The Importance of Friendship and Community

After divorce, one of the toughest aspects is the feeling that you are all alone now. You have lost that person who was there each day and helped in someway to make the day's burden lighter. And even in a marriage where you might have been lonely and didn't receive much assistance in the day to day routine, because this can certainly be the case, there is still a profound sense of loneliness when you find yourself truly living on your own. However, guard yourself from allowing your heart to go in search of someone to fill up that emptiness you may feel at this time because you are not prepared to make that decision at this point. Another partner cannot fix things. So what do you do?

In Ecclesiastes 4: 10-12 Solomon talks about the importance of not being alone. The NLT version states: "If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble. And on a cold night, two under the same blanket can gain warmth from each other. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." I have always loved these verses, but after divorce, who are you going to stand with? Who is going to back you up? Doesn't this mean I should find someone right away? I believe, if you read the entire chapter, what Solomon is saying is don't let your pride get in the way of asking for help. Don't let your pride make you think you can go it all alone, because this is "vanity" in Solomon's words. We need people in our lives and reaching out to friends and family at this most difficult time in your life is important to do and will help hold you up until you are ready to begin searching for another life partner.

One sad aspect of divorce can be the loss of friends and when you just lost your spouse, this is hard to take. Friends leave for lots of different reasons and if yours were all friends based on the marriage, more than likely many of them will dissolve. But please don't despair. This can also be one of the blessings of divorce in opening the door to new friendships, stronger and longer lasting than those from before. My closest friend came after my divorce and I don't think there will be anything that parts us. We both have remarried, and even live all the way across the country from each other, but we are still friends and always will be. We talk on the phone frequently and travel to see each other. She has been one of the greatest blessings to come from my divorce.

I encourage you to lean on others, to seek the friendships and sense of community that will sustain you through this difficult season in life. I had turned away from God during my marriage, a story I will share at another time, but after the divorce, I realized I could not go it alone and turned back to God. It was then that I began to see my friendships blossom with others and once I started attending church again, I found there another group of people to support me with their encouraging words and cheer. My sisters have been an ever present support in my life, but we drew even closer. When I remarried, I was ready because I had filled up the hole in my heart, not with another partner chosen too fast and out of despair, but with God and with the happiness I chose for myself. I moved from New Mexico to Tennessee to be with my new husband. He is my best friend and love of my life, but I know the importance of that third cord too. I have become involved in our church, Hope Presbyterian in Cordova, TN and am now building new friendships as well. In fact, today's blog was inspired by Dr. Eli Morris, one of our pastors who spoke yesterday about relationships. He reminded me of the Ecclesiastes verses, but also said the following:
"Relationships are the place we find...the Challenge we need...the Encouragement we need...the Comfort we need." And isn't this so true? We are not meant to go through life alone.

Take time this week to write in your journal where you might seek out new friendships or how you might reach out to others and ask for help. Don't let your pride keep you from asking when you really need a helping hand. And never doubt the importance of friendship. I will talk about the partner issue again soon, but develop some really great friendships before you go seeking that new partner. Choose Happiness!

Saturdays!

We all love the TGIF and can't wait for the weekend, but I know for many of you, the weekend is hectic with chores just so you can keep up during the week. With laundry and grocery shopping, activities or sports with the kids, by the time Saturday evening comes, you may just want to collapse in bed, having never done anything for yourself.

I want you to consider this today: if you are not taking care of yourself, how long will you manage to take care of everyone else? It is vital that you carve out some time for you. If your children are small, plan on putting them to bed early (yes, you can, you are the parent!) and then watch a movie, maybe have a glass of wine, or take a hot bath. Maybe read something for fun for a change, but find a little bit of time for yourself. If your children are older, there maybe activities you can involve them in to give yourself a break now and then. Look for programs at your church or if you do not attend a church on a regular basis, maybe look for one that offers youth programs and get involved or look into community services in your city. You need alone time or friend time now and then, so spend some time writing down a list of ways you can accomplish this task. It is for your own well being, as well as the kids, because if you are not bringing your best self to every day with your mental batteries recharged, you are not going to be the best parent you can be! Choose to take care of yourself and choose happiness!

Nutty, oatty, cinnamon, raisin bread

Happy Friday everyone! I decided to share one more bread recipe before moving on into a different category. This time of year, hot tasty bread is comforting, and the smell can cheer even the saddest soul, especially this nutritious hearty breakfast bread. I also like a slice toasted with honey and peanut butter for lunch. Again, this is in the machine, but as with all bread machine recipes, you can just as easily make it in the traditional manner.

12 ounces water, 80 degrees
2 cups bread flour
1 3/4 cups whole wheat flour
3/4 cups oats (old fashioned, not instant)
2 Tbs. dry milk
2 Tbs. packed brown sugar
1 1/2 tsps salt
1 1/2 tsps cinnamon
1 pkg. yeast or 2 tsps rapid rise bread yeast
2 Tbs. butter

1 cup raisins (do not use the "better for baking" raisins; too much moisture)
1/2 cup nuts of your choice (I used walnuts)

Place ingredients, through butter, in bread machine according to manufacturers instructions. Add raisins and nuts when your machine indicates to add. (Mine makes a buzz sound; if yours has no indicator, you can add them at the beginning, but the raisins will be very finely chopped and not as noticeable. Also, if you add in the beginning, place around the top of the ingredients along the edge. If doing as a timer baked bread, be sure raisins do not sink to the bottom as they will become water logged before the process begins, so again, layer lightly around the upper edges.)

Bake on Whole Wheat setting at medium or light. I think the dark setting will make it tough around the edges.
You will not believe how great your kitchen smells while this bread is busy baking! Enjoy!

The magic of a kind gesture!

I met a taxi driver in New Orleans, about a year ago, who really touched my heart. My husband and I traveled there for our third anniversary. I had never been to New Orleans and so my first introduction was post-Katrina. I fell in love with the city, but what really made me love NO is the resilliancy of so many people who have returned to a devastated city, and hit the ground running to see the rebuilding and rejuvination of their beloved home. We went to Preservation Hall and the music reached down deep in my soul. I was tapping and clapping and dancing in place and when the singer of the band that night came through the audience, he grabbed my hand and pulled me along with him and then had others join in with me till we were doing a little snake dance in and out of the crowd. Magic! We had breakfast at Brennan's and for a foodie like me, the Banana's Foster nearly had me clutching the table and refusing to leave until I had tasted everything on the menu. My husband saved the day though, and bought me the cookbook instead! Magic!
And taking the bus tour of the 9th Ward and seeing first hand how far reaching the devastation hit, and the empty slabs standing silent in the grassy weeds, or the still standing washed out houses with the markings of the searchers still stark and visible on paint peeled homes, made us all pause in solemnity. Then turning down muscians row and seeing the new homes built by Habitat for Humanity, their vibrant colors full of life, hope and promise and then the area with the housing being built by Brad Pitt, all "green" and giving ownership through participation in the build on the part of the new owners, gave a sense to the tenacity of a city built with soul, music, food and incredible life full of HOPE! Magic!

We spent our three days enjoying it all, wandering the streets, stopping here and there and celebrating our fortune in finding each other, as well as making the decision to always celebrate our anniversary in NO. But the culminating moment came when we were picked up by a taxi at our hotel to head to the airport. We entered his van, and as we had done with everyone we met, we asked him how he had weathered Katrina. He shared with us how his family lost everything, but NO had been their home for fifteen years, since he moved to the states from Egypt, and they had to come back because it is home. I noticed a hand symbol hanging from his rear view mirror. I asked him about it, and told him I collect hand art so I'm always curious in the meaning of different symbols that I encounter. I had recently seen an "eye" on a necklace that originated in Turkey, and the eye is to ward off evil, I had been told, and this double thumbed hand had an eye, much similar, in the middle of the palm. My taxi driver said the eye symbol was stolen from the Egyptians, that the Turkish stole all ideas from them, (and he laughed heartily) and then told me that the eye within the palm of the hand symbolized the powers of healing, joy, life, and is hung to ward off evil. People use them on entry doors to protect them from the "evil eye." I told him it was beautiful. We chatted a bit more about their life in NO, how it hadn't been easy, but they are happy and all doing well, and that's what matters. We then pulled up to the curb. As we were getting out of the car, he quickly came around and handed me the hand from his car. He said he wanted me to have it and that he had several at home and would acquire more when he returned to Egypt. I was quite overwhelmed that a stranger would do something so unexpected and so I hugged him and thanked him. Magic!

This morning I sat down at my desk and glanced over at the hand. It hangs from my desk lamp as a reminder of a gesture of kindness from a stranger, and though just a trinket of little monetary value, it is a symbol of people who under the very worst of circumstances have survived and thrived, but most importantly are living happy! I will never forget his cheerfulness and kindness. Each of us has burdens we bear and struggles we face, but are we looking for all we have to be grateful for and celebrating the great things instead of bemoaning the bad? Take time to write in your journal about all you have to be grateful for and celebrate those little gestures of kindness offered by others, but most importantly, celebrate the gestures of kindness you can offer others. I puzzled over why he might have shared this hand with me, and I think possibly it might have been I touched him as well by caring enough to simply ask about how he had survived. We all have the power to reach out to others. Touch someone's life today!

It's okay!

I want to share with you an experience I had last night. I had Netflixed the movie Wit, an HBO production, starring Emma Thompson. The description said the movie was about an English professor, dealing with health issues, namely that she has ovarian cancer. I cozied up with my glass of wine and started the movie, knowing it might be a tear jerker, but then I never shy away from these. Starting with her diagnosis from a matter-of-fact, but obviously caring doctor, the movie then moves onto the indignities she faces as she is shuffled from one place to the other in the hospital and the disregard for her as an individual. There is a bit of "wit" interlaced throughout, but then about thirty minutes in, she is talking to the camera explaining her feelings (a device used on and off throughout) when she doubles over and throws up into a bedpan due to the effects of the chemo. I unexpectedly burst into tears and could not watch not one more second of the movie. I turned it off.

And this is what I want to share with you about this experience. You see, in 2003 I moved to Ruidoso, NM where I met the four most incredible girl friends I have ever had in my life. We did something together at least once a week and talked on the phone in-between. Not long after I moved to TN in 2006, Kelly was diagnosed with a squamous cell cancer, (you might recognize this as the same cancer Farrah Fawcett had) and the outlook was not good. Living so far away, I did not get to see her much, nor be there to help out, but three weeks before she died, I flew in and saw her for the last time. She was such a great person, beautiful inside and out, loved by so many, and incredibly talented. She was an OB/Gyn nurse practitioner, a person who helped others, and now needed the help of others. She lost her battle in November of 2008.

This movie just hit me square in the face with the reality of what Kelly had faced, the pain she went through, and that none of us could keep the pain from her. I immediately called one of the girls to share what had happened because we are friends, because I know we will talk and laugh and cheer each other up and because I want my girlfriends to always know, that no matter how far away I might be, I love them and miss them and cherish our friendship.

This morning then, thinking about last night, I was reminded of how after my divorce I would watch romantic movies and cry all the way through, but never turned off the pain. I would wish for that sappy, seemingly perfect movie relationship, and feel sorry for myself and when it was over have a really good cry. And you know, I think that's okay. You are going to have moments where you just need that good cry, to mourn the loss of the relationship, and to just feel that release. The most important thing though to remember is this: reach out to those who can help you, to the friends who will cheer you up and cheer you on. And don't call the friend who has to crucify your ex, you don't need to go down that negative highway, you just need someone to listen and then laugh with you and tell you it's okay. That's what Suzanne did for me last night. She told me, it's okay, and sometimes we all just need to hear it.

Take time this week to write about the sorrow when it hits and about the friends or family you can rely on to not join your pity party, but to cheer you out of it! Choosing happiness is easier when you choose happy friends, and especially down the road when you choose a new partner.

Joy!

I am the owner of a Black Lab/German Short haired Pointer mix named Holley. She is a rescue dog who entered our lives on New Year's Eve 2008.  Holley had been hit by a car when they found her, however, she eluded capture for three weeks. A veterinarian fixed her up and then she stayed with the rescue group for four months while she healed before she was put up for adoption . My husband then ran across her in a google search, hunting for a dog to keep me company when he is on the road and thus she showed up at our house on New Year's Eve, and because the woman who brought her told us that it was determined she was one year old, we designated that day as her first birthday. She has come a long way from the skittish, scared of her own shadow dog that arrived that day, and she has become a much loved part of the family.

Now the reason I tell you about her is this: Holley loves to run. Her enthusiasm is overwhelming actually. If I go into the bedroom for anything, she follows me down the hall in hope that I am changing clothes to go for a run. Once I do change, she is so excited that I can hardly lace up my shoes and get out the door. Then she wiggles and squirms and runs in circles until I tell her to sit and put on the leash, then she takes off like a shot to the end of her retractable leash, jumping for joy. I watch her some days and have often remarked to Steve how great it would be if we could all have the joy of a dog, the pure simple joy of putting your whole heart and soul into something you love! But this is the thing, we can have that joy. We can have that excitement in our lives if we just remember that all we have is right now, this moment! Regardless of the trials and tribulations we face, we just have right now to live and so even when you are carrying a heavy burden, if you remember to celebrate the little moments, the small joys that occur throughout the day, it won't seem so difficult. We all have problems, we all have heartache and pain, but we can all have moments of joy too. Take time to enjoy. Write about at least one little joy at the end of each day! Choose Happiness!
Carpe Diem! (Seize the day!)

Ricotta Cheese Bread

I grew up, like most of my generation, on store bought sandwich sliced white bread. My mom did, however, make Parker House rolls from time to time, and an occassional sweet bread. I loved the smell of bread baking in the oven, and even more, loved the taste of a hot roll with butter! (Though, I'm pretty sure we ate margarine in our home.) As an adult entering the grocery buying world, and being the beginning of the "health food" craze, I discovered there was a world of difference between white bread (I soon dubbed "killer" bread) and wheat bread, and switched instantly to wheat sandwich bread. Those breads have come a long way now, and you actually can find fairly healthy bread in the stores, but there is nothing like the smell and taste of homemade bread, slathered with REAL butter! Though the recipe I'm sharing with you is not whole wheat (I am experimenting to find one for the bread machine; it's tricky) and not as healthy as I might prefer, it is delicious. Baking bread will definitely bring some happy faces into the kitchen and is a great way to treat your family or yourself. (Just a side note: slathering with butter is NOT healthy, so occassional is a good word to remember here!)

So as promised, I will post one new recipe each week. My friend Betty requested this recipe for Ricotta Cheese Bread after I posted on Facebook that I had just taken it out of the pan. Though I created this for my bread machine, you can make it regardless of whether you have one or not by simply mixing the ingredients together, kneading your dough, letting it rise until double in size, punch it down, place in loaf pan and allow to rise again, then bake at 350 degrees for approximately 40 mins. (this is a small loaf, so that will be my best guess for time) or until golden brown. Bread machines are fairly inexpensive these days and if you like homemade, no preservative bread, then it is a great investment. It is also an investment in yourself, as it definitely will save you time. Buy one with a timer so you can walk in from a long day and smell your bread nearly finished and ready to eat! 

Ricotta Cheese Bread

1/4 c. milk
3/4 c. ricotta cheese (part-skim is what I used)
1 egg
2 1/4 c. unbleached flour
2 Tbs. sugar
1/2 tsp salt
1 pkg or 2 tsps yeast
4 tsps butter

Place milk and cheese in a microwave proof cup and heat to 80 degrees. (This will only take about 20 seconds on high or one minute on half power) It should feel just slightly warm.

Pour into machine; add egg; measure in flour, sugar and salt; make a small indention in the center and add yeast; place one tsp of butter in the four corners of the pan. Follow manufacturers directions for one pound loaf. On mine, I set it to medium color and used the sweet bread setting. This is a fairly light bread, but oh so tasty! Enjoy!

You can become a fan of Choosing Happiness After Divorce by clicking on the Facebook button in the right hand column of the blog!

Pink Power Ranger Day

This day comes but once a year, and in our family it is linked to two boys, now men, cousins who share the same birthday. My oldest son, Shawn, is thirty years old today. He came into the world thirteen hours after labor began, 9 lbs even and 22 inches long, with broad shoulders as painful to deliver as was his head! But what joy he brought into my life with that first cry. And what a great time I have always had being a mom, because no matter what else life hurls at me, my three sons can make me laugh harder than any other people I know and bring me joy by just knowing their presence is in the world. They are good men each one of them. As for the other birthday boy, on Shawn's ninth birthday, his cousin Forest decided it would be a good day to be born, and with great pains and labor, he came into the world at 10 lbs 10 ounces. I had promised Shawn if Forest was born on his birthday, I would be sure and call the school so someone could tell him. When I picked him up that afternoon the excitement was evident as he had been very proud to have the announcement made in his class that his cousin had arrived. But now you may be wondering, how did this become Pink Power Ranger day? Isn't the Pink Power Ranger a girl?

The Power Rangers were a force to be reckoned with while these boys were growing up. By the time Forest was old enough to watch the show, his cousin was growing beyond it and so when they would get together, Forest always told Shawn he was the Pink Power Ranger. Shawn, being the good sport that he was, and ever the "oldest brother" took it in stride and in turn teased Forest that he was the Pink Power Ranger. Well, somehow, as family teasing goes, and traditions begin the two became known as the Pink Power Rangers, and though separated by two hundred miles, they would call and wish each other happy birthday every year from one Pink Power Ranger to the other. My sister went so far as to make them a Pink Power Ranger cake one year when we were able to get them together for their birthday. And so it goes. The day has stuck and even my sister and I wish each other a Happy Pink Power Ranger day each year in honor of their birthdays.

These small family traditions, the funny sayings and silly happenings that define our families, are sources of happiness. Though with divorce, some traditions may fall by the wayside because they had been shared with you and your ex, take the time, nonetheless, to nurture the small traditions for your kids. Find the joyful moments and allow them to create new ones. Encourage their laughter, their fun, because childhood is so short and divorce is so serious, but it need not define their lives, any more than it should define yours. Take time to write in your journal some of the traditions you and your children might already have and think of ways to encourage their light hearted fun. Happy Pink Power Ranger day to you and yours!

It's the little things

This week, I have been getting back into my exercise routine of a walk/run six days a week and at least three days of some yoga. I had neglected myself greatly through the holidays, and then directly after the holidays, we had a cold spell here that was actually too cold for outdoor activity. And because our house is not built for that kind of cold, I had trouble even making myself unbundle enough from my warm clothes to go through a yoga sequence. So this week, as the sun returned and the temperature came back to normal, I was out on the road with my dog and stretching and breathing through the downward dog and cobra. Needless to say, I have been a bit sore and just as evening came on, I was sinking into a hot bath with a glass of wine by my side. And this is when I realized, there is nothing like a hot bath, something that I have only truly come to enjoy over the last five years or so, as I have always been a fan of the shower. I started thinking about the joy such a small pleasure can provide; I also thought about how fortunate I am to even be able to have such a luxury, as I read all week about the devastation the people of Haiti are experiencing.

I have spent some time this week counting my blessings, taking pleasure in the small things that life has to offer. Regardless of our personal circumstances, the hardships of divorce, of single parenting, of being lonely or perhaps any other difficulty you may be facing, we have so much to be thankful for in this country, in the "ease" of our lives every day. Take some time this week to appreciate something small, like a hotbath, and again realize, happiness is yours if you just choose it. Writing in your journal each day one small thing to be thankful for or something which makes you smile, can help you realize it is the little things that matter most at times. And it is the little things that buoy us up, contributing to a fulfilling happy life.

Choose Happiness!

Chocolate chip and oat scones

Those of you have the book, Choosing Happiness After Divorce,  know that each chapter includes a recipe. I have decided I should start including at least one recipe a week in the blog to encourage you to take time for yourself and your family, or friends, to cook or bake and sit down together to enjoy each other's company and conversation. So here's my first recipe.

During the summer when fresh fruits and vegetables abound it is easy to stay on the healthy straight and narrow, but once the cold long days of winter set in, I start craving the carbs like cookies, cakes and homemade breads. Today my Scottish heritage kicked into gear and oat scones were calling my name! I did some sleuthing around and eventually put together a recipe that was delicious, and with the oats, at least a little bit nutritious; however, I could not resist adding mini chocolate chips, instead of the traditional currents.

Chocolate Chip Oat Scones

1 1/2 c. unbleached flour
1/4 c. turbinado sugar (marketed as Sugar in the Raw)
1 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 c. cold butter (1 stick)
1 c. old fashioned oats
zest of 1 orange (I did not have an orange, but used a clementine instead)
1/2 c. buttermilk
2 Tbs. turbinado sugar
1/2 c. mini chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Spray a cookie sheet with non-stick cooking spray or use a piece of parchement paper to keep scones from sticking.

Place butter in bottom of large bowl. Measure flour, 1/2 c. turbinado (you can substitute this sugar with light brown sugar), baking powder, and baking soda into bowl. Using a pastry blender, cut the butter into the flour mixture until it is well incorporated and in small bits. Add the oats and zest; mix in with the pastry blender; add the chocolate chips and stir into the mixture with a fork. Add the buttermilk and mix quickly with a fork until buttermilk is distributed, but do not over mix. Use hands to form into a ball. It will seem dry at first, but squeeze it together and it will take shape. Pat dough into a 7 inch circle. Cut into 8 wedges. Arrange on cookie sheet, leaving room in between each scone. Sprinkle with the rest of the turbinado sugar or any coarse grain sugar. Bake for 12 to 15 minutes.

Makes 8 scones. Serve with hot tea. And should you happen to have some clotted cream around you could always serve with a dollop or so. Enjoy!