The Importance of Friendship and Community

After divorce, one of the toughest aspects is the feeling that you are all alone now. You have lost that person who was there each day and helped in someway to make the day's burden lighter. And even in a marriage where you might have been lonely and didn't receive much assistance in the day to day routine, because this can certainly be the case, there is still a profound sense of loneliness when you find yourself truly living on your own. However, guard yourself from allowing your heart to go in search of someone to fill up that emptiness you may feel at this time because you are not prepared to make that decision at this point. Another partner cannot fix things. So what do you do?

In Ecclesiastes 4: 10-12 Solomon talks about the importance of not being alone. The NLT version states: "If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble. And on a cold night, two under the same blanket can gain warmth from each other. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." I have always loved these verses, but after divorce, who are you going to stand with? Who is going to back you up? Doesn't this mean I should find someone right away? I believe, if you read the entire chapter, what Solomon is saying is don't let your pride get in the way of asking for help. Don't let your pride make you think you can go it all alone, because this is "vanity" in Solomon's words. We need people in our lives and reaching out to friends and family at this most difficult time in your life is important to do and will help hold you up until you are ready to begin searching for another life partner.

One sad aspect of divorce can be the loss of friends and when you just lost your spouse, this is hard to take. Friends leave for lots of different reasons and if yours were all friends based on the marriage, more than likely many of them will dissolve. But please don't despair. This can also be one of the blessings of divorce in opening the door to new friendships, stronger and longer lasting than those from before. My closest friend came after my divorce and I don't think there will be anything that parts us. We both have remarried, and even live all the way across the country from each other, but we are still friends and always will be. We talk on the phone frequently and travel to see each other. She has been one of the greatest blessings to come from my divorce.

I encourage you to lean on others, to seek the friendships and sense of community that will sustain you through this difficult season in life. I had turned away from God during my marriage, a story I will share at another time, but after the divorce, I realized I could not go it alone and turned back to God. It was then that I began to see my friendships blossom with others and once I started attending church again, I found there another group of people to support me with their encouraging words and cheer. My sisters have been an ever present support in my life, but we drew even closer. When I remarried, I was ready because I had filled up the hole in my heart, not with another partner chosen too fast and out of despair, but with God and with the happiness I chose for myself. I moved from New Mexico to Tennessee to be with my new husband. He is my best friend and love of my life, but I know the importance of that third cord too. I have become involved in our church, Hope Presbyterian in Cordova, TN and am now building new friendships as well. In fact, today's blog was inspired by Dr. Eli Morris, one of our pastors who spoke yesterday about relationships. He reminded me of the Ecclesiastes verses, but also said the following:
"Relationships are the place we find...the Challenge we need...the Encouragement we need...the Comfort we need." And isn't this so true? We are not meant to go through life alone.

Take time this week to write in your journal where you might seek out new friendships or how you might reach out to others and ask for help. Don't let your pride keep you from asking when you really need a helping hand. And never doubt the importance of friendship. I will talk about the partner issue again soon, but develop some really great friendships before you go seeking that new partner. Choose Happiness!

It's okay!

I want to share with you an experience I had last night. I had Netflixed the movie Wit, an HBO production, starring Emma Thompson. The description said the movie was about an English professor, dealing with health issues, namely that she has ovarian cancer. I cozied up with my glass of wine and started the movie, knowing it might be a tear jerker, but then I never shy away from these. Starting with her diagnosis from a matter-of-fact, but obviously caring doctor, the movie then moves onto the indignities she faces as she is shuffled from one place to the other in the hospital and the disregard for her as an individual. There is a bit of "wit" interlaced throughout, but then about thirty minutes in, she is talking to the camera explaining her feelings (a device used on and off throughout) when she doubles over and throws up into a bedpan due to the effects of the chemo. I unexpectedly burst into tears and could not watch not one more second of the movie. I turned it off.

And this is what I want to share with you about this experience. You see, in 2003 I moved to Ruidoso, NM where I met the four most incredible girl friends I have ever had in my life. We did something together at least once a week and talked on the phone in-between. Not long after I moved to TN in 2006, Kelly was diagnosed with a squamous cell cancer, (you might recognize this as the same cancer Farrah Fawcett had) and the outlook was not good. Living so far away, I did not get to see her much, nor be there to help out, but three weeks before she died, I flew in and saw her for the last time. She was such a great person, beautiful inside and out, loved by so many, and incredibly talented. She was an OB/Gyn nurse practitioner, a person who helped others, and now needed the help of others. She lost her battle in November of 2008.

This movie just hit me square in the face with the reality of what Kelly had faced, the pain she went through, and that none of us could keep the pain from her. I immediately called one of the girls to share what had happened because we are friends, because I know we will talk and laugh and cheer each other up and because I want my girlfriends to always know, that no matter how far away I might be, I love them and miss them and cherish our friendship.

This morning then, thinking about last night, I was reminded of how after my divorce I would watch romantic movies and cry all the way through, but never turned off the pain. I would wish for that sappy, seemingly perfect movie relationship, and feel sorry for myself and when it was over have a really good cry. And you know, I think that's okay. You are going to have moments where you just need that good cry, to mourn the loss of the relationship, and to just feel that release. The most important thing though to remember is this: reach out to those who can help you, to the friends who will cheer you up and cheer you on. And don't call the friend who has to crucify your ex, you don't need to go down that negative highway, you just need someone to listen and then laugh with you and tell you it's okay. That's what Suzanne did for me last night. She told me, it's okay, and sometimes we all just need to hear it.

Take time this week to write about the sorrow when it hits and about the friends or family you can rely on to not join your pity party, but to cheer you out of it! Choosing happiness is easier when you choose happy friends, and especially down the road when you choose a new partner.

When friendship with an ex is too much

I read a posting in a divorce community today from a woman who stated her ex wants to be "best friends," that he wants no other woman in his life but her, however, has no intention of remarriage or even a committed relationship. She says to add to this, she is depressed and doesn't know what to do. As I read that, my heart just ached for her because she is stuck in limbo, a horrific limbo, of still desperately wanting that relationship and unable to move forward on the slim chance he might change his mind. I'm afraid the likelihood of this ending well is slim. If they were both committed to working on the relationship and moving towards the possibility of remarriage I would tell her to go for it if that's what she wants, but under the circumstances, my guess is he just wants to keep her in a holding pattern until he finds someone else and I can only imagine the heartache that will then occur. Even if he truly just wants to remain "best friends" this is not healthy for either person. While being friendly with your ex is great for everyone involved, especially the kids, going further than that is going to hurt someone more than likely.

Creating distance from your ex is necessary to allow yourself the room to move forward. If there are children involved requiring your continued communication, that's fine, but keep your private life private. And don't worry about the kids, according to resources I've read, and based on my own experience, your children will keep your private life just that without any prodding from either one of you. Just let them be at ease without the directive "don't tell your dad" or "don't tell your mom." This puts a lot of pressure on them and begins the secrets and lies that can and will destroy any relationship. Now that said, if you are on any of the social networking sites out there, remember, if you want to keep something private, don't post it!

Take steps to move forward by seeking new friendships, involving yourself in activities you've always wanted to try, joining an organization you might find interesting or taking a class through an extended learning program. Once you start meeting new friends and actively moving away from your ex, this will make moving forward that much easier. It's not easy to put the past behind, but by taking baby steps in that direction, eventually you will be striding forward with purpose!

Spend some time in your journal writing about interests you might like to explore and how you might meet some new people. I know this can be tough if living in a small town, but even tweaking your relationship circle slightly may result in big changes down the road.

Choose Happiness!