Three small steps

Guarding our hearts after divorce can be difficult at best, but so important in avoiding making a mistake. Roughly 50% of first marriages in our country end in divorce, 63-67% of second marriages, and 73-75% of third or subsequent marriages end in divorce. To keep yourself from being one of these second marriage and beyond statistics it is going take some time and effort to find the best person to become your partner. Divorce lawyers will tell you, that nine times out of ten, they see their clients marry the same type of person they just divorced and the client ends up back in their office within a few years. Believing that your life will be better if you just have someone else to love is going to get you in over your head with pain because the truth is you have to make your life the best it can be with yourself first before you add another person to the equation. So how do you do this? By taking time and learning who you are and what you want for sure.

Did you ever see the movie Runaway Bride, with Julia Roberts? In this movie she keeps running away from marriage right before reaching the alter. What she finally comes to realize, through the assistance of none other than Richard Gere, is that she doesn't know herself and cannot commit to someone else if she doesn't know who she is first. After taking the time to discover what she wants and why, she of course ends up with Richard Gere, and though I cannot promise you a Richard Gere, I can assure you a better chance of happiness with a partner if you have taken the time to figure a few things out before you remarry.

This is where those journals can really come in handy. First, take the time to write about the qualities you want in a partner. How are they like or different from your first partner. I knew I did not want anyone controlling or jealous in a second partner and because I verbally and physically (by writing about it) acknowledged this it made it much easier to spot this problem when it occurred and did it ever occur! I met a man that I had quite a few phone conversations with, and I told my friend I had this nagging feeling there might be control issues, but maybe I was not giving him the benefit of the doubt. We had a dinner date that was nice, but again, just a hint in my gut there was something lurking below the surface. Over spring break (I was an educator in my former life) my girl friend and I went on a trip together and upon my return this man called and as we were chatting I mentioned something in passing that was funny, and then it happened. A jealous comment came from him and I froze for just a moment before I said to him, "I have done controlling and jealous before; I am not going back there. Please do not call me again." I told him goodbye and hung up. Now, maybe you find this an over reaction, but like I said earlier, my gut was telling me and I was not listening that there was a problem, so when it came to the surface in an obvious manner, I knew I had to stop things right there and then. I would not ever be in that kind of relationship again. I have had enough knots in my stomach to last a life time and even if it meant being alone forever, I would not live that way again. I encourage you to define the characteristics you want and don't want and start identifying them. And consider this, the heartache of divorce is so extreme, do you really want to go there again? Isn't it worth the time and effort it will take to be sure it doesn't happen again?

Second, you have to identify what makes you happy and make yourself happy! No one else can make you happy! NO ONE!!! Not your children, not a new partner, not anyone but you, and once you realize this and put that responsibility on your own shoulders where it belongs, then and only then are you ready to begin seeking someone to share your life with because once you are happy in who you are and with your life, can you find someone equally as whole to be there with you. Additionally, material things cannot make you happy either, so even though a new partner might ease your financial burden in someways, you cannot look to this to bring you happiness. Yes, it might make some aspects of life easier, but is material comfort going to make up for the knots in your stomach (or whatever you are trying to avoid) in a subsequent marriage?

Third, once you are ready to seriously seek someone new, time needs to be a factor. Anyone can be on their best behaviour for a year, but it is in the second year of dating someone that the cracks begin to show and the reality of life with this person can hit you in the face and make you think about whether or not you are a good fit together. And I know, I've heard lots of people say to me, "but two years? How can I wait that long?" Isn't at least two years worth not going through divorce again? I dated an incredibly nice man after my divorce. He really helped heal my heart and opened my eyes to my own self worth, but it was toward the end of that first year when I started really evaluating what I wanted and what I expected that I started realizing that we had nothing in common and what seemed so attractive at the moment, would not sustain a life long relationship. After I broke things off with him, I really began to grow in my personal life, through seeking my own happiness, discovering what I really liked to do and following my dreams! I wrote a lot and read a lot to be the best person I could be and happiest person I could be. I eventually did feel ready to seek a partner and after dating for two years, we were married and are coming up on our fourth anniversary.

I realize, these three little steps, are just that, little steps. There are so many ins and outs to relationships and variables that make things different for everyone, but these three steps can make the difference and keep you from making a painful mistake. I will continue to write about our new relationships and sharing ideas with you. Write, read, dream, think, plan, compare and contrast, and never stop growing! Choose happiness!  

Desperately Seeking Someone

Dating soon after divorce can be a great self esteem boost; however, you are vulnerable at this juncture and the importance in protecting your heart and using your head cannot be stressed enough. The attention someone new offers will be fun and give your spirits a lift. You will probably get that excited feeling in the pit of your stomach and a racing heart at this new love interest and that can feel good and be enticing. The important thing to understand at this point though is the need to take your time and not rush into anything serious right away. If you have been married for any number of years, you need time to discover who you are again; time to think about your needs and desires and time to discover what you want in a new partner. Taking time to assess what happened in the marriage you just left is important. Was your spouse abusive, critical, controlling, or unfaithful? What prompted you to choose this person? Or were one or other of you simply unhappy and so you left the marriage? Taking time to look back at your marriage and learn from your mistakes will help strengthen your chances of having a successful subsequent marriage or relationship. If there was any sort of abuse involved, you need to strongly consider why you chose this person. Do not allow yourself to be a victim. Take responsibility for having entered the first relationship and deciding why you did, so that you can avoid making a similar choice again. Let me strongly state, I am not saying abuse is okay or excusable, I am saying though, that you chose to marry a person who ended up abusing you, don’t let that happen again and you are the only one who can prevent this. Additionally, understanding that no one can make you happy is an important part of marriage. Taking time to learn how to be happy for yourself now, will make a second marriage more likely to be successful. Only you can make yourself happy. Having been married to a controlling person the first time, I knew I did not want to experience that again. When I had a date with a man who became possessive soon after and made a snide remark about my having been out with friends, I cannot tell you the joy I experienced in my heart when I was able to tell him firmly and with no regrets that I had been in a controlling and possessive relationship once and intended not to do it again. I said goodbye and that was that. I had learned, you cannot change someone’s behavior, you cannot make someone who is controlling or possessive give up those traits, you just have to know that you will not tolerate them and move on. The same with abuse, you must learn, what are the signs of an abusive person and then you must be alert to any sign of this in a new love interest. And for happiness, you must learn how to be happy in you! Dating can be great fun, but take your time. If the relationship becomes serious, give it a couple of years to meld. Anyone can be on their best behavior for a year, it is usually during the second year that if there is going to be personality conflicts that they will show up. Have fun, but use your head and keep your heart guarded until you have time to decide what you want for your future. Write in your journal what you hope to find in a new partner. Reflect on what happened in your first marriage and how you want to avoid this in the future and how you can accomplish that. Relationships are hard work, but gratifying when both people are working hard. Know what you want and what you expect before you enter in again.