Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a tough issue no matter your marital circumstances, but forgiveness is the surest path to peace in any one's life and one of the greatest ways to choosing happiness. In a single mom's discussion group I lead, the question recently arose that if she forgave her ex, wasn't she saying what he did to her was okay? Additionally, he is still giving her a hard time, so isn't forgiveness out of the question? The pain was evident in her face, but there was anger there too. So what is the answer?
Forgiveness is not so much about the other person as it is about you. Forgiveness allows you to put the past behind you and to move forward into the future. It does not mean what someone did to you was okay. However, when you don't forgive others you are constantly looking back over your shoulder and cannot move forward in a sure manner. Forgiving others puts you back in control of your life and takes control away from the other person, because he or she is controlling you through your thoughts and actions when you do not forgive. Also, by not forgiving, you are carrying around anger, bitterness and possibly hatred for the other person and this only affects you and your peace of mind. It does not affect the other person.

Are you letting someone off the hook then by forgiving? Absolutely not. You still have the ability to say what you did to me was wrong, but it is over and I'm moving forward. This is where forgetting then comes in. We can forgive someone, but we won't forget. In not forgetting we are setting the boundary we need to be sure we do not allow the person to repeat the action against us, and to also learn how to keep someone else from hurting us in the same way. This is where setting boundaries after divorce, or in any case of forgiveness, is important. If we forgot what happened to us, we would allow the behaviour to repeat against us. We can forgive, but we don't have to forget, because we need to learn from what happened.

Colossians 3:12-13 (NCV) states: "God has chosen you and made you his holy people. He loves you. So you should always clothe yourselves with mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other, and forgive each other. If someone does wrong to you, forgive that person because the Lord forgave you." Likewise, we need to forgive ourselves too when we mess up. Sometimes we do a great job of forgiving others, but walk around with a load of guilt for something we did, but again, moving forward requires forgiveness for yourself and not forgetting so you don't do it again. Forgiveness is never easy, but it is necessary for a happy life. Here's another verse from the Bible on forgiveness: "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32 (NIV) If you are having trouble with forgiveness, try writing one or both of these verses down and post them in a place you will view frequently. Forgiveness is a sure way to happiness.

Spend some time writing in your journal how you might begin to forgive someone who has hurt you. Remember, this is about bringing you peace of mind and heart. Write about the lesson you have learned from this hurt and how you might set boundaries to keep it from happening again. This may take some repeated writing to help you clear your mind and heart from the hurt, but it will be well worth your effort! Choose happiness!