Avoid Martyrdom!

I just returned from a trip in which I visited the town of Annonay, France. There is not much of significance in this town anymore, but I took the walking tour, following the map provided by the tourism office. I came upon the Tour des Martyrs, seen in this picture, and have tried to find out the history on the tower, to no avail. I am curious as to who the martyrs were and if they were imprisoned in the tower, or took refuge here.

In modern times, we use the word martyr to indicate someone who considers themselves a victim. Taking on victim status can be pretty easy after divorce, however, being a victim is not going to serve one well for very long. Being a victim essentially locks you in a tower of your own making, one friends will quickly desert and grow tired of, one that will keep you from moving forward in your life, and is certainly not going to include happiness.

If you are feeling like a victim for any reason, it's time to stop the pity party and start counting all for which you can be grateful. It is natural to go through a feeling sorry for yourself stage after divorce, but staying there is not going to benefit you are your children. Move on. Decide to make a new life for yourself and make it great. You only live once, so what's your life going to be? Martyr or Life Maker?

Tips for leaving the pity party: Spend time every day writing down a few things for which you are grateful. Inspire yourself by reading about someone who has faced incredible adversity. I just read the book, Breaking Night: A Memoir of Forgiveness, Survival and My Journey from Homeless to Harvard, by Liz Murray and believe me, when you read this young woman's story, I think you will see how great your life really is and can be!

Peace and joy!

Avoiding Victim Status

While it may be tempting to portray yourself to your friends as a victim of your ex, to tell your story and seek sympathy from others, placing yourself in victim status will not lead you to happiness. During the initial stages of divorce, naturally, you will want to share what happened with those closest in your life. When, however, you begin to tell anyone who will listen or continue to rehash the story over and over to others, you are headed toward permanent victim status. When you become a victim, you need never look at your own responsibility in the demise of your marriage and you become less likely to secure a better future for yourself, because even if you were abused physically or mentally in your marriage, understanding that you chose to marry this person and understanding why you made the choice will lead you to make a better choice in the future. Let me strongly emphasize that I am not saying abuse is your fault, nor is abuse ever excusable. I am saying that to avoid allowing someone else like this into your life you must not become a helpless victim, you must take responsibility for making the choice in the first place and work hard in understanding why you made that choice and deciding how to not do it again. When you turn yourself into a victim, you stay permanently attached to the relationship. Though no longer married, victims seem to find a way to stay attached to their ex through frequent communication with negative results or possible trumped up legal action to continue contact. A victim feeds on the continued contact to remain in victim status. Additionally, the victim may gain attention from others who are sympathetic, but at some point you will find these sympathetic friends disappearing as they want you to move on with your life. If your ex is the one who has become a victim, then cut off all contact. You do not have to respond to emails or phone calls, and if a response is necessary because you have children and some things must be discussed, then say nothing personal, do not respond to attacks, and whenever possible to avoid response, say by responding directly to the school or calling the doctor about the children yourself, you will maintain your own sanity and not feed into your ex’s need to be a victim. Avoid at all costs becoming a victim. Examine your own life and understand that there is nothing to be gained by being a victim, that by taking responsibility for your life and all that happens in your future, you will achieve happiness. Spend some time this week writing about yourself and deciding whether you have turned into a victim or whether your ex is exhibiting signs of being a victim. You can not control your ex, but you can control your responses to your ex and keep yourself from being a victim. Write how you are handling your situation and where your responsibility lies in the marriage and how you can avoid repeating the same mistake. And if you have taken on the roll of victim, write about how you intend to change this and move forward. You can choose happiness and leave the victim behind!