Gearing up

A lot has happened over the last year. My new website is off the ground and running, but because it is primarily about health, I feel like I left my Choosing Happiness friends out in the cold. I am returning to this blog and will be posting every Monday. I am adding posts about remarriage after divorce as well so look for this addition. I look forward, as always, to your comments and hope you will join me here each Monday for a Choosing Happiness message. Find me also at www.janeannthompson.com, which will be coming soon with a totally new layout and indexed recipes. Have a great weekend and I'll see you Monday!

She Speaks

What a beautiful morning! I am in Concord, North Carolina to attend the She Speaks Conference (www.shespeaks.com) held by Proverbs 31 Ministries (www.proverbs31.org) This has been a goal of mine ever since I heard about this conference two years ago, and now I am finally here. I will be attending a pre-conference this morning to learn about marketing my blog and book (desperately need this help) and also I will be part of a speaking evaluation group to help build my speaking platform. I feel blessed to be here and to be supported and encouraged by my sweet husband who is my number one supporter! So I am exuding happiness today and going to enjoy each and every moment of this experience. The great thing is though, we can all value and enjoy even the smallest moments in our lives. Attending a conference like this is a dream come true, but my life is a dream come true because I am living and enjoying even the smallest blessings. I encourage you today to think about your smallest blessing and write about what this means to you and why you are blessed in this way. I talk a lot about my garden in my blog because I feel so enriched by each growing and living thing I help come up out of the ground and produce. Yes, maybe a small thing, but important nonetheless. I'm sure you have some of these simple blessings too. I hope you will take time to write them in your journal and reflect on the beauty and joy in your life. Choose happiness!

Dating

I recently spoke to the Single's Community at Hope Presbyterian and dating after divorce is always part of my message and always a question that comes up at the end. I always encourage people to date someone for two years before they commit to remarriage, but I am so often surprised by the reaction this receives. "Two years? Isn't that a long time?" My question in return then is, "What's two years compared to another divorce and the heartache that entails?" The reason I recommend two years is that anyone can be on their best behavior for a year, managing anger or control issues or any number of difficulties, but in the second year, as a couple moves into the comfort zone, that is when any real issues are going to surface, the "mask" comes off and the skeletons come out of the closet! On the other hand, if both parties are being honest and open with each other, the second year is when you move into the comfort zone of deeper commitment and understanding, bringing you closer together before you make the final move to marriage. However, this is only going to be true if you are actively and consciously considering what you want in your next relationship!

Attorneys will tell you 9 times out of 10 they will see the same person for their second divorce because their client has married someone just like their first spouse. Dating for two years isn't going to make a difference if you are not willing to do the work it takes to break from the familiar and seek what is best. In other words, you have to take action to make a different choice. I knew from my first marriage I did not want to fall into a relationship with a controlling or jealous man. I had been there and knew this had been the slow poison that sucked the life out of our marriage. When I went on a date with a man, one date, who became jealous and angry over a funny comment I made, I told him goodbye, that he was not the man for me. I knew then I had broken the barrier, that I was going to be able to make a better choice because I could really SEE what I didn't want and call it out. I didn't just miraculously arrive at this ability, I worked hard to get there. I wrote daily in my journal about what I wanted in my next relationship, what I wanted to bring to the relationship and what I wanted someone else to bring as well. I made lists of character traits and qualities, wrote about morals and values, and what I hoped to have in common. And then when I did begin to date a man that tentatively fit my description, over the course of the two years we dated, I realized as he revealed himself to me, that he definitely was the man I had been writing about. We have now been married for four and a half years and not a day goes by that I am not thankful for the blessing of a good man who loves me and adores me and whom I love with all my heart.

I encourage you to take the time to do the same. Don't let your heart  overrule your head and fall into a relationship based on emotion. Emotions are fleeting, but thinking and working on what you want and need is the path to a great relationship. Write and write and write in your journal about the qualities you want in a new spouse, but also write about what you want to bring to that relationship. It's not about finding the perfect other, it's about growing yourself and a relationship into a constantly forward moving connection! Choose to take an active part in forming a great relationship and choose happiness!

Tomato sweet and easy!

One of my firm beliefs is that we all need to eat healthier. We live in busy times, but our health is so important and taking care of our health is vital to our happiness.  As a child, I remember well my mother's fondness of tomatoes, but especially of those ripe juicy off the vine summer tomatoes that store bought can't compete with, so this is in honor of her. Today I am sharing an easy salad to have along side  a sandwich or with an evening meal. Enjoy!

Slice a ripe tomato into 1/4-1/2 inch slices
sprinkle with kosher salt
cut 4 basil leaves into thin slices (kitchen shears work the best, but can be accomplished with a knife)
grate 1/2 ounce of mozzarella cheese over tops
sprinkle with the cut basil
drizzle with olive oil

Simple! Delicious! Healthy!

Graduation

There is inevitable joy in a graduation ceremony and last night was no exception. I love the sense that life is just beginning for these high school graduates; there is such hope and excitement in what lies ahead for them. Watching my many students over the years walk across similar stages I always feel the frustrations, the upsets, the exhaustion of the end of the year, fade into the background, replaced with the memories of the aha moments, the class discussion that sparked a withdrawn student, the kindness observed between two in the halls or the reassurance from a student when no one else was around that he or she really liked my class. These are the moments that keep a teacher returning year after year to a classroom.

So what does this have to do with choosing happiness after divorce? Well, as I thought about all of this last night, I realized the end of a marriage is somewhat like a graduation. Something fraught with all emotions has come to an end and just like my seniors graduating with all the choices they must now face, we also have many decisions to make. We can be like those who go on to successful lives by thinking positively and taking an active part in their growth, or we can be like the students who never quite understand that they must take responsibility for themselves and make their life their own. Though divorce is stressful and hurtful and difficult, each of us has to choose how we are going to face this new season in life, and whether or not we will be happy. 

Take time to write in your journal, keeping in mind the idea of "graduation," and write what your plans for the future might be. There are endless opportunities in front of you if you open your eyes and your mind to all of that which you can conceive. Choose happiness!

Tis the season!

Ah, Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year! At least it can be, but for those just going through a divorce or in the aftermath of divorce, this can be the toughest time of the year. There is no way to sugarcoat the feelings you may be experiencing so you will have to find a way to deal with what may seem a very dark time. If you have children, then it becomes even that much more imperative. Their lives have been turned upside down, so helping them adjust and still find the Christmas spirit is important.

The temptation to not decorate may be great, but if you have always decorated for the holiday, then you must do it for yourself and for the children. One year, not long after my divorce, I was going to be out of town for much of the holiday season, but decided I still had to do something to give my home that Christmas feeling, so I decorated the hall tree with lights and stockings and greenery! It was beautiful and kept my spirits up until I could leave to be with friends and family.

Following a divorce, there may certainly be financial constraints. Turning this into a tirade about the other parent and how divorce has affected the finances is not healthy for anyone, so think of ways to put a positive spin on the situation. Maybe this year everyone has to make something for each other; or maybe you give gifts of service to each other. We all at times can get too caught up in the material world of Christmas, but finding creative ways to deal with the situation can make this the best time and give everyone the most fun they have experienced. In my book I talk about creating new rituals around the holiday. Everything has changed, and pretending that it hasn't won't make the changes go away, so come up with some new rituals to incorporate around the old rituals that may have become difficult to undertake or complete with your new situation.

If this is the first Christmas since the divorce, you will more than likely be splitting time with your children. This can be the toughest aspect, but preparing ahead by making plans on how to spend your time while the children are with their other parent is important. If you have other friends in your situation, make plans together. Maybe dinner in someone's home, or maybe a movie day. If you would rather be alone, that's fine too, as long as you have a plan for how to spend the day. It is too easy to get weepy and feel sorry for yourself if you are home alone with nothing to do but watch television, so clean out the attic, or your closet, maybe the garage, or read, bake for someone, work on a project you have been putting off, but no sad movies! Volunteering at a shelter or giving back to others is always a great way to lift your spirits and those of others.

Choosing happiness during the holidays may be tough, but with some creative planning and positive attitude, you may find this to be one of your happiest Christmas's ever!

Spend time in your journal this week planning and preparing for the holidays. What can you do to keep your spirits up? Which friends and family will help support and lift you up? Write about the feelings you have and then remember all you have to be grateful for this time of year and all year!

Choosing Happiness After Divorce to air on KENW-TV

Quick update on program I filmed at KENW-TV a public television station located on the campus of Eastern New Mexico University campus in Portales, New Mexico. The show, Choosing Happiness After Divorce, will air Monday, November 30 at 10:30 a.m. on 3-1 (HD), Tuesday, December 1 at 8:30 p.m. on regular cable 3 and 3-2 and again on Sunday, December 6 at 2:30 p.m. again on regular cable. They are hoping to go national with this program during the March pledge drive. Ask your local public television station to carry this program.

I discuss seven keys to happiness and how following the information in my book can help you to choose happiness each day in your life. We had a live audience and a great response to the program. I hope you will watch if you are in the Portales area and if not, call or email your local station and ask them to carry this program!

I have been slow on updating my blog lately. I have been on the road so much and have become a bit discouraged about whether I'm reaching others, but I have decided that maybe I have been looking at this wrong and that if I want followers I will need to just write and they will come! Right?

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! I have been enjoying the thanksgiving of a new grandson in our lives, as well as my other three grandchildren and my sons and their wives. Life is incredibly good, and being able to spend this holiday with them has been wonderful!

So watch for my new more frequent postings and I hope you will let me know what brings happiness to your life!