When the ex remarries

I have been on hiatus to New Mexico and Colorado for three weeks and then entertained family and friends for two straight weeks in my home, making this a whirlwind of a summer so far! I am excited to be back in my office writing and finishing up my book! Today I thought I would share with you choosing happiness when your ex remarries. The feelings can be overwhelming when an ex becomes involved with a new person. If this happens soon after a divorce or possibly even during the midst of the divorce it can be devastating, churning up anger, bitterness or even hate, but what I want to encourage you to do is to work hard on putting these feelings behind you as they will only hurt you and your children. There is no ideal time for a person to start a relationship after divorce, as there will be tough emotions no matter when it occurs, but the fact is, the majority of divorced people will seek a new partner at some time or another, and more than likely one or both of you will remarry and statistically the male in a relationship is most likely to remarry within a short period of time after divorce. Mothers play such a crucial role in their children’s lives and your acceptance of an ex’s girlfriend or spouse will make a tremendous difference in the long term for your children. All of us need love in our lives. The more people who love us and we love, the healthier we tend to be. Allowing your children to love their father and his girlfriend or wife is important for their future relationships. You are demonstrating for them that though life doesn’t always turn out perfect, we can learn to adapt and make the best of our lives no matter the circumstances. Allowing them to accept a new female in their lives, not to replace you, but to be another adult who cares for them gives them the ability to be with their father without anxiety and fear, and demonstrates your love and kindness. Children need their fathers. They need to have a relationship based on their own judgments and feelings for him, not yours. If you are forming their opinions for them, they will have difficulty trusting their own opinions of others and this is not healthy for their future relationships. This does not mean that you tell your kids to love and respect their father and then add a “but he is a lousy person” or any other “but” as they need you to assure them that it is okay to love him in their own manner. So your ex really is a lousy person? Then eventually your kids will see it for themselves and have the best relationship they can with him, but this needs to be their relationship, not yours, and it needs to be on their terms, not yours. Too many children are traversing this world without a male figure in their lives. And psychologists see the fallout of this everyday. Having a father, even a not so perfect one, is better for them than none at all. Allow your children to love and be loved. They will be happier and healthier adults for your having done so. My ex remarried this summer and I will tell you, the first time I saw a picture of his new wife and one of my grandkids my heart fluttered a little, but this is what I know, my kids like her, my grandkids like her and she in turns cares for all of them, and what more can I ask for in their lives? How wonderful for them all to have another person to love and be loved by! Stepmoms get a bad rap far too often. One last note in closing: I realize that if true abuse is involved, you will need to seek help from a psychologist and possibly legal help. Do not hesitate if this is the case.

Letting go of hate and anger

Consider for a moment if you will, any feelings of anger or hatred you may have towards your ex. While you may feel justified in your feelings, anger and hatred can and will destroy your life and will greatly effect all with whom you interact. Both of these emotions infect your brain much like a virus, causing you to loose your judgment, to overreact to any situation and to transfer those feelings to others around you. You cannot hate someone and still have a love for others as love and hate cannot coexist under any circumstances. Throughout time all great spiritual leaders and philosophers have warned us of the negative effects of hatred. Hate overpowers your ability to make rational decisions, and to see the difference between right and wrong. When you feel hate bubbling up in your mind, it is important not to let that emotion run rampant in your brain. If possible remove yourself from your immediate surroundings, and take a moment to engage in either meditation, prayer, or just some deep breathing to help release the hate from your mind. Then turn your attention to something that brings you pleasure and concentrate on that image. The next time this occurs, you will become more adept at fighting off the feeling. Don’t let hate define your life. Life is too precious, too short, to let yourself be controlled and destroyed by hate. Take time this week to write in your journal how you will continue to rid your mind of feelings of anger and hate. Also, if you keep having a recurring hateful thought write about it and decide does this make me feel better? Does this thought help me to move forward? Does this thought make me dwell on a past I cannot change or a person I cannot control? You can only control your thoughts, your actions, your life. Live your life free of hate. Choose happiness!