me the cookbook instead! Magic!
And taking the bus tour of the 9th Ward and seeing first hand how far reaching the devastation hit, and the empty slabs standing silent in the grassy weeds, or the still standing washed out houses with the markings of the searchers still stark and visible on paint peeled homes, made us all pause in solemnity. Then turning down muscians row and seeing the new homes built by Habitat for Humanity, their vibrant colors full of life, hope and promise and then the area with the housing being built by Brad Pitt, all "green" and giving ownership through participation in the build on the part of the new owners, gave a sense to the tenacity of a city built with soul, music, food and incredible life full of HOPE! Magic!

We spent our three days enjoying it all, wandering the streets, stopping here and there and celebrating our fortune in finding each other, as well as making the decision to always celebrate our anniversary in NO. But the culminating moment came when we were picked up by a taxi at our hotel to head to the airport. We entered his van, and as we had done with everyone we met, we asked him how he had weathered Katrina. He shared with us how his family lost everything, but NO had been their home for fifteen years, since he moved to the states from Egypt, and they had to come back because it is home. I noticed a hand symbol hanging from his rear view mirror. I asked him about it, and told him I collect hand art so I'm always curious in the meaning of different symbols that I encounter. I had recently seen an "eye" on a necklace that originated in Turkey, and the eye is to ward off evil, I had been told, and this double thumbed hand had an eye, much similar, in the middle of the palm. My taxi driver said the eye symbol was stolen from the Egyptians, that the Turkish stole all ideas from them, (and he laughed heartily) and then told me that the eye within the palm of the hand symbolized the powers of healing, joy, life, and is hung to ward off evil. People use them on entry doors to protect them from the "evil eye." I told him it was beautiful. We chatted a bit more about their life in NO, how it hadn't been easy, but they are happy and all doing well, and that's what matters. We then pulled up to the curb. As we were getting out of the car, he quickly came around and handed me the hand from his car. He said he wanted me to have it and that he had several at home and would acquire more when he returned to Egypt. I was quite overwhelmed that a stranger would do something so unexpected and so I hugged him and thanked him. Magic!

This morning I sat down at my desk and glanced over at the hand. It hangs from my desk lamp as a reminder of a gesture of kindness from a stranger, and though just a trinket of little monetary value, it is a symbol of people who under the very worst of circumstances have survived and thrived, but most importantly are living happy! I will never forget his cheerfulness and kindness. Each of us has burdens we bear and struggles we face, but are we looking for all we have to be grateful for and celebrating the great things instead of bemoaning the bad? Take time to write in your journal about all you have to be grateful for and celebrate those little gestures of kindness offered by others, but most importantly, celebrate the gestures of kindness you can offer others. I puzzled over why he might have shared this hand with me, and I think possibly it might have been I touched him as well by caring enough to simply ask about how he had survived. We all have the power to reach out to others. Touch someone's life today!

It's okay!

2010-01-31T13:32:00.000-06:00

I want to share with you an experience I had last night. I had Netflixed the movie Wit, an HBO production, starring Emma Thompson. The description said the movie was about an English professor, dealing with health issues, namely that she has ovarian cancer. I cozied up with my glass of wine and started the movie, knowing it might be a tear jerker, but then I never shy away from these. Starting with her diagnosis from a matter-of-fact, but obviously caring doctor, the movie then moves onto the indignities she faces as she is shuffled from one place to the other in the hospital and the disregard for her as an individual. There is a bit of "wit" interlaced throughout, but then about thirty minutes in, she is talking to the camera explaining her feelings (a device used on and off throughout) when she doubles over and throws up into a bedpan due to the effects of the chemo. I unexpectedly burst into tears and could not watch not one more second of the movie. I turned it off.

And this is what I want to share with you about this experience. You see, in 2003 I moved to Ruidoso, NM where I met the four most incredible girl friends I have ever had in my life. We did something together at least once a week and talked on the phone in-between. Not long after I moved to TN in 2006, Kelly was diagnosed with a squamous cell cancer, (you might recognize this as the same cancer Farrah Fawcett had) and the outlook was not good. Living so far away, I did not get to see her much, nor be there to help out, but three weeks before she died, I flew in and saw her for the last time. She was such a great person, beautiful inside and out, loved by so many, and incredibly talented. She was an OB/Gyn nurse practitioner, a person who helped others, and now needed the help of others. She lost her battle in November of 2008.

This movie just hit me square in the face with the reality of what Kelly had faced, the pain she went through, and that none of us could keep the pain from her. I immediately called one of the girls to share what had happened because we are friends, because I know we will talk and laugh and cheer each other up and because I want my girlfriends to always know, that no matter how far away I might be, I love them and miss them and cherish our friendship.

This morning then, thinking about last night, I was reminded of how after my divorce I would watch romantic movies and cry all the way through, but never turned off the pain. I would wish for that sappy, seemingly perfect movie relationship, and feel sorry for myself and when it was over have a really good cry. And you know, I think that's okay. You are going to have moments where you just need that good cry, to mourn the loss of the relationship, and to just feel that release. The most important thing though to remember is this: reach out to those who can help you, to the friends who will cheer you up and cheer you on. And don't call the friend who has to crucify your ex, you don't need to go down that negative highway, you just need someone to listen and then laugh with you and tell you it's okay. That's what Suzanne did for me last night. She told me, it's okay, and sometimes we all just need to hear it.

Take time this week to write about the sorrow when it hits and about the friends or family you can rely on to not join your pity party, but to cheer you out of it! Choosing happiness is easier when you choose happy friends, and especially down the road when you choose a new partner.

Joy!

2010-01-25T16:45:00.000-06:00

I am the owner of a Black Lab/German Short haired Pointer mix named Holley. She is a rescue dog who entered our lives on New Year's Eve 2008. Holley had been hit by a car when they found her, however, she eluded capture for three weeks. A veterinarian fixed her up and then she stayed with the rescue group for four months while she healed before she was put up for adoption . My husband then ran across her in a google search, hunting for a dog to keep me company when he is on the road and thus she showed up at our house on New Year's Eve, and because the woman who brought her told us that it was determined she was one year old, we designated that day as her first birthday. She has come a long way from the skittish, scared of her own shadow dog that arrived that day, and she has become a much loved part of the family.

Now the reason I tell you about her is this: Holley loves to run. Her enthusiasm is overwhelming actually. If I go into the bedroom for anything, she follows me down the hall in hope that I am changing clothes to go for a run. Once I do change, she is so excited that I can hardly lace up my shoes and get out the door. Then she wiggles and squirms and runs in circles until I tell her to sit and put on the leash, then she takes off like a shot to the end of her retractable leash, jumping for joy. I watch her some days and have often remarked to Steve how great it would be if we could all have the joy of a dog, the pure simple joy of putting your whole heart and soul into something you love! But this is the thing, we can have that joy. We can have that excitement in our lives if we just remember that all we have is right now, this moment! Regardless of the trials and tribulations we face, we just have right now to live and so even when you are carrying a heavy burden, if you remember to celebrate the little moments, the small joys that occur throughout the day, it won't seem so difficult. We all have problems, we all have heartache and pain, but we can all have moments of joy too. Take time to enjoy. Write about at least one little joy at the end of each day! Choose Happiness!
Carpe Diem! (Seize the day!)

Ricotta Cheese Bread

2010-01-21T10:06:00.000-06:00

I grew up, like most of my generation, on store bought sandwich sliced white bread. My mom did, however, make Parker House rolls from time to time, and an occassional sweet bread. I loved the smell of bread baking in the oven, and even more, loved the taste of a hot roll with butter! (Though, I'm pretty sure we ate margarine in our home.) As an adult entering the grocery buying world, and being the beginning of the "health food" craze, I discovered there was a world of difference between white bread (I soon dubbed "killer" bread) and wheat bread, and switched instantly to wheat sandwich bread. Those breads have come a long way now, and you actually can find fairly healthy bread in the stores, but there is nothing like the smell and taste of homemade bread, slathered with REAL butter! Though the recipe I'm sharing with you is not whole wheat (I am experimenting to find one for the bread machine; it's tricky) and not as healthy as I might prefer, it is delicious. Baking bread will definitely bring some happy faces into the kitchen and is a great way to treat your family or yourself. (Just a side note: slathering with butter is NOT healthy, so occassional is a good word to remember here!)

So as promised, I will post one new recipe each week. My friend Betty requested this recipe for Ricotta Cheese Bread after I posted on Facebook that I had just taken it out of the pan. Though I created this for my bread machine, you can make it regardless of whether you have one or not by simply mixing the ingredients together, kneading your dough, letting it rise until double in size, punch it down, place in loaf pan and allow to rise again, then bake at 350 degrees for approximately 40 mins. (this is a small loaf, so that will be my best guess for time) or until golden brown. Bread machines are fairly inexpensive these days and if you like homemade, no preservative bread, then it is a great investment. It is also an investment in yourself, as it definitely will save you time. Buy one with a timer so you can walk in from a long day and smell your bread nearly finished and ready to eat!

Ricotta Cheese Bread

1/4 c. milk
3/4 c. ricotta cheese (part-skim is what I used)
1 egg
2 1/4 c. unbleached flour
2 Tbs. sugar
1/2 tsp salt
1 pkg or 2 tsps yeast
4 tsps butter

Place milk and cheese in a microwave proof cup and heat to 80 degrees. (This will only take about 20 seconds on high or one minute on half power) It should feel just slightly warm.

Pour into machine; add egg; measure in flour, sugar and salt; make a small indention in the center and add yeast; place one tsp of butter in the four corners of the pan. Follow manufacturers directions for one pound loaf. On mine, I set it to medium color and used the sweet bread setting. This is a fairly light bread, but oh so tasty! Enjoy!

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Pink Power Ranger Day

2010-01-18T16:56:00.000-06:00

This day comes but once a year, and in our family it is linked to two boys, now men, cousins who share the same birthday. My oldest son, Shawn, is thirty years old today. He came into the world thirteen hours after labor began, 9 lbs even and 22 inches long, with broad shoulders as painful to deliver as was his head! But what joy he brought into my life with that first cry. And what a great time I have always had being a mom, because no matter what else life hurls at me, my three sons can make me laugh harder than any other people I know and bring me joy by just knowing their presence is in the world. They are good men each one of them. As for the other birthday boy, on Shawn's ninth birthday, his cousin Forest decided it would be a good day to be born, and with great pains and labor, he came into the world at 10 lbs 10 ounces. I had promised Shawn if Forest was born on his birthday, I would be sure and call the school so someone could tell him. When I picked him up that afternoon the excitement was evident as he had been very proud to have the announcement made in his class that his cousin had arrived. But now you may be wondering, how did this become Pink Power Ranger day? Isn't the Pink Power Ranger a girl?

The Power Rangers were a force to be reckoned with while these boys were growing up. By the time Forest was old enough to watch the show, his cousin was growing beyond it and so when they would get together, Forest always told Shawn he was the Pink Power Ranger. Shawn, being the good sport that he was, and ever the "oldest brother" took it in stride and in turn teased Forest that he was the Pink Power Ranger. Well, somehow, as family teasing goes, and traditions begin the two became known as the Pink Power Rangers, and though separated by two hundred miles, they would call and wish each other happy birthday every year from one Pink Power Ranger to the other. My sister went so far as to make them a Pink Power Ranger cake one year when we were able to get them together for their birthday. And so it goes. The day has stuck and even my sister and I wish each other a Happy Pink Power Ranger day each year in honor of their birthdays.

These small family traditions, the funny sayings and silly happenings that define our families, are sources of happiness. Though with divorce, some traditions may fall by the wayside because they had been shared with you and your ex, take the time, nonetheless, to nurture the small traditions for your kids. Find the joyful moments and allow them to create new ones. Encourage their laughter, their fun, because childhood is so short and divorce is so serious, but it need not define their lives, any more than it should define yours. Take time to write in your journal some of the traditions you and your children might already have and think of ways to encourage their light hearted fun. Happy Pink Power Ranger day to you and yours!

It's the little things

2010-01-16T16:41:00.001-06:00

This week, I have been getting back into my exercise routine of a walk/run six days a week and at least three days of some yoga. I had neglected myself greatly through the holidays, and then directly after the holidays, we had a cold spell here that was actually too cold for outdoor activity. And because our house is not built for that kind of cold, I had trouble even making myself unbundle enough from my warm clothes to go through a yoga sequence. So this week, as the sun returned and the temperature came back to normal, I was out on the road with my dog and stretching and breathing through the downward dog and cobra. Needless to say, I have been a bit sore and just as evening came on, I was sinking into a hot bath with a glass of wine by my side. And this is when I realized, there is nothing like a hot bath, something that I have only truly come to enjoy over the last five years or so, as I have always been a fan of the shower. I started thinking about the joy such a small pleasure can provide; I also thought about how fortunate I am to even be able to have such a luxury, as I read all week about the devastation the people of Haiti are experiencing.

I have spent some time this week counting my blessings, taking pleasure in the small things that life has to offer. Regardless of our personal circumstances, the hardships of divorce, of single parenting, of being lonely or perhaps any other difficulty you may be facing, we have so much to be thankful for in this country, in the "ease" of our lives every day. Take some time this week to appreciate something small, like a hotbath, and again realize, happiness is yours if you just choose it. Writing in your journal each day one small thing to be thankful for or something which makes you smile, can help you realize it is the little things that matter most at times. And it is the little things that buoy us up, contributing to a fulfilling happy life.

Choose Happiness!

Chocolate chip and oat scones

2010-01-14T20:24:00.000-06:00

Those of you have the book, Choosing Happiness After Divorce, know that each chapter includes a recipe. I have decided I should start including at least one recipe a week in the blog to encourage you to take time for yourself and your family, or friends, to cook or bake and sit down together to enjoy each other's company and conversation. So here's my first recipe.

During the summer when fresh fruits and vegetables abound it is easy to stay on the healthy straight and narrow, but once the cold long days of winter set in, I start craving the carbs like cookies, cakes and homemade breads. Today my Scottish heritage kicked into gear and oat scones were calling my name! I did some sleuthing around and eventually put together a recipe that was delicious, and with the oats, at least a little bit nutritious; however, I could not resist adding mini chocolate chips, instead of the traditional currents.

Chocolate Chip Oat Scones

1 1/2 c. unbleached flour
1/4 c. turbinado sugar (marketed as Sugar in the Raw)
1 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 c. cold butter (1 stick)
1 c. old fashioned oats
zest of 1 orange (I did not have an orange, but used a clementine instead)
1/2 c. buttermilk
2 Tbs. turbinado sugar
1/2 c. mini chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Spray a cookie sheet with non-stick cooking spray or use a piece of parchement paper to keep scones from sticking.

Place butter in bottom of large bowl. Measure flour, 1/2 c. turbinado (you can substitute this sugar with light brown sugar), baking powder, and baking soda into bowl. Using a pastry blender, cut the butter into the flour mixture until it is well incorporated and in small bits. Add the oats and zest; mix in with the pastry blender; add the chocolate chips and stir into the mixture with a fork. Add the buttermilk and mix quickly with a fork until buttermilk is distributed, but do not over mix. Use hands to form into a ball. It will seem dry at first, but squeeze it together and it will take shape. Pat dough into a 7 inch circle. Cut into 8 wedges. Arrange on cookie sheet, leaving room in between each scone. Sprinkle with the rest of the turbinado sugar or any coarse grain sugar. Bake for 12 to 15 minutes.

Makes 8 scones. Serve with hot tea. And should you happen to have some clotted cream around you could always serve with a dollop or so. Enjoy!

The Ten Minute Challenge

2010-01-11T11:43:00.002-06:00

With the New Year in full swing, resolutions or goals set in place, the question becomes: Are you following through on your goals and resolutions? Are you taking the steps you laid out for yourself? I hope you are well on your way to a new and glorious year, but if you are struggling with those resolutions, or haven't been able to set out clear and specific step by step goals for yourself, then I have a challenge for you. I came up with this idea based on the ideas in my Seven Keys to Happiness program.

We often overwhelm ourselves when we want to make changes in our lives by setting goals with no clear cut path to achieving them. Saying I want to lose twenty pounds is a great goal to have, but how are you going to achieve it? Finding a new job as a goal is fine, but what will that require of you? So here's the ten minute challenge: every day set aside just ten minutes towards achieving your goals. Just ten minutes a day will make a difference because most of us, by the end of January aren't spending even a second thinking about those goals. What then do you do with those ten minutes? You take one step towards your goal. Want to lose weight? Use the ten minutes to change one habit, so instead of grabbing a hand full of chips for a snack, you cut up an apple and you do this every day until it becomes a habit. Need to change jobs? Spend ten minutes every day researching the job you want to attain and writing down the steps necessary to achieve it. Want to change your attitude? Spend ten minutes reading something positive everyday. Ten minutes is not much to give when you consider the number of minutes most people watch television. Give this a try and once ten minutes is part of your daily routine, you will probably find yourself allotting more and more time towards improving your life in all manners. Take the ten minute challenge for thirty days, that is all it takes to begin new habits that can change your life.

I am a strong advocate for the power of writing. Writing forces your brain to think differently and more precisely. Take the time to write in your journal and if you are working on achieving goals, I guarantee you, there will be a change in your ability to follow through when you write the goals down and then write about your progress! Take the challenge and choose happiness!

When friendship with an ex is too much

2010-01-07T17:19:00.000-06:00

I read a posting in a divorce community today from a woman who stated her ex wants to be "best friends," that he wants no other woman in his life but her, however, has no intention of remarriage or even a committed relationship. She says to add to this, she is depressed and doesn't know what to do. As I read that, my heart just ached for her because she is stuck in limbo, a horrific limbo, of still desperately wanting that relationship and unable to move forward on the slim chance he might change his mind. I'm afraid the likelihood of this ending well is slim. If they were both committed to working on the relationship and moving towards the possibility of remarriage I would tell her to go for it if that's what she wants, but under the circumstances, my guess is he just wants to keep her in a holding pattern until he finds someone else and I can only imagine the heartache that will then occur. Even if he truly just wants to remain "best friends" this is not healthy for either person. While being friendly with your ex is great for everyone involved, especially the kids, going further than that is going to hurt someone more than likely.

Creating distance from your ex is necessary to allow yourself the room to move forward. If there are children involved requiring your continued communication, that's fine, but keep your private life private. And don't worry about the kids, according to resources I've read, and based on my own experience, your children will keep your private life just that without any prodding from either one of you. Just let them be at ease without the directive "don't tell your dad" or "don't tell your mom." This puts a lot of pressure on them and begins the secrets and lies that can and will destroy any relationship. Now that said, if you are on any of the social networking sites out there, remember, if you want to keep something private, don't post it!

Take steps to move forward by seeking new friendships, involving yourself in activities you've always wanted to try, joining an organization you might find interesting or taking a class through an extended learning program. Once you start meeting new friends and actively moving away from your ex, this will make moving forward that much easier. It's not easy to put the past behind, but by taking baby steps in that direction, eventually you will be striding forward with purpose!

Spend some time in your journal writing about interests you might like to explore and how you might meet some new people. I know this can be tough if living in a small town, but even tweaking your relationship circle slightly may result in big changes down the road.

Choose Happiness!

Goals for the New Year!

2010-01-04T14:08:00.003-06:00

2010! New Year and New Decade! I have been working on my goals for this year and enjoying making the plans for a new year. There is something definitely exciting about the chance to start anew; to look at the coming year as a new beginning no matter what the last entailed. I love that feeling of promise it brings. I am also planning out my weekly calendar as well, with goals that should be accomplished each day. I've never taken this step before, but working mostly from home has made me realize that the day to day planning is what makes or breaks any goals I set for myself.

In my last blog entry I talked about setting your goals. I hope you have all been taking some time to do so. After a divorce, when much is riding on your shoulders, this can make the difference between constant frustration or confident movement forward. I always have at least one goal pertaining to weight and this year is no different. I have yoyo'd about thirty pounds of unnecessary weight on and off for so long that I sometimes thought it was futile to keep trying, but this last year I managed to keep my weight under a goal weight that I set for myself and this year I'm going to move it down five more pounds and try holding steady there. This has worked far better than any other method I've ever tried. I also have made a far greater effort to eat lots of fruits and vegetables, more fish, and less sugar without evoking the "d" word and amazingly this has helped too. So again, no "d" for me this year, just a steady diet of good, healthy, as close to nature food as possible and a steady walk/run routine six days a week and I think I can lose another five and stay below that set weight the entire year! And by the way, I never even gave up my daily dose of dark chocolate and a glass of red wine, and it still worked!

Set your goals and go at them with all your might! Life is too short and too sweet to do less! Write as you go, and you will find that journaling can help you stay on target. Good luck! Choose Happiness!

Happy New Year!

2009-12-31T17:26:00.000-06:00

A New Year brings such promise! A new beginning! A chance to start over! Resolutions to be made! As a child, when I learned about making resolutions, I would make mine for the New Year and be so excited about doing something which seemed so grown-up. But just like most grown-ups, I didn’t keep them for long and then they were forgotten until the next New Year’s Eve rolled around and the process started over. During my young adult years I continued the process, with of course more serious resolutions, like losing weight, working out more, and promising myself to stop eating chocolate, but just as I had done as a child, I soon forgot my resolutions and was back to my old habits. I eventually decided resolutions were pointless and quit all together. However, around the time of my divorce, I decided that instead of making resolutions, I would set my goals for the year and what a difference this change of mind made for me. Setting goals became something real and concrete, unlike resolutions that were just unkept promises to myself.

After divorce, life can become so chaotic and feel so unsure that making resolutions just seems like another chore to accomplish and the last thing you want to think about, but now is not the time to languish in self pity. If you, like me, have found resolutions a waste of time, then think about setting goals for yourself and begin to decide what you want your life to look like now. I believe one reason we don’t allow ourselves to do this after divorce is there is a part of us that cannot believe it’s over, no matter how bad it was, and that to make plans brings a finality we might not want to acknowledge. However, the marriage is over. Wasting time is not going to change that fact. Are you going to languish or are you going to live?

Take some time over this long weekend to either make resolutions if those work for you, or to set some goals for the coming year. Maybe you want to find a new job, then set your goal on doing so and write out each step required to attain that new job. Or maybe getting the house in order is your goal. Whatever your major goals are for the year, map out the small step by step goals to help yourself achieve the overall pinnacle. Happiness comes from living your life with purpose. Make this year your best ever! Choose the happiness you deserve and go for it! Or maybe I should say GOAL for it! Happy New Year! (Tip: If goal setting is difficult for you, check out Brian Tracy’s Goals! How to Get Everything You Want-Faster Than You Ever Thought Possible. This is one of my highly recommended reads.)

"I'll be home for Christmas!"

2009-12-22T09:33:00.001-06:00

About twenty years ago, sitting by myself in an almost empty movie theatre, Christmas music played over the speakers. This was long before commercials blasted away preceding a movie. As I waited for the lights to dim and the previews to start, I could hear the conversation of two elderly ladies seated several rows behind me. I wasn't paying much attention until "I'll be home for Christmas" began playing and one of them said, "oh, this takes me back" and the other replied, "yes, yes! Me too!" Their conversation then went on about how they had been waiting for their brothers, and one for her husband during World War II when this song was written and played at Christmas time. My eyes filled with tears listening to their remembrances and to this day this song brings tears to my eyes.

Being "home" for Christmas is so important to each of us in a different way. Growing up in an Air Force family, "home" to my parents meant Missouri. We would often travel "home" for Christmas to spend time with my grandparents, spending part of the holiday with my mom's family and part with my dad's. In 1967 my father was stationed in Los Alamos, NM. It had already snowed twelve inches by the time we left Los Alamos after school that day and we made it only to Tucumcari, NM that night after hours of treacherous roads, the plan having been to go to Oklahoma City, we were disappointed to make it only this far, but we saw so many vehicles off the road, we felt lucky. The most striking sight I saw on that trip was a semi-truck turned over and all it's oranges spilled onto the side of the road in the snow. It was magical to me as a child of eight to see all that orange scattered across the snow. What should have been a two day trip turned into three, but we made it unscathed and my parents were relieved to be home, and my sisters and I were just excited for Christmas and cousins.

When the economy turned bad last year, Steve and I moved our belongings from our occasional apartment in Salem, OR which his company leased for us while there on business, but had to let go, back to our home in Memphis. We left there in four inches of snow and crept just in front of the worst of the storm across Oregon, Idaho, Wyoming, Nebraska, Missouri and into Memphis. We so looked forward to being home for Christmas and arrived two days before our annual Christmas party, relieved to be safe. How grateful we were then to be able to celebrate with our friends and family and enjoy our time with them.

When our church worship leader did a special tribute for families this past Sunday and sang "I'll be home for Christmas," I started down this memory lane that I've shared with you and started thinking about "home" and all the different connotations it has for me. When you spend your childhood moving every few years, you soon realize home is where the heart is, where family abides, where those you love most in the world live. I do not have a childhood home, but I do not see this as a disadvantage. It has made my life better to know that relationships matter more than any material goods, that a house is just a house until you make it a home, and that regardless of the miles that separate us from those we love, our hearts are bound in love and thankfulness for the times we have spent together. My "home" now is where I abide with my husband in love.

I remember well the first Christmas after divorce when "home" felt so scattered, so undefinable, and well, depressing, but there was solace in knowing that regardless of the loss of this one relationship, I still had the love of my children, my family and friends and this is how I pulled myself through the holidays. I encourage you if this is your first Christmas divorced to cling to the other relationships in your life and look to all the love there and make peace with the love that is lost. "Home" is where love resides and if your heart can be filled with love for others, regardless of your divorce, then you will be home for Christmas.

Merry Christmas!
Choose Happiness!

Christmas again?

2009-12-10T11:35:00.001-06:00

When I was a little girl, I remember my mom saying almost every year as Christmas drew near, "I can't believe Christmas is already here again!" And I would roll my eyes and counter that it seemed like at least three years since it had been Christmas and how could she say such a thing! Funny, now I feel the same way. Time flies by so fast! And this has me thinking about what I do with my time.

I am reading The Middle Place, by Kelly Corrigan, the memoir of a woman, 37 years old, diagnosed with cancer. Time becomes everything when you are faced with possible death. The mother of two very young girls, she finds herself highly aware of the time she spends with them. The "what if this is it?" time that most of us are never made to face.

So my thoughts have really been concentrated on time, especially since I had that 50th birthday! I have been reminding myself to enjoy every day, find the little things to be thankful for each day, accomplish something worthwhile each day, and avoid wasting time. This doesn't mean filling our days with activity, but to make sure, whatever we are doing is meaningful and worthwhile. Reading, thinking, talking to family and friends, spending time together, and making my work time meaningful too.

Divorce can get the best of you though, and if you are not taking the time each day to make your day meaningful and choosing to be happy, days, months, or years can slip by and you will look back and realize "I have wasted so much precious time." Don't let this happen to you.

Take some time to write in your journal how you might make your time more meaningful. Are you spending time in front of the television or spending time with your kids, other family or friends? Are you angry and bitter at the world, or each day choosing happiness and grateful for just being alive!

Seek out those you love and spend some time together over this holiday season! Love your life! Choose happiness!

Tis the season!

2009-12-07T15:24:00.003-06:00

Ah, Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year! At least it can be, but for those just going through a divorce or in the aftermath of divorce, this can be the toughest time of the year. There is no way to sugarcoat the feelings you may be experiencing so you will have to find a way to deal with what may seem a very dark time. If you have children, then it becomes even that much more imperative. Their lives have been turned upside down, so helping them adjust and still find the Christmas spirit is important.

The temptation to not decorate may be great, but if you have always decorated for the holiday, then you must do it for yourself and for the children. One year, not long after my divorce, I was going to be out of town for much of the holiday season, but decided I still had to do something to give my home that Christmas feeling, so I decorated the hall tree with lights and stockings and greenery! It was beautiful and kept my spirits up until I could leave to be with friends and family.

Following a divorce, there may certainly be financial constraints. Turning this into a tirade about the other parent and how divorce has affected the finances is not healthy for anyone, so think of ways to put a positive spin on the situation. Maybe this year everyone has to make something for each other; or maybe you give gifts of service to each other. We all at times can get too caught up in the material world of Christmas, but finding creative ways to deal with the situation can make this the best time and give everyone the most fun they have experienced. In my book I talk about creating new rituals around the holiday. Everything has changed, and pretending that it hasn't won't make the changes go away, so come up with some new rituals to incorporate around the old rituals that may have become difficult to undertake or complete with your new situation.

If this is the first Christmas since the divorce, you will more than likely be splitting time with your children. This can be the toughest aspect, but preparing ahead by making plans on how to spend your time while the children are with their other parent is important. If you have other friends in your situation, make plans together. Maybe dinner in someone's home, or maybe a movie day. If you would rather be alone, that's fine too, as long as you have a plan for how to spend the day. It is too easy to get weepy and feel sorry for yourself if you are home alone with nothing to do but watch television, so clean out the attic, or your closet, maybe the garage, or read, bake for someone, work on a project you have been putting off, but no sad movies! Volunteering at a shelter or giving back to others is always a great way to lift your spirits and those of others.

Choosing happiness during the holidays may be tough, but with some creative planning and positive attitude, you may find this to be one of your happiest Christmas's ever!

Spend time in your journal this week planning and preparing for the holidays. What can you do to keep your spirits up? Which friends and family will help support and lift you up? Write about the feelings you have and then remember all you have to be grateful for this time of year and all year!

Birthdays!

2009-11-29T21:33:00.000-06:00

I celebrated my 50th birthday on November 17, one of those landmark birthdays. I have never been bothered by my age, but I have found myself contemplating my life a little more thoroughly and taking stock of all I have accomplished and what I still want to do with my life. I have been reading Marianne Williamson's The Age of Miracles, and really enjoying her thoughts on midlife. We all have some regrets and we all have dreams, but this is no time to get stuck and wallow, but a time to start living each and every day to the fullest if you haven't been doing so yet this far. I believe I have been doing pretty well, but sometimes get stuck on a regret or a sorrow and have to pull myself back to living the moment! I also realize some really great opportunities are fleeting like a three year old granddaughter saying, "Granmma, will you hold me?" while I'm unloading the dishwasher and that instant of saying, "I will be through in a minute," and then realizing this is one of those moments you don't put off, you just grab it and enjoy because someone else will finish unloading or I can come back to it in awhile. As you might guess, this did happen on Thanksgiving day, and I laughed at myself as I quickly ran after her and grabbed her up in my arms.

We have so much to be thankful for everyday no matter our circumstances, no matter our past, our future, our regrets, our happiness, our sorrows. Finding just one simple pleasure in each day can make the difference in whether or not you choose happiness for yourself. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend, and let us all remember to be thankful all year and not just during the holidays! Spend some time this week writing about the little things that bring you happiness! (Like scooping up that little one in your arms!) Choose happiness!

Choosing Happiness After Divorce to air on KENW-TV

2009-11-27T16:54:00.000-06:00

Quick update on program I filmed at KENW-TV a public television station located on the campus of Eastern New Mexico University campus in Portales, New Mexico. The show, Choosing Happiness After Divorce, will air Monday, November 30 at 10:30 a.m. on 3-1 (HD), Tuesday, December 1 at 8:30 p.m. on regular cable 3 and 3-2 and again on Sunday, December 6 at 2:30 p.m. again on regular cable. They are hoping to go national with this program during the March pledge drive. Ask your local public television station to carry this program.

I discuss seven keys to happiness and how following the information in my book can help you to choose happiness each day in your life. We had a live audience and a great response to the program. I hope you will watch if you are in the Portales area and if not, call or email your local station and ask them to carry this program!

I have been slow on updating my blog lately. I have been on the road so much and have become a bit discouraged about whether I'm reaching others, but I have decided that maybe I have been looking at this wrong and that if I want followers I will need to just write and they will come! Right?

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! I have been enjoying the thanksgiving of a new grandson in our lives, as well as my other three grandchildren and my sons and their wives. Life is incredibly good, and being able to spend this holiday with them has been wonderful!

So watch for my new more frequent postings and I hope you will let me know what brings happiness to your life!

Welcome to the World Payton!

2009-11-12T17:49:00.001-06:00

Last night at 10:22 p.m. Payton Matthew arrived in this world! He weighed in at 6 pounds 11 ounces, the first baby of my son Matthew and my daughter-in-law, Sara. What a joyful occassion for our entire family! Living too far away to be there for the birth, I am anxiously awaiting my flight on the 21st to be there with them and to celebrate Thanksgiving together! Talk about happy! My favorite holiday combined with the bonus of a new grandbaby, I can hardly contain my joy! As I write though, I know there are those living in the pain of divorce, finding it difficult to choose happiness on even the most joyful occassions, but this is what I know, choice is the key word here. You have the choice each and every moment of every day to choose happiness, to find the joy in the moment, to celebrate all life has to offer.

I am the gramma who does not live near by, who doesn't get to revel in the daily pleasures of being close to children and grandchildren and all they have to offer. I also live with the knowledge that my ex lives in the same town and remarried this summer, and I know that they will play an active part in little baby Payton's life. I could choose to be jealous, or bitter, or sad, or any number of emotions, but instead I choose to look at it this way: I have a new grandson who is and will be loved by all the grandparents and we will each form our bonds with him in our own ways and enjoy the happiness he brings. All the new relationships that arise after divorce can be tough, but when we as adults act in a mature, loving, kind manner, the children can survive and thrive, and overcome the mistakes of their parents and hopefully choose happiness for themselves!

If you are struggling with the other relationships your children or grandchildren are forming with the new additions to their lives, spend some time writing about your feelings. List all the positives new relationships can bring to our lives and consider this, to be loved by many is far greater than to live closed off and bitter towards step-parents or step-grandparents. Be the example and model love and kindness. You will make a difference and be loved far greater for your efforts!

Finding balance, order, rhythm and harmony in your life

2009-10-27T13:42:00.000-05:00

"Happiness is not a matter of intensity

but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony."

-Thomas Merton

Thomas Merton is one of my favorite authors. His work takes real study and heavy thinking and I enjoy greatly the challenge his writings offer. I came across this quote and wanted to share with you because I think we sometimes look for happiness to be an intensity and if we do not feel it intensely, we think somehow, we are missing out on the happiness, but while we certainly may have those moments of intense happiness, most of the time, it will be revealed in a matter of balance, order, rhythm and harmony in our lives. While going through divorce, or any upheaval in life, all of these may seem elusive, but this is where we have to begin to CHOOSE the happiness, to look for it in the small things in life and seek to bring balance back to a world that has gone out of your control, to enjoy the rhythm of the day to day routines, to find order and harmony in your new life and stop looking for things to be the same as they were before. When life offers you a change, unwanted or not, it's time to stop looking at the past and to decide how to move forward. Only you can decide how to do this.

Think about how you can find balance when you may feel like you have too much on your plate. Do you need to cut some activities out? Find a new job? Work less or more hours? To make order out of what may seem like chaos, do you need to work on a to do list? Keep a calendar with every-one's activities listed? Move to a smaller home? Throw out stuff? To find rhythm do you need to set up new routines and rituals for you and the kids? And for harmony, will doing all of the above help everyone feel better and respond to what has to be accomplished in a more cheerful manner? Spend some time writing about how you can bring these four elements into your life to help you in choosing happiness everyday!

Forgiving your ex

2009-10-17T13:48:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking about forgiveness all week. Forgiveness may be the hardest thing to accomplish after divorce, but so necessary for your peace of mind. If you don't forgive your ex, yourself, or anyone who wrongs you, you will find yourself looking back over your shoulder and stumbling into an unclear future, but when you forgive, you put the past behind you and can then move forward in a positive manner, choosing happiness for yourself.

In Colossians 3:13 we read: "Forgive as freely as the Lord has forgiven you. And, above everything else, be truly loving, for love is the golden chain of all the virtues."

When we forgive as God has forgiven us, we experience a freedom we cannot imagine. Letting go allows us to move forward, allows us to release what we cannot control, and put it aside. If you have not forgiven someone who has wronged you, try looking at the situation from God's perspective and know there is nothing he will not forgive us. There is no wrong he will not disregard if we only ask. Take the time to forgive and though you may never forget, by forgiving the pain will ease and the control that person has had over you will be gone.

Take time this week to write about someone whom you are struggling to forgive. Think about the freedom you will experience if you do not allow the person to control you any longer, as that is exactly what occurs when you do not forgive. Write how you might come to forgiveness through prayer or meditation.

Have a great week! Choose Happiness!

More about New Mexico happenings!

2009-10-10T10:43:00.001-05:00

In the last post I let you know about the filming of Choosing Happiness After Divorce, with KENW-TV at Eastern New Mexico University, in Portales, NM. It was truly a great experience and I believe I have a show that can be of help to not only women who are divorced, but to anyone seeking happiness. The book signing following the show allowed me to meet new people and see some old friends. I had such a great week, not only with the show, but being with two of my sons and their families. My grandkids are always such fun!

This is Tre, nine years old, third grade.

Emma, who is turning five next week!

And Katie, just turned three!

As I spoke to the different groups and filmed the various shows, I talked about finding your joy in life; for me, the relationships with my children, my grandchildren and all my family, mean so much to me! I celebrate each and every moment I am able to spend with them!

While I was in NM, I also filmed two other programs. Sheryl Borden of Creative Living, seen in 100 different public television markets, invited me to film four different segments with her, regarding the book and the recipes. These will air over the next year. I also appeared on You Should Know, with Don Criss for a short interview. While pregnant with my twins, many, many years ago, he followed my pregnancy on his show through ultra sound, so it was a great pleasure to see him again and during the years I operated a catering business, I had filmed a cooking show with Sheryl Borden, so what a great pleasure to reconnect with them and to have the opportunity now to share my book.

As you think about choosing happiness this week, concentrate on all that brings you joy. Write in your journal about the relationships that mean the most to you. Martin Seligman, in his book Authentic Happiness, suggests you write gratitude letters to the people who mean the most to you! What a great idea and gift to those we love.

Have a great weekend! Choose Happiness!

And here it is!

2009-10-06T20:24:00.002-05:00

I have been out of town over the last two weekends, visiting New Mexico where my children and grandchildren reside. A few things have occured over the last couple of weeks! First, my book is now available through Amazon.com and will soon be available through http://www.englishmaniac.com/, the publisher. Additionally, while in New Mexico I filmed, Choosing Happiness After Divorce, with KENW at ENMU, Portales, NM. The hour long show will air on KENW during the December pledge drive, but the station is also seeking to see this show aired on all NM public television and in as many other locales as possible! I had a great time with the filming because an audience was in attendance and this made delivery of the message so much easier and the evening went great! But that had not been the case earlier in the day! I had been invited to speak at the local Altrusa meeting at noon that day and when I began speaking within just a few sentences I literally froze and could not think of one single word to say! I took a deep breath and told the ladies how nervous I was about the upcoming show that evening and told them I would start over. And I did and went on to deliver my message with no problem, but what a moment! I have spoken before many groups in my life and I have never drawn a blank like I did that day. It was an humbling moment to say the least! I am thrilled to say, no one threw tomatoes or laughed! They were very kind and understanding. I was so afraid I would have the same problem that evening for filming that I went to my son's house and rehearsed the opening over and over again to hopefully prevent another freeze up and I guess it helped because I made it through with no problems!

If you would like to see the show, request that your public television station contact KENW and find out how they can air the show in their market as well. I will post a clip on my site as soon as I receive the DVD.

This is a very happy moment for me! I'll share the rest of the week with you in the next post!

HAPPINESS!

2009-09-16T09:42:00.000-05:00

This is the proof! Looks great on my bookshelf! I cannot begin to explain the joy in seeing my book as I ripped the package open yesterday morning. As I said in my post Proof! this has been a goal of mine since the fourth grade, to write a book and see it published. Though I have published a poetry chap book, a cookbook from my former catering business and a book of short stories, poetry, and photography, they were small publications and for a small audience. So this is a really great moment for me! And of course great moments in our lives usually generate great happiness, but I am reminded too of the little things that bring happiness to my life and that have been a part of the entire process of writing, such as the encouraging words from my husband, friends and family, or the little hurdles surmounted along the way. So while the big moments are incredible, it is the small things in life that bring us the most lasting happiness if we will take the time to recognize them and celebrate them each day.

Spend some time in your journal writing about the little things which bring you happiness. Take time to celebrate the small things that bring you happiness and have a happier outlook at all times!

Choosing Happiness through accepting, trusting, giving

2009-09-12T22:35:00.002-05:00

I have learned a few things over the last few years that have made my life easier and I would like to share with you today. First, I have learned to ACCEPT what I can't change. Sometimes we bang our head against a brick wall in trying to change things that we can have no affect upon. In Philippians 4:11-13 we read: "I have learned to be satisfied with the things I have and with everything that happens. I know how to live when I am poor, and I know how to live when I have plenty. I have learned the secret of being happy at any time in everything that happens...I can do all things through Christ, because He gives me strength." This is hard, because we so often want things to go the way WE want instead of letting go and accepting, but when we accept, there is profound peace. Second, I have learned to TRUST God, even when I do not understand his plan. In Philippians 4:6-7 we read: Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything; tell God your needs and don't forget to thank Him for His answers. If you do this, you will experience Gods peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand." My husband and I have had some really tough financial issues to deal with this year, as so many others have, but when we finally said we don't understand God's plan for us, but trust that all will be well, we have been able to let go of the worry and fear. And last, I have learned to GIVE IT UP to God! I cannot understand what the future holds, but I can give it up to him and find peace. In Romans 15:13 it says: "I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." I love the words "confident hope" because this makes me realize hope is not passive, it is active and requires us to place our hope in the confidence of God. When I address groups about choosing happiness I like to quote a passage from West With The Night in which the father tells his daughter, "when you find something worth pursuing, work and hope, but never hope more than you work." I think confident hope is what this means as we can place our hope in God, but if we do not live our lives for him, our hope is pointless. So this is the question then I continuously ask myself, "Who's going to be in charge of my life?" And I know when I accept, trust and give it up, the answer is always, God.

Proof

2009-09-11T11:57:00.000-05:00

Choosing Happiness After Divorce: A Woman's 52 Week Guide to Living a Positive Life I am happy to say has gone to the printer and I'm just waiting for the proof to be sure all looks well and then the book will be available from the publisher, http://www.englishmaniac.com/ or on Amazon.Writing this book has been a tremendous experience, one I've had as a goal almost my entire life. While in the fourth grade, in Los Alamos, NM, Mrs. Skahan published our class poetry and from that day forward I knew I would write a book someday! I still have that poetry book, made with punched holes with brads to hold it together and a construction paper cover which we each decorated for our own personal copy. I dug it out of my memento box recently and read again the poem I wrote about Linus, my Siamese cat. Writing a book was just a bit different, but writing that poem as a fourth grader seemed quite a big task at the time as well.

As I wrote Choosing Happiness, I shored up my own thoughts and experiences in how choosing happiness has worked for me, but I've also grown daily in my choice, as I've studied the inspiring works of others, and made happiness a more concentrated practice in my life. Practicing the choice every moment of every day really does make a difference. Struggling with what could be the most traumatic experience of your life makes the choice tough, but one worth the effort. If you are having a difficult time choosing happiness, try writing in your journal some activities that make you happy and then spend some time this weekend engaging in one of them. Taking your mind off your difficulties and redirecting to a positive, fun activity may be just what you need. We only have right now, right this moment to be happy, so go for it!

An unwelcome gift

2009-09-09T12:13:00.000-05:00

My niece remarked recently about being hurt by someone in her life. She felt quite sad from the experience. I have felt that way myself in the past, and though I can still be hurt momentarily by someones meanness, thoughtlessness, or unkindness, what I have learned is that I have the choice to not accept their "gift" of hurtfulness and to choose to not let it affect me. While we may acknowledge what the person has said or done, we do not have to take it on. This is a problem for them, not for you. If you are acting out of kindness and love in all things, then let that person keep their "gift." If you have done something to them to incur their being upset, take responsibility and apologize, but then move on. We cannot control another person's actions, thoughts, or words, but we can control how we react to them. You can only choose happiness for yourself, and by making that choice, and practicing daily, you will soon find that it becomes easier and easier to live your life forward, to be happy, and to not allow someone else to control your thoughts or actions. If dealing with an angry ex, this may be difficult at times, but the marriage is over and the best thing you can do for yourself is to live your life and not allow this person to affect you any longer. Let your ex keep the "gift." Choose happiness for you.

Today's Harvest!

2009-09-07T20:23:00.001-05:00

I wanted to share with you the harvest from my garden today! I have enjoyed having a garden this year after many years of one not being feasible. This is one of the simple things in life that brings me great happiness.

Steve and I started out the day running the Chick-fil-a 5k! This was my first race in over a year, having injured my neck in June of 08 and being advised by my physical therapist not to run. He started me on posture exercises though, and with continued yoga practice and power walking I have slowly built myself up for the run. It has taken practice and patience to get to this point again, but the best thing is, the posture building exercises, such as planks and wall stances have built my core and given me more strength than I had in the past. I thought I might not ever take up running again, but perseverance has paid off. I now run every other day, then walk thirty minutes and yoga on the days off from running. Choosing happiness is kind of like this when you've been through a traumatic, life changing experience. It will take patience and practice to build yourself back up, but the pay off can be, if you choose, to be happier than you have ever been in the past. You can come back with more strength than you thought possible. I encourage you to find an activity which brings you happiness. Make it a ritual each day to engage in this activity and find your joy! I'm not, nor have I ever been a great runner. I'm slower than the majority of other runners, but I do it because it makes me happy when I finish! And the endorphines sure keep my happiness going all the time! Spend some time in your journal listing as many activities as you can think of you might or do enjoy! Make time this week and go for at least one of them. Choose happiness!

Fill me with life!

2009-09-06T11:54:00.000-05:00

Our pastor spoke today about the "Fuel" we need in life to fill us up. Ephesians 3:19 says, "That you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God." John 10:10 says, "I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." And Galations 5: 22-23 says, "God's Spirit makes us loving, happy, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled. There is no law against behaving in any of these ways."

In thinking about these versus and how they apply to happiness, I realize that when God says he gives us life and not only life, but abundant life, he is not speaking to our living and breathing, he is speaking to our well being, our thoughts our hopes our dreams OUR HAPPINESS!!! Because embracing the gift God has given us in life itself is where happiness lies! When we live our lives with the attributes listed in Galations we can know happiness. While going through divorce and the months, years, that follow, if we stay centered in the negative there will be no happiness. It is only when we begin to live in a manner which embraces patience, kindness, love, self-control, will we truly find happiness. Each of these attributes require practice. They are simple concepts, but difficult at times to employ. Spend some time in your journal exploring how you can work on these in your life. Happiness is a choice you can make each moment of your life, but practicing the attributes that will bring you happiness will make the choice much easier to make. Have a happy day!

Today!

2009-09-02T14:50:00.000-05:00

“Look to this day for it is life. In its brief course lie all the realities and truths of existence, the joy of growth, the glory of action, the splendor of beauty…Today well lived makes every yesterday a memory of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore, to this day…”

-Ancient Sanskrit Proverb

What a great reminder - all we have is right now, this day, this moment and we should live it well! Though I struggle at times with this concept, as the years pass, I realize how true this is. Life is short and it is going by fast and I don’t want to waste a moment of it in anger, bitterness or despair! This morning, as I picked my first Heirloom tomato from the vine, I could not get over the beautiful pink undertone to the red! These tomatoes are “the splendor of beauty!” And they seem especially so since the squirrels ate the first harvest earlier this summer! I cut up that tomato, salted, drizzled with olive oil and balsamic, sprinkled on some goat cheese and fresh basil from my garden and enjoyed it for lunch. Magnificent! This seemingly simple act though, like so many we do each day, connects us to life, to memories, to who we are and to happiness. Because these very acts are the reality of the day and what we choose to do with them will determine our happiness. So no matter what actions you must take today, take a moment to find the joy or the beauty. This day is your life!

Book update

2009-08-10T14:35:00.001-05:00

I am in the process of finishing my book, Choosing Happiness After Divorce: A Woman’s 52 Week Guide to Living a Positive Life. I am completing the final edit and working with my book designer on the cover and the design of the book itself. I have been surprised about what all goes into seeing a book move from conception to seeing it printed and holding the book in my hands. But what a great experience this has been! I have had a great time thinking, reading and writing, and though a lonely occupation at times, I have loved every minute! I look for it to be in print by October, though hoping for an earlier print date. This has been an amazing process from start to almost finished and so gratifying to see a goal I have had for most of my life finally coming to fruition. My life has changed drastically since my own divorce almost ten years ago. I have grown in a thousand different ways and all because I chose to be happy. I attribute this entire project to understanding somewhere deep inside myself that I could not, would not, stop living and from this, I want to share my journey and what I have learned with other women struggling to move forward. Take some time to write in your journal about where you are right now in the process of choosing happiness. Assessing your life now and then is a great way to see if you are diverting from the path to happiness and heading down the dark road to negativity. Happiness is a choice!

Laughing Clubs!

2009-08-04T13:30:00.000-05:00

I am as of late reading A Whole New Mind: Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future, by Daniel H Pink. This is an interesting read regarding the creative mind and how our future depends on the people who can lead in creative directions. Now that many jobs are outsourced to other countries, we will need to develop other means of maintaining jobs here and the creative mind is going to be where that happens! I want to share with you one particular aspect he discusses in his book and that is about laughing clubs. I had heard these existed, but had never really learned anything about them; however, after reading about this, I thought how great a club would be for healing the hurt heart following divorce. Laughter truly is incredible medicine. Can’t picture yourself at a laughing club meeting? These are based on Yoga actually and were designed by a Yoga master, the wife of the man who started these clubs in India. Don’t totally disregard the idea until you check it out. I googled “laughing clubs” to see if I could find one close to home, but couldn’t find one. If there is one near you, give it a try and let me know what you think!!! If a laughing club doesn’t suit you, try renting some funny movies. Having a good belly laugh releases stress and according to a study at the University of Maryland, laughing helps reduce your chances of heart disease. Check out their website: http://www.umm.edu/features/laughter.htm Laughter is good for the heart and good for the soul! Find someone to laugh with and laugh your way back to happiness.

Living the Questions

2009-07-27T14:44:00.000-05:00

I am reading Frances Mayes, Under the Tuscan Sun, for the third time. I rarely read a book more than once, but I love her descriptions of life in Tuscany, the people, the countryside, the house she restores with her partner and the food, ah the food! When I started harvesting from my garden this year I wanted to go back and be inspired once again by the gardens of Bramasole and the recipes Mayes shares. On this subsequent reading, a passage strongly resonated with me. Mayes talks about how after her divorce she felt the need to change her life, to not let her life “narrow.” I felt much the same way after my divorce, and knew I had to take steps to change my life for me. Mayes goes on to quote Rainer Maria Rilke, one of my favorite writers/poets: “You must change your life.” And I will quote him even further: “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves…Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” I spent a lot of time anxious about the future and worrying about what would happen next until I realized, it didn’t matter! All that mattered was that I live each day positively and confidently. You will survive divorce and if you live each and every day, and I mean LIVE them to their fullest, even though you do not know the answers, you will live into those answers and they will be what you want to hear if you are living with determination and in a positive manner. This week, choose a book to inspire you! Spend time writing your “questions” and how you will live them!!! Choose Happiness! NOTE: The movie of the same title Under the Tuscan Sun, though a lovely story, was only inspired by the book; it is nothing like the true story held within the pages and cannot touch the abundance of life Mayes describes. Pick up the book if you want to be transported to Italy.

A little activity is good for the brain!

2009-07-20T18:40:00.000-05:00

Imagine my happiness when I ran across this little factoid, “a daily tipple and gardening boost longevity.” Being I enjoy my glass of wine and putter around in my garden most every day, not necessarily at the same time though, I figure I’m putting up a defense against dementia and increasing my lifespan exponentially. What a great bit of research. And this did have me thinking about choosing happiness and the importance of finding activities that you enjoy and at the same time are healthy. I couldn’t wait for spring this year, to plant my first garden in five years. After having spent three years on a mountain that could not sustain much other than pine trees and a Rosemary bush, and then spent two summers traveling extensively, when I realized I could finally support a garden again I dug out my gloves and headed to the garden store. It has been a great source of fun for me this summer, even though I have had to share with too many squirrels, but I have herbs galore and nine different varieties of tomatoes, zucchini and eggplant, jalapenos and chili plants too. When I go to the garden and pull weeds or pick my harvest, I find such peace in my head and in my soul. There is something so gratifying about seeing your hard work bear fruit and likewise, when you choose to work at being happy, and the results of your hard work start showing up in your day to day life, there will be great satisfaction. I encourage you this week to think about healthy activities you might enjoy. Choose something that will get you up and moving, out of the house, taking advantage of the longer hours of sunshine available in the summer. Even sitting outside in the shade of a tree reading or thinking is good for the soul. Take some time this week and write in your journal a list of activities you might like to try. Find a friend or go it alone, but choose to be active and keep that brain working and that body moving! Choose to actively be happy! (the above mentioned article can be found at: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Health/Daily_tipple_gardening_boost_longevity/articleshow/3823902.cms)

When the ex remarries

2009-07-15T10:36:00.000-05:00

I have been on hiatus to New Mexico and Colorado for three weeks and then entertained family and friends for two straight weeks in my home, making this a whirlwind of a summer so far! I am excited to be back in my office writing and finishing up my book! Today I thought I would share with you choosing happiness when your ex remarries. The feelings can be overwhelming when an ex becomes involved with a new person. If this happens soon after a divorce or possibly even during the midst of the divorce it can be devastating, churning up anger, bitterness or even hate, but what I want to encourage you to do is to work hard on putting these feelings behind you as they will only hurt you and your children. There is no ideal time for a person to start a relationship after divorce, as there will be tough emotions no matter when it occurs, but the fact is, the majority of divorced people will seek a new partner at some time or another, and more than likely one or both of you will remarry and statistically the male in a relationship is most likely to remarry within a short period of time after divorce. Mothers play such a crucial role in their children’s lives and your acceptance of an ex’s girlfriend or spouse will make a tremendous difference in the long term for your children. All of us need love in our lives. The more people who love us and we love, the healthier we tend to be. Allowing your children to love their father and his girlfriend or wife is important for their future relationships. You are demonstrating for them that though life doesn’t always turn out perfect, we can learn to adapt and make the best of our lives no matter the circumstances. Allowing them to accept a new female in their lives, not to replace you, but to be another adult who cares for them gives them the ability to be with their father without anxiety and fear, and demonstrates your love and kindness. Children need their fathers. They need to have a relationship based on their own judgments and feelings for him, not yours. If you are forming their opinions for them, they will have difficulty trusting their own opinions of others and this is not healthy for their future relationships. This does not mean that you tell your kids to love and respect their father and then add a “but he is a lousy person” or any other “but” as they need you to assure them that it is okay to love him in their own manner. So your ex really is a lousy person? Then eventually your kids will see it for themselves and have the best relationship they can with him, but this needs to be their relationship, not yours, and it needs to be on their terms, not yours. Too many children are traversing this world without a male figure in their lives. And psychologists see the fallout of this everyday. Having a father, even a not so perfect one, is better for them than none at all. Allow your children to love and be loved. They will be happier and healthier adults for your having done so. My ex remarried this summer and I will tell you, the first time I saw a picture of his new wife and one of my grandkids my heart fluttered a little, but this is what I know, my kids like her, my grandkids like her and she in turns cares for all of them, and what more can I ask for in their lives? How wonderful for them all to have another person to love and be loved by! Stepmoms get a bad rap far too often. One last note in closing: I realize that if true abuse is involved, you will need to seek help from a psychologist and possibly legal help. Do not hesitate if this is the case.

Inspiration!

2009-06-02T12:03:00.000-05:00

I am late this week and do apologize. I attended a speakers conference in Gatlinberg, TN with my husband and learned a great deal about the direction I want to take Choosing Happiness After Divorce. Though not everything we had hoped it would be, I did come away with some great ideas. First and foremost though, I was reminded that all I can be is up to me! I am the one who must put forth the effort. I am the one who makes things happen in my own life. I am the one who must choose everyday what I want my day to be! I like to hear other people tell me what I say so much myself! It is gratifying! Additionally, when the conference finished, we drove to Ashville, NC so we could tour the Biltmore Estate. Steve has been several times in years past and kept telling me how inspirational it was to him. He wanted me to have the experience. I had seen the Biltmore many years ago on the television show, America's Castles and thought it incredible, and couldn't believe I was getting the opportunity to see it in person. I cannot begin to describe what a truly inspiring experience this turned out to be! George Vanderbilt built a home on such a scale and with such grandeur, my words cannot describe it adequately. He was a highly educated, philanthropic man, devoted to family and friends, education, travel and beauty and brought all elements into play in his home. The library was my favorite room; imagine having thousands of books from around the world at your finger tips right in your own home! (I know, I know, we actually have that with online book ordering now, but I would prefer a library down the hall from my bedroom!) We took the behind the scenes tour along with the regular house tour and saw how the house was heated and cooled, how the organ worked, ice was made, refrigeration in the prep room for the kitchen, and so much more! I decided to share this personal experience because I think we all get so bogged down in our day to day lives that we often forget to look for inspiration! And you don't have to go to the Biltmore to be inspired! Look around you! Choose a place in your home town, or state! Or read a book about a person who has contributed to our world! Volunteer to help others! Cook a beautiful meal! Inspire those around you! Inspire yourself! This week write in your journal about what inspires you! And if it has been a long time since you have felt inspired, decide what you need to feel this way again! Have a great week! Here's to inspiration and choosing happiness!

Control and letting go!

2009-05-25T08:24:00.000-05:00

“You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and the best you have to give.” –Eleanor Roosevelt There are things in our life we sometimes cannot control and these uncontrollable elements in our day to day life often cause interference in our happiness. However, when you begin to understand the difference between things you can control and things you can’t, you can let them go and not let them steal your joy. There is a Lucinda Williams song where she sings “you took my joy and I want it back…” and she goes to different places to find her joy, and I love that song, but the thing is, no one can steal your joy unless you allow it. I sometimes feel my happiness dwindling when faced with difficult circumstances, but I have learned to think long and hard about what I can do to fix the situation and when I finally realize this is something I cannot control, I let it go. Yes, it is hard, but if there is nothing I can do to make it better, being upset, sad or angry will not make the situation better. On the other hand, if I look at a situation and realize I CAN do something to fix this, then setting forth a plan of action is imperative. I wanted to share the Eleanor Roosevelt quote with you this week in regards to the control in your lives because once you understand the difference in your ability to control or the need to let go, no matter which it is, meeting anything that occurs in your life with courage and always giving your best will help you on your path to happiness. This week, spend some time writing about the issues in your life that upset you, and then gauge whether you have any control over the issue. If there is nothing you can do, let it go. Think also about issues you can control and keep in mind, often times the things you can control but choose to put off or ignore, weigh on you heavier than the issues that are out of your control. If this is the case with you, go back and read the entries on goal setting and get some of those issues off your plate! We all want certainty in our life, and controlling everything sometimes makes us feel more secure, but unfortunately sets you up for disappointment and possibly anger when the non-controllable comes along. I encourage you to let go! Choose Happiness!

Goals II

2009-05-17T20:04:00.000-05:00

"There is one quality which one must possess to win, and that is definiteness of purpose, the knowledge of what one wants, and a burning desire to possess it." -Napoleon Hill Moving forward in your life will require that you set goals for what you would like to see happen in your future. In last weeks blog I talked about the importance of setting goals and decided I should expand that discussion this week into some concrete methods of goal setting. First, I believe you must decide what you see as your purpose in life. Your goals then are built around how you envision yourself fulfilling that purpose. I have spent most of my working life in the field of education and believe my greatest purpose in life is to assist others in learning and growing! My goals tend to center always on this purpose. Even though I am no longer formally teaching in a classroom, I still see my purpose as the same, but I am expanding into other fields of fulfilling my purpose and my goals correspond to this change. What is your purpose in life? Are your goals centered on what you believe is your purpose? If you are unclear on your purpose, take some time to investigate your strengths and weaknesses. Evaluate where you feel you have been successful in life and how you might build on your success. Also, think about what you enjoy most in life. All of these elements will give you some insight as to where your purpose lies. Once you have defined your purpose you will discover that setting goals is much easier and more fulfilling as they are driven by what you see as important! Each day set a goal which leads towards your longer term goals. When I began blogging again, I wanted to assure myself and my readers that I would be diligent in scheduling time for the blog. I set my goal to write my blogs on Friday so I could reread over the weekend and post on Monday mornings. My daily goal then is to seek the subject for the week and write notes on the topic so that come Friday, I am ready to write! I have barely scratched the surface in the how and why of goal setting, but I hopefully have inspired you to consider the importance and the necessity of writing down your goals. I encourage you to read more on this subject and seriously begin to take stock of your purpose and how you can achieve all you desire. Again, I suggest Brian Tracy’s book, Goals! How to Get Everything You Want-Faster Than You Ever Thought Possible. Take time this week in your journal to begin exploring your purpose in life. Define this for yourself and write your goals! Another step which will lead you to Choose Happiness!

Goal Setting

2009-05-11T06:56:00.000-05:00

You can’t just muck around in your life;

you better take off the waders, put on the diving gear and get going! I have been working diligently on writing down my goals, not just long term goals, but daily as well. My first goal is to choose happiness today. I write this in my journal to impact my brain with the importance of the message. I have discovered too, writing goals increases my happiness in all areas of my life because I feel focused and I have a vision, not only just for today, but for everyday. However, writing daily goals is not about writing a to do list, though one goal might be to accomplish so many tasks today from your to do list. Writing daily goals is about the tasks or activities which will bring you happiness. What does goal setting have to do with happiness? Plenty! People who set goals for themselves express a higher degree of satisfaction and obtain a greater level of success in life, and those who actually write down there goals do even better because the action of writing them down and having your goal set concretely in front of you will help you visualize the goal and make it real. A study conducted with Harvard students over a ten year period showed that the 3% of the graduating class that had not only defined their goals but written them down, ten years later were earning ten times more than their fellow classmates. If you want to be happy each and every day of your life, then it only makes sense that having goals and striving towards them will help you in choosing happiness everyday. How then do you set goals? You have to take time to really consider what you feel is important, what you want to achieve in life and how you are going to achieve it. Then you have to step by step work towards each goal. I have known most of my life I wanted to be a writer, but had never set any goals towards this dream. I have written sporadically over the years, but did not set a specific goal until I conceived of the idea for Choosing Happiness after Divorce. When I first began writing, however, I didn’t realize how important goal setting could be to me. I had days when I would write for awhile and days when I wouldn’t. I only made progress when I finally set a goal of 1000 words per day and required myself to sit at the computer until I achieved this goal. At this point, I began to make progress and I loved the feeling of accomplishment at the end of my writing session. Since then, I have been writing goals and daily working to achieve them and now I am achieving my dream of being a published author. I continue to learn more and more about goal setting. Brian Tracy’s book, Goals! How to Get Everything You Want-Faster Than You Ever Thought Possible, is a great source for learning how to set goals. If you are not setting goals, I encourage you to begin this discipline. Thinking about what you want from you life and then taking the time to write the goals necessary to achieve what you want is worth all the effort required. Take time in your journal this week to seriously think about your goals and get going! Choose Happiness!

Announcement

2009-05-06T11:01:00.000-05:00

I will be blogging again on a regular basis. Please look for the next blog every Monday morning! Hope you had the chance to read this week's blog on Tolerance! Have a great week! See you Monday! Choose Happiness!

Tolerance

2009-05-03T20:31:00.000-05:00

“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without necessarily accepting it.” -Aristotle Aristotle understood an educated mind cannot be closed off to new ideas, new people or a new way of doing something. Tolerance prevents our becoming stagnant in our thinking, brings innovation to our world and allows us to all appreciate others for their differences even if we do not have the same belief systems. Tolerance towards the ex may seem impossible, but is necessary for the emotional health of your children. No matter how you feel about him or her, choosing to show your children your ability to tolerate each other’s differences is important. Consider this: if you cannot tolerate the other single most important person in your child’s life, how then can your child learn to accept others and eventually form their own relationships with a partner or spouse? No one is perfect and if the other parent is ridiculed and shown disrespect by you in front of the children, this behavior will become the model of partnership your child will more than likely eventually have with his or her spouse. Yes, you are divorced and your children know this, but they will still conceptualize relationships based on those modeled for them. Intolerance results in your children making enemies of others in their life as they see this as okay. It limits their intelligence by closing them off to all the possibilities that exist for them in life and discourages the search for knowledge. Intolerance discourages creativity, as creativity requires exploration of new and different ideas. Intolerance limits the ability to self discipline because your child will see others as being the only ones at fault, keeping her from accepting responsibility for her own actions. And in going back to the Aristotle quote, intolerance prohibits the ability to think for oneself with accuracy and reasoning because when intolerant, you cannot entertain a new thought, things are as they always have been and always will be, so do not question, do not think and certainly do not show respect for others. All of this holds true for you as well. I encourage you to teach your children tolerance starting with their other parent if this has been a problem for you. Likewise, I hope you will teach them tolerance in all areas of their life, giving them the means to think for themselves, but likewise to speak up for themselves and others. Tolerance is a means of showing respect for others opinions, beliefs or actions and a means of eliminating hate from our world. Choose to be tolerant of others; choose happiness!

hiatus

2009-01-11T16:08:00.000-06:00

As you may have noticed, I have not posted in quite awhile. I am in the last stages of editing the book and hope to have it ready for publication soon! I will resume the blog in the near future! Stay tuned.....

Cleaning up the mess!

2008-06-25T13:06:00.000-05:00

When divorce occurs one person moves out of the family home and one usually remains behind, even if only until the property sales. For the person who remains behind then, there is often a great deal of “stuff” left from the marriage: a garage or attic full of boxes, old clothes and furniture stored away, memorabilia from possibly both your lives and pictures, often stuffed in boxes, if you were married before the digital age. This can feel really overwhelming, as just having to deal with it can bring back memories that you are working to forget. Yet cleaning out and throwing away can help you heal. So how do you take on this project? First and foremost, do not throw out things that belong to your ex that he or she has not had a chance to retrieve. Call or email and give an opportunity for him to come over and pick up his remaining items. Be fair and be kind, no matter the circumstances of your divorce. Then set out on a methodical, planned and plotted mission to clean up and clear out your space. Set aside a little time each week, even if only an hour here or there, and choose a spot to work on and get going. There are many books on the market that can give you tips on cleaning and organizing that you might find helpful. After my divorce, I moved twice before I finally realized I had to do some serious weeding of my stuff. Before my last move, I literally went through everything in my house and discarded, sold or gave away nearly all of my furniture, and unnecessary items. I cannot tell you how freeing it felt, what a burden was lifted from my shoulders, in not having to deal with so much “stuff” again! The move became a breeze and now I still find it much easier to discard or give away items that are unnecessary or to not buy them in the first place. Cleaning up your mess will make you feel better and help continue your choice of happiness! Spend some time walking through your home and noting the cluttered spaces, including closets, attics and garages. Write about how you want to tackle this project. Is there anyone who would help you? Do you need a blueprint to follow by purchasing a how to guide? Write out a plan for yourself and a date to begin. This will help make the project real and help get you started. If there is a move pending on the horizon, then set a deadline as well, giving yourself a goal to achieve. Trust me; you will not believe how much better you will feel once the excess is gone. Good luck!

Desperately Seeking Someone

2008-05-10T14:13:00.000-05:00

Dating soon after divorce can be a great self esteem boost; however, you are vulnerable at this juncture and the importance in protecting your heart and using your head cannot be stressed enough. The attention someone new offers will be fun and give your spirits a lift. You will probably get that excited feeling in the pit of your stomach and a racing heart at this new love interest and that can feel good and be enticing. The important thing to understand at this point though is the need to take your time and not rush into anything serious right away. If you have been married for any number of years, you need time to discover who you are again; time to think about your needs and desires and time to discover what you want in a new partner. Taking time to assess what happened in the marriage you just left is important. Was your spouse abusive, critical, controlling, or unfaithful? What prompted you to choose this person? Or were one or other of you simply unhappy and so you left the marriage? Taking time to look back at your marriage and learn from your mistakes will help strengthen your chances of having a successful subsequent marriage or relationship. If there was any sort of abuse involved, you need to strongly consider why you chose this person. Do not allow yourself to be a victim. Take responsibility for having entered the first relationship and deciding why you did, so that you can avoid making a similar choice again. Let me strongly state, I am not saying abuse is okay or excusable, I am saying though, that you chose to marry a person who ended up abusing you, don’t let that happen again and you are the only one who can prevent this. Additionally, understanding that no one can make you happy is an important part of marriage. Taking time to learn how to be happy for yourself now, will make a second marriage more likely to be successful. Only you can make yourself happy. Having been married to a controlling person the first time, I knew I did not want to experience that again. When I had a date with a man who became possessive soon after and made a snide remark about my having been out with friends, I cannot tell you the joy I experienced in my heart when I was able to tell him firmly and with no regrets that I had been in a controlling and possessive relationship once and intended not to do it again. I said goodbye and that was that. I had learned, you cannot change someone’s behavior, you cannot make someone who is controlling or possessive give up those traits, you just have to know that you will not tolerate them and move on. The same with abuse, you must learn, what are the signs of an abusive person and then you must be alert to any sign of this in a new love interest. And for happiness, you must learn how to be happy in you! Dating can be great fun, but take your time. If the relationship becomes serious, give it a couple of years to meld. Anyone can be on their best behavior for a year, it is usually during the second year that if there is going to be personality conflicts that they will show up. Have fun, but use your head and keep your heart guarded until you have time to decide what you want for your future. Write in your journal what you hope to find in a new partner. Reflect on what happened in your first marriage and how you want to avoid this in the future and how you can accomplish that. Relationships are hard work, but gratifying when both people are working hard. Know what you want and what you expect before you enter in again.

Volunteer for Happiness

2008-04-22T17:06:00.000-05:00

Happiness during the dark days of divorce may seem out of your realm, but it doesn’t have to be. While you are caught up in the proceedings, whether you are divorcing with lawyers involved, or you and your ex are trying to hammer out an agreement yourselves , the roller coaster ride may seem more like a death spiral, but you can come up for air and find some happiness by taking yourself out of the ring for awhile. Take a weekend and volunteer for Habitat for Humanity or maybe a local homeless shelter. Giving your time to a worthy cause, and reminding yourself that there are others in the world with worse problems, can help you keep perspective and realize that life will go on and that you will be fine. Also, volunteering gives your mind another focus and takes you out of the constant banter in your head about the wrongs that your ex has inflicted on you or the anger you feel at him and the situation you now find yourself in. Happiness is work at this time in your life, but well worth the effort because what better way to have revenge than to walk away happy with confidence and purpose. Spend time writing about how you can help others and then how that makes you feel. The act of divorce can be so overwhelming and smothering that you must find ways to keep your head above water and to keep it all in perspective. Life is hard for the majority of the world and divorce is survivable. Volunteer.

Confronting ourselves

2008-04-09T16:00:00.000-05:00

Letting go of the past can be difficult no matter how long you have been divorced, no matter how happy you are, no matter how full your life has become, no matter how well you think you have put it behind you. Sometimes the past rears up and the old feelings come trickling or even flooding back in, but what you do with those feelings is important. After a recent visit with my sons, one of them told me he thinks I still harbor resentment towards their father. I have spent some time thinking about what he said, and though I do not resent their father, when I return to the town where we had our life, where two of my sons still live, I realize that I feel some twinges of guilt that my children did not have a family that stayed intact, and that I have tended to rehash some of my marriage experiences with them. I also tend to offer unsolicited advice in hopes they never follow the path their parents wandered down. Here I am writing about getting on with life, choosing happiness, and my past still nips at my heels on occasion. I am very thankful that my son mentioned this to me, because what better way to learn about oneself than to be confronted and have to face my own shortcomings. So, even though I am happy beyond measure in my life now, I realize that grown children do not want to rehash the past any more than your children still in your care do, and that the past is just that, the past, and our children must live their own lives, make their own mistakes and most importantly, forge their own paths. A reminder to myself and to all of us, we can’t change our past, but we can let it go. We can believe in our present and look forward to our futures. And we can believe in our children and have hope for their futures! Choose happiness and leave the past behind. I find that when I have something that I need to confront, my best way to deal with the problem, the situation, whatever it may be, is to write about what is going on and what might be causing the attachment to the past. This allows me to work though my feelings and thoughts and to then put the situation to rest. Give this a try in your journal the next time you need to confront yourself.

Avoiding Victim Status

2008-03-24T13:56:00.000-05:00

While it may be tempting to portray yourself to your friends as a victim of your ex, to tell your story and seek sympathy from others, placing yourself in victim status will not lead you to happiness. During the initial stages of divorce, naturally, you will want to share what happened with those closest in your life. When, however, you begin to tell anyone who will listen or continue to rehash the story over and over to others, you are headed toward permanent victim status. When you become a victim, you need never look at your own responsibility in the demise of your marriage and you become less likely to secure a better future for yourself, because even if you were abused physically or mentally in your marriage, understanding that you chose to marry this person and understanding why you made the choice will lead you to make a better choice in the future. Let me strongly emphasize that I am not saying abuse is your fault, nor is abuse ever excusable. I am saying that to avoid allowing someone else like this into your life you must not become a helpless victim, you must take responsibility for making the choice in the first place and work hard in understanding why you made that choice and deciding how to not do it again. When you turn yourself into a victim, you stay permanently attached to the relationship. Though no longer married, victims seem to find a way to stay attached to their ex through frequent communication with negative results or possible trumped up legal action to continue contact. A victim feeds on the continued contact to remain in victim status. Additionally, the victim may gain attention from others who are sympathetic, but at some point you will find these sympathetic friends disappearing as they want you to move on with your life. If your ex is the one who has become a victim, then cut off all contact. You do not have to respond to emails or phone calls, and if a response is necessary because you have children and some things must be discussed, then say nothing personal, do not respond to attacks, and whenever possible to avoid response, say by responding directly to the school or calling the doctor about the children yourself, you will maintain your own sanity and not feed into your ex’s need to be a victim. Avoid at all costs becoming a victim. Examine your own life and understand that there is nothing to be gained by being a victim, that by taking responsibility for your life and all that happens in your future, you will achieve happiness. Spend some time this week writing about yourself and deciding whether you have turned into a victim or whether your ex is exhibiting signs of being a victim. You can not control your ex, but you can control your responses to your ex and keep yourself from being a victim. Write how you are handling your situation and where your responsibility lies in the marriage and how you can avoid repeating the same mistake. And if you have taken on the roll of victim, write about how you intend to change this and move forward. You can choose happiness and leave the victim behind!

Letting go of hate and anger

2008-03-07T18:53:00.000-06:00

Consider for a moment if you will, any feelings of anger or hatred you may have towards your ex. While you may feel justified in your feelings, anger and hatred can and will destroy your life and will greatly effect all with whom you interact. Both of these emotions infect your brain much like a virus, causing you to loose your judgment, to overreact to any situation and to transfer those feelings to others around you. You cannot hate someone and still have a love for others as love and hate cannot coexist under any circumstances. Throughout time all great spiritual leaders and philosophers have warned us of the negative effects of hatred. Hate overpowers your ability to make rational decisions, and to see the difference between right and wrong. When you feel hate bubbling up in your mind, it is important not to let that emotion run rampant in your brain. If possible remove yourself from your immediate surroundings, and take a moment to engage in either meditation, prayer, or just some deep breathing to help release the hate from your mind. Then turn your attention to something that brings you pleasure and concentrate on that image. The next time this occurs, you will become more adept at fighting off the feeling. Don’t let hate define your life. Life is too precious, too short, to let yourself be controlled and destroyed by hate. Take time this week to write in your journal how you will continue to rid your mind of feelings of anger and hate. Also, if you keep having a recurring hateful thought write about it and decide does this make me feel better? Does this thought help me to move forward? Does this thought make me dwell on a past I cannot change or a person I cannot control? You can only control your thoughts, your actions, your life. Live your life free of hate. Choose happiness!

Allow your children to love you both

2008-02-25T17:07:00.000-06:00

In an ideal divorce situation, both parents would deserve and have equal custody along with decision making capabilities regarding their children. They would treat each other fairly and with respect for their own chosen parenting style. Unfortunately this is too often not the case and at least one parent if not both set out to defame the other parent in their children’s eyes. Turning your children against the other parent will create a life long psychological difficulty for them and gain you nothing. A friend of mine shared with me the anger she still feels at times towards her mother for turning her against her father while she was a child. When she was old enough to begin questioning all she had been told, she discovered that her mother had lied to her and greatly exaggerated her father's failings. She has now forged a relationship with her father and become closer to him than to her mother, and feels cheated of the years she lost to her mother's bitterness. Saying derogatory things about the other parent, withholding money, being disrespectful toward the other parent in front of your children only hurt your children and your long term relationship with them. Your anger at your ex can destroy you all when you choose to involve your children in exacting revenge on your ex. Allow your children to love both of you. Allow them to love the step parents that may be part of their lives. Love is infinite and will only result in more love for you, not less. When you act out of love, by being kind towards others, including your ex, and teach your children to always act out of love, the happiness in your lives will be multiplied over and over again. Hate and anger destroys lives. Don’t let it destroy your children. Spend some time this week writing about your children and whether or not you are being fair to their other parent. Are you acting out of love and kindness? Are you acting in the best interest of your children and not yourself. If not, decide to do so and write about how you can accomplish this. Have a great week.

Happiness is not a cover up

2008-02-16T11:49:00.000-06:00

Choosing to be happy does not mean that you won't feel anger, bitterness, sadness or despair at times and certainly, putting on a fake front and ignoring your feelings will not make them go away. However, what will carry you through when you have those feelings is how you deal with them. Acting on your anger may feel good for the moment, but generally results in pain to others or to yourself. Instead, when you feel angry, try and get to the source of the anger. Fear can often be the source of many of the feelings you experience as a result of divorce. Naming those fears and conquering those fears in a concrete manner, will help alieviate the resulting feelings. Happiness relies on your ability to not allow anger, etc. to power your life. Choosing happiness means acting out of love and not fear. Spend some time this week exploring your fears. Write about your fears and think of constructive means to alleviate them from your mind. Have a great week!

Writing your way to happiness

2008-02-09T09:26:00.000-06:00

One of the fundamental elements of working your way to choosing happiness, is to write about your experience. Research shows that when you write about traumatic incidents that occur in your life, you will find a greater sense of healing and understanding by working through the process in this way. In Choosing Happiness after Divorce: A woman's 52 week guide to living a positive life, I emphasize the importance of journal writing. Journaling provides you with an escape valve to release emotion, to establish goals for yourself, to think through problems that arise and to contemplate all you have to feel grateful for in your life. I encourage you this week to go out and purchase a journal and begin to utilize the benefits of putting pen to paper. I know... you hated writing in school, why would you want to do it now? Because at this point in your life, writing is about you and your life, not an assignment that might feel like a punishment. When you begin, you may find difficulty in writing more than a sentence or two if you have never written in a journal before, but taking this time to write about all you are feeling and experiencing will help you in the end. I suggest that you write a little each day, though certainly, any amount is helpful. Whether you write for great lengths or in short bursts, take the time. Feel like writing a mean spirited email to that ex? Instead, write it in your journal and be done with the impulse. I am going to encourage you each week to avoid anger and meaness towards your ex. These only stall your healing and add nothing to your choice to be happy. So take out that pen and paper and get started. An idea for you to begin with this week: write a list of as many things as you can think of that bring you pleasure. Have a great week!

Welcome!

2008-01-31T12:48:00.000-06:00

Happiness is a choice and though one that may seem difficult after a divorce, the choice is yours to make. Join me each week with ideas and encouragement for living a happy life! Decide to take the most difficult situation you have ever faced and turn it into a positive. Whether you chose divorce or divorce was chosen for you, creating a new life is the only choice you have now. Make that life fantastic!