When friendship with an ex is too much

I read a posting in a divorce community today from a woman who stated her ex wants to be "best friends," that he wants no other woman in his life but her, however, has no intention of remarriage or even a committed relationship. She says to add to this, she is depressed and doesn't know what to do. As I read that, my heart just ached for her because she is stuck in limbo, a horrific limbo, of still desperately wanting that relationship and unable to move forward on the slim chance he might change his mind. I'm afraid the likelihood of this ending well is slim. If they were both committed to working on the relationship and moving towards the possibility of remarriage I would tell her to go for it if that's what she wants, but under the circumstances, my guess is he just wants to keep her in a holding pattern until he finds someone else and I can only imagine the heartache that will then occur. Even if he truly just wants to remain "best friends" this is not healthy for either person. While being friendly with your ex is great for everyone involved, especially the kids, going further than that is going to hurt someone more than likely.

Creating distance from your ex is necessary to allow yourself the room to move forward. If there are children involved requiring your continued communication, that's fine, but keep your private life private. And don't worry about the kids, according to resources I've read, and based on my own experience, your children will keep your private life just that without any prodding from either one of you. Just let them be at ease without the directive "don't tell your dad" or "don't tell your mom." This puts a lot of pressure on them and begins the secrets and lies that can and will destroy any relationship. Now that said, if you are on any of the social networking sites out there, remember, if you want to keep something private, don't post it!

Take steps to move forward by seeking new friendships, involving yourself in activities you've always wanted to try, joining an organization you might find interesting or taking a class through an extended learning program. Once you start meeting new friends and actively moving away from your ex, this will make moving forward that much easier. It's not easy to put the past behind, but by taking baby steps in that direction, eventually you will be striding forward with purpose!

Spend some time in your journal writing about interests you might like to explore and how you might meet some new people. I know this can be tough if living in a small town, but even tweaking your relationship circle slightly may result in big changes down the road.

Choose Happiness!

When the ex remarries

I have been on hiatus to New Mexico and Colorado for three weeks and then entertained family and friends for two straight weeks in my home, making this a whirlwind of a summer so far! I am excited to be back in my office writing and finishing up my book! Today I thought I would share with you choosing happiness when your ex remarries. The feelings can be overwhelming when an ex becomes involved with a new person. If this happens soon after a divorce or possibly even during the midst of the divorce it can be devastating, churning up anger, bitterness or even hate, but what I want to encourage you to do is to work hard on putting these feelings behind you as they will only hurt you and your children. There is no ideal time for a person to start a relationship after divorce, as there will be tough emotions no matter when it occurs, but the fact is, the majority of divorced people will seek a new partner at some time or another, and more than likely one or both of you will remarry and statistically the male in a relationship is most likely to remarry within a short period of time after divorce. Mothers play such a crucial role in their children’s lives and your acceptance of an ex’s girlfriend or spouse will make a tremendous difference in the long term for your children. All of us need love in our lives. The more people who love us and we love, the healthier we tend to be. Allowing your children to love their father and his girlfriend or wife is important for their future relationships. You are demonstrating for them that though life doesn’t always turn out perfect, we can learn to adapt and make the best of our lives no matter the circumstances. Allowing them to accept a new female in their lives, not to replace you, but to be another adult who cares for them gives them the ability to be with their father without anxiety and fear, and demonstrates your love and kindness. Children need their fathers. They need to have a relationship based on their own judgments and feelings for him, not yours. If you are forming their opinions for them, they will have difficulty trusting their own opinions of others and this is not healthy for their future relationships. This does not mean that you tell your kids to love and respect their father and then add a “but he is a lousy person” or any other “but” as they need you to assure them that it is okay to love him in their own manner. So your ex really is a lousy person? Then eventually your kids will see it for themselves and have the best relationship they can with him, but this needs to be their relationship, not yours, and it needs to be on their terms, not yours. Too many children are traversing this world without a male figure in their lives. And psychologists see the fallout of this everyday. Having a father, even a not so perfect one, is better for them than none at all. Allow your children to love and be loved. They will be happier and healthier adults for your having done so. My ex remarried this summer and I will tell you, the first time I saw a picture of his new wife and one of my grandkids my heart fluttered a little, but this is what I know, my kids like her, my grandkids like her and she in turns cares for all of them, and what more can I ask for in their lives? How wonderful for them all to have another person to love and be loved by! Stepmoms get a bad rap far too often. One last note in closing: I realize that if true abuse is involved, you will need to seek help from a psychologist and possibly legal help. Do not hesitate if this is the case.