Avoid Martyrdom!

I just returned from a trip in which I visited the town of Annonay, France. There is not much of significance in this town anymore, but I took the walking tour, following the map provided by the tourism office. I came upon the Tour des Martyrs, seen in this picture, and have tried to find out the history on the tower, to no avail. I am curious as to who the martyrs were and if they were imprisoned in the tower, or took refuge here.

In modern times, we use the word martyr to indicate someone who considers themselves a victim. Taking on victim status can be pretty easy after divorce, however, being a victim is not going to serve one well for very long. Being a victim essentially locks you in a tower of your own making, one friends will quickly desert and grow tired of, one that will keep you from moving forward in your life, and is certainly not going to include happiness.

If you are feeling like a victim for any reason, it's time to stop the pity party and start counting all for which you can be grateful. It is natural to go through a feeling sorry for yourself stage after divorce, but staying there is not going to benefit you are your children. Move on. Decide to make a new life for yourself and make it great. You only live once, so what's your life going to be? Martyr or Life Maker?

Tips for leaving the pity party: Spend time every day writing down a few things for which you are grateful. Inspire yourself by reading about someone who has faced incredible adversity. I just read the book, Breaking Night: A Memoir of Forgiveness, Survival and My Journey from Homeless to Harvard, by Liz Murray and believe me, when you read this young woman's story, I think you will see how great your life really is and can be!

Peace and joy!

Summer Travel

My Air Force father kept us on the move throughout my childhood, which I believe led to my sense of adventure and love for travel. Each new town brought new friends, new scenery, and new challenges, some good, some not so great, but that life style formed my ability to go with the flow (most of the time) and to easily make friends. I never felt disadvantaged by having to pick up and move. As an adult, however, I found myself in the same small town for 24 years, with one three year detour up the road 30 miles. I enjoyed raising my boys in one place. They are still friends with some of their kindergarten playmates, a luxury I never experienced. I did introduce them to the world though, through books, movies, and some travel, but I'm not sure any of them have the same love for the road that their mom does!

If you are able to travel, even if only short trips in your home state, take your kids on a road trip now and then. Allow them to plan the trip with you and to map out the route. If you enjoy camping, don't be afraid to go it alone with the kids, just pick safe spots where you know you are fairly well protected, such as KOA campgrounds or National Forest campgrounds. Most of these close the gates at 10:00 p.m. and have enough other campers in close proximity to keep you from feeling isolated from help should you need it. Camping not for you? Try an overnight trip to a hotel with a pool. My sons loved to take the two hour trip to Lubbock, TX to stay in an Embassy Suites that had a pool. And if you are unable to travel anywhere at all this summer, then take yourself and the kids to your public library and pick out books on the countries you would like to visit. Be sure and find books with lots of pictures and spend some time sharing with each other adventures you would like to have. Keep your mind and your kids open to the world around you. Helping them to understand that there is a big world out there will keep them open to all the possibilities that lie before them. Children become hopeless when they have no sense of a future and of course adults can feel that same hopelessness too, so I encourage you to travel this summer whether by car or plane or virtual, just get outside your routine world and go for something new. And if you have no kids at home, don't be afraid to travel alone. I learned a lot about myself during the years I made trips alone. I enjoyed the sense of quiet and peace that allowed me to think deeply and make decisions. Take some books, your journal, and a sense of adventure. Life is short. Enjoy and choose to be happy!

Art Projects

Well, I created a masterpiece of art, and ran off and left it at my cousin's house. She is sending back to me, so I will post a picture at a later date. We had a great time with our little pieces of art which I wrote about in my last post, and though hard to imagine how the process would work, when we got right down to painting the work was quick. I hope you have spent some time choosing some kind of art in which you would like to engage. There are so many fun projects to attempt, so many ideas in magazines, on line, in stores, that any one of us should be able to come up with some kind of art project at any given moment and the great thing about doing so is the fun you will encounter. If you have kids out of school for the summer, finding some simple art projects for them to do when you all come home at the end of the day can give everyone a moment to reconnect and relax. Sitting down to do something creative together can bring about conversations that might never occur otherwise as everyone flies about in their own little world. Yes, even teens can be encouraged to join in on an art project. I hope you will give this a try. I'd love to hear from any of you who give this a go. Write and let me know what you created. You just might be the inspiration someone else needs. Choose happiness by taking action!

Breast Painting!

I have escaped the heat of Memphis to Warrensburg, MO, on a road trip across the mid-states to Colorado with the final destination being Albuquerque, NM. My younger sister and I are visiting our cousin here in Warrensburg and having a great time catching up, seeing her incredible art (you can view at: www.teresadirks.com) and making our own art. After moving across the state to this beautiful city, she got involved with a fund raiser for breast cancer in which women are painting with their breasts. That's right, their breasts! We have viewed a few of the pieces and today will be making our own. We have painted the background canvas and will later today finish our paintings. I'll fill you in later on the experience! This morning our conversation centered around creative arts and how as a society we have somewhat lost our creative urges and buried them beneath television and busyness. When you think back on generations past they spent their evenings sewing or painting, making instruments or furniture, painting or playing instruments. Evenings were a time to visit with one another and often times revolved around just such projects as these. In my book, Choosing Happiness After Divorce, I talk about the importance of finding projects to creatively engage your mind as this helps us get outside ourselves and explore new ideas and have fun. If you haven't tried any kind of art project in awhile, why not give one a go? Even if you just grab some crayons and color, you might be surprised how stress relieving it feels! In your journal, make a list of art projects you would like to try and don't forget about using "found" objects around the house or bought inexpensively at a garage sale or flea market. Take some time for you and even if you can't give up your television time, try some art while watching! Choose happiness!

Change

June  2nd! Where did the last month and a half go? Sorry I have been away so long, but taking on a teaching job again took some adjustment! I have found being back in the classroom energizing and fun. I didn't expect to find myself teaching again, however, the challenge has made me think that much more about choosing happiness. When faced with changes, they can often feel overwhelming, but deciding to make the best of changes is what leads us to still choose happiness. No matter the season you find yourself in, no matter the circumstances, you can still be happy. I encourage you to look at all the changes that have occurred in your life and look for what you learned from them, or how you were affected. Make a vow to yourself that if you have not accepted change well in the past, that any future changes will be different. Take time to really think through and write about even the smallest positive that resulted from change in your life. When you start looking for the positive, you will see more positive. A friend once gave me a card which said on the front, "Bloom where you are planted!" and I kept it posted next to my mirror for many years to remind myself to live my best each and every day. Are you blooming where you have been planted? Are you making the best of whatever your situation? Take the time to write in your journal and think this through. I need to take my own advice today as I have fallen short on my writing lately and I know how much this helps when thinking through our day to day challenges. Choose happiness today and meet change head on!

Book update

I am in the process of finishing my book, Choosing Happiness After Divorce: A Woman’s 52 Week Guide to Living a Positive Life. I am completing the final edit and working with my book designer on the cover and the design of the book itself. I have been surprised about what all goes into seeing a book move from conception to seeing it printed and holding the book in my hands. But what a great experience this has been! I have had a great time thinking, reading and writing, and though a lonely occupation at times, I have loved every minute! I look for it to be in print by October, though hoping for an earlier print date. This has been an amazing process from start to almost finished and so gratifying to see a goal I have had for most of my life finally coming to fruition. My life has changed drastically since my own divorce almost ten years ago. I have grown in a thousand different ways and all because I chose to be happy. I attribute this entire project to understanding somewhere deep inside myself that I could not, would not, stop living and from this, I want to share my journey and what I have learned with other women struggling to move forward. Take some time to write in your journal about where you are right now in the process of choosing happiness. Assessing your life now and then is a great way to see if you are diverting from the path to happiness and heading down the dark road to negativity. Happiness is a choice!

A little activity is good for the brain!

Imagine my happiness when I ran across this little factoid, “a daily tipple and gardening boost longevity.” Being I enjoy my glass of wine and putter around in my garden most every day, not necessarily at the same time though, I figure I’m putting up a defense against dementia and increasing my lifespan exponentially. What a great bit of research. And this did have me thinking about choosing happiness and the importance of finding activities that you enjoy and at the same time are healthy. I couldn’t wait for spring this year, to plant my first garden in five years. After having spent three years on a mountain that could not sustain much other than pine trees and a Rosemary bush, and then spent two summers traveling extensively, when I realized I could finally support a garden again I dug out my gloves and headed to the garden store. It has been a great source of fun for me this summer, even though I have had to share with too many squirrels, but I have herbs galore and nine different varieties of tomatoes, zucchini and eggplant, jalapenos and chili plants too. When I go to the garden and pull weeds or pick my harvest, I find such peace in my head and in my soul. There is something so gratifying about seeing your hard work bear fruit and likewise, when you choose to work at being happy, and the results of your hard work start showing up in your day to day life, there will be great satisfaction. I encourage you this week to think about healthy activities you might enjoy. Choose something that will get you up and moving, out of the house, taking advantage of the longer hours of sunshine available in the summer. Even sitting outside in the shade of a tree reading or thinking is good for the soul. Take some time this week and write in your journal a list of activities you might like to try. Find a friend or go it alone, but choose to be active and keep that brain working and that body moving! Choose to actively be happy! (the above mentioned article can be found at: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Health/Daily_tipple_gardening_boost_longevity/articleshow/3823902.cms)

When the ex remarries

I have been on hiatus to New Mexico and Colorado for three weeks and then entertained family and friends for two straight weeks in my home, making this a whirlwind of a summer so far! I am excited to be back in my office writing and finishing up my book! Today I thought I would share with you choosing happiness when your ex remarries. The feelings can be overwhelming when an ex becomes involved with a new person. If this happens soon after a divorce or possibly even during the midst of the divorce it can be devastating, churning up anger, bitterness or even hate, but what I want to encourage you to do is to work hard on putting these feelings behind you as they will only hurt you and your children. There is no ideal time for a person to start a relationship after divorce, as there will be tough emotions no matter when it occurs, but the fact is, the majority of divorced people will seek a new partner at some time or another, and more than likely one or both of you will remarry and statistically the male in a relationship is most likely to remarry within a short period of time after divorce. Mothers play such a crucial role in their children’s lives and your acceptance of an ex’s girlfriend or spouse will make a tremendous difference in the long term for your children. All of us need love in our lives. The more people who love us and we love, the healthier we tend to be. Allowing your children to love their father and his girlfriend or wife is important for their future relationships. You are demonstrating for them that though life doesn’t always turn out perfect, we can learn to adapt and make the best of our lives no matter the circumstances. Allowing them to accept a new female in their lives, not to replace you, but to be another adult who cares for them gives them the ability to be with their father without anxiety and fear, and demonstrates your love and kindness. Children need their fathers. They need to have a relationship based on their own judgments and feelings for him, not yours. If you are forming their opinions for them, they will have difficulty trusting their own opinions of others and this is not healthy for their future relationships. This does not mean that you tell your kids to love and respect their father and then add a “but he is a lousy person” or any other “but” as they need you to assure them that it is okay to love him in their own manner. So your ex really is a lousy person? Then eventually your kids will see it for themselves and have the best relationship they can with him, but this needs to be their relationship, not yours, and it needs to be on their terms, not yours. Too many children are traversing this world without a male figure in their lives. And psychologists see the fallout of this everyday. Having a father, even a not so perfect one, is better for them than none at all. Allow your children to love and be loved. They will be happier and healthier adults for your having done so. My ex remarried this summer and I will tell you, the first time I saw a picture of his new wife and one of my grandkids my heart fluttered a little, but this is what I know, my kids like her, my grandkids like her and she in turns cares for all of them, and what more can I ask for in their lives? How wonderful for them all to have another person to love and be loved by! Stepmoms get a bad rap far too often. One last note in closing: I realize that if true abuse is involved, you will need to seek help from a psychologist and possibly legal help. Do not hesitate if this is the case.

Desperately Seeking Someone

Dating soon after divorce can be a great self esteem boost; however, you are vulnerable at this juncture and the importance in protecting your heart and using your head cannot be stressed enough. The attention someone new offers will be fun and give your spirits a lift. You will probably get that excited feeling in the pit of your stomach and a racing heart at this new love interest and that can feel good and be enticing. The important thing to understand at this point though is the need to take your time and not rush into anything serious right away. If you have been married for any number of years, you need time to discover who you are again; time to think about your needs and desires and time to discover what you want in a new partner. Taking time to assess what happened in the marriage you just left is important. Was your spouse abusive, critical, controlling, or unfaithful? What prompted you to choose this person? Or were one or other of you simply unhappy and so you left the marriage? Taking time to look back at your marriage and learn from your mistakes will help strengthen your chances of having a successful subsequent marriage or relationship. If there was any sort of abuse involved, you need to strongly consider why you chose this person. Do not allow yourself to be a victim. Take responsibility for having entered the first relationship and deciding why you did, so that you can avoid making a similar choice again. Let me strongly state, I am not saying abuse is okay or excusable, I am saying though, that you chose to marry a person who ended up abusing you, don’t let that happen again and you are the only one who can prevent this. Additionally, understanding that no one can make you happy is an important part of marriage. Taking time to learn how to be happy for yourself now, will make a second marriage more likely to be successful. Only you can make yourself happy. Having been married to a controlling person the first time, I knew I did not want to experience that again. When I had a date with a man who became possessive soon after and made a snide remark about my having been out with friends, I cannot tell you the joy I experienced in my heart when I was able to tell him firmly and with no regrets that I had been in a controlling and possessive relationship once and intended not to do it again. I said goodbye and that was that. I had learned, you cannot change someone’s behavior, you cannot make someone who is controlling or possessive give up those traits, you just have to know that you will not tolerate them and move on. The same with abuse, you must learn, what are the signs of an abusive person and then you must be alert to any sign of this in a new love interest. And for happiness, you must learn how to be happy in you! Dating can be great fun, but take your time. If the relationship becomes serious, give it a couple of years to meld. Anyone can be on their best behavior for a year, it is usually during the second year that if there is going to be personality conflicts that they will show up. Have fun, but use your head and keep your heart guarded until you have time to decide what you want for your future. Write in your journal what you hope to find in a new partner. Reflect on what happened in your first marriage and how you want to avoid this in the future and how you can accomplish that. Relationships are hard work, but gratifying when both people are working hard. Know what you want and what you expect before you enter in again.