Three small steps

Guarding our hearts after divorce can be difficult at best, but so important in avoiding making a mistake. Roughly 50% of first marriages in our country end in divorce, 63-67% of second marriages, and 73-75% of third or subsequent marriages end in divorce. To keep yourself from being one of these second marriage and beyond statistics it is going take some time and effort to find the best person to become your partner. Divorce lawyers will tell you, that nine times out of ten, they see their clients marry the same type of person they just divorced and the client ends up back in their office within a few years. Believing that your life will be better if you just have someone else to love is going to get you in over your head with pain because the truth is you have to make your life the best it can be with yourself first before you add another person to the equation. So how do you do this? By taking time and learning who you are and what you want for sure.

Did you ever see the movie Runaway Bride, with Julia Roberts? In this movie she keeps running away from marriage right before reaching the alter. What she finally comes to realize, through the assistance of none other than Richard Gere, is that she doesn't know herself and cannot commit to someone else if she doesn't know who she is first. After taking the time to discover what she wants and why, she of course ends up with Richard Gere, and though I cannot promise you a Richard Gere, I can assure you a better chance of happiness with a partner if you have taken the time to figure a few things out before you remarry.

This is where those journals can really come in handy. First, take the time to write about the qualities you want in a partner. How are they like or different from your first partner. I knew I did not want anyone controlling or jealous in a second partner and because I verbally and physically (by writing about it) acknowledged this it made it much easier to spot this problem when it occurred and did it ever occur! I met a man that I had quite a few phone conversations with, and I told my friend I had this nagging feeling there might be control issues, but maybe I was not giving him the benefit of the doubt. We had a dinner date that was nice, but again, just a hint in my gut there was something lurking below the surface. Over spring break (I was an educator in my former life) my girl friend and I went on a trip together and upon my return this man called and as we were chatting I mentioned something in passing that was funny, and then it happened. A jealous comment came from him and I froze for just a moment before I said to him, "I have done controlling and jealous before; I am not going back there. Please do not call me again." I told him goodbye and hung up. Now, maybe you find this an over reaction, but like I said earlier, my gut was telling me and I was not listening that there was a problem, so when it came to the surface in an obvious manner, I knew I had to stop things right there and then. I would not ever be in that kind of relationship again. I have had enough knots in my stomach to last a life time and even if it meant being alone forever, I would not live that way again. I encourage you to define the characteristics you want and don't want and start identifying them. And consider this, the heartache of divorce is so extreme, do you really want to go there again? Isn't it worth the time and effort it will take to be sure it doesn't happen again?

Second, you have to identify what makes you happy and make yourself happy! No one else can make you happy! NO ONE!!! Not your children, not a new partner, not anyone but you, and once you realize this and put that responsibility on your own shoulders where it belongs, then and only then are you ready to begin seeking someone to share your life with because once you are happy in who you are and with your life, can you find someone equally as whole to be there with you. Additionally, material things cannot make you happy either, so even though a new partner might ease your financial burden in someways, you cannot look to this to bring you happiness. Yes, it might make some aspects of life easier, but is material comfort going to make up for the knots in your stomach (or whatever you are trying to avoid) in a subsequent marriage?

Third, once you are ready to seriously seek someone new, time needs to be a factor. Anyone can be on their best behaviour for a year, but it is in the second year of dating someone that the cracks begin to show and the reality of life with this person can hit you in the face and make you think about whether or not you are a good fit together. And I know, I've heard lots of people say to me, "but two years? How can I wait that long?" Isn't at least two years worth not going through divorce again? I dated an incredibly nice man after my divorce. He really helped heal my heart and opened my eyes to my own self worth, but it was toward the end of that first year when I started really evaluating what I wanted and what I expected that I started realizing that we had nothing in common and what seemed so attractive at the moment, would not sustain a life long relationship. After I broke things off with him, I really began to grow in my personal life, through seeking my own happiness, discovering what I really liked to do and following my dreams! I wrote a lot and read a lot to be the best person I could be and happiest person I could be. I eventually did feel ready to seek a partner and after dating for two years, we were married and are coming up on our fourth anniversary.

I realize, these three little steps, are just that, little steps. There are so many ins and outs to relationships and variables that make things different for everyone, but these three steps can make the difference and keep you from making a painful mistake. I will continue to write about our new relationships and sharing ideas with you. Write, read, dream, think, plan, compare and contrast, and never stop growing! Choose happiness!  

The Ten Minute Challenge

With the New Year in full swing, resolutions or goals set in place, the question becomes: Are you following through on your goals and resolutions? Are you taking the steps you laid out for yourself? I hope you are well on your way to a new and glorious year, but if you are struggling with those resolutions, or haven't been able to set out clear and specific step by step goals for yourself, then I have a challenge for you. I came up with this idea based on the ideas in my Seven Keys to Happiness program.

We often overwhelm ourselves when we want to make changes in our lives by setting goals with no clear cut path to achieving them. Saying I want to lose twenty pounds is a great goal to have, but how are you going to achieve it? Finding a new job as a goal is fine, but what will that require of you? So here's the ten minute challenge: every day set aside just ten minutes towards achieving your goals. Just ten minutes a day will make a difference because most of us, by the end of January aren't spending even a second thinking about those goals. What then do you do with those ten minutes? You take one step towards your goal. Want to lose weight? Use the ten minutes to change one habit, so instead of grabbing a hand full of chips for a snack, you cut up an apple and you do this every day until it becomes a habit. Need to change jobs? Spend ten minutes every day researching the job you want to attain and writing down the steps necessary to achieve it. Want to change your attitude? Spend ten minutes reading something positive everyday. Ten minutes is not much to give when you consider the number of minutes most people watch television. Give this a try and once ten minutes is part of your daily routine, you will probably find yourself allotting more and more time towards improving your life in all manners. Take the ten minute challenge for thirty days, that is all it takes to begin new habits that can change your life.

I am a strong advocate for the power of writing. Writing forces your brain to think differently and more precisely. Take the time to write in your journal and if you are working on achieving goals, I guarantee you, there will be a change in your ability to follow through when you write the goals down and then write about your progress! Take the challenge and choose happiness!

Writing your way to happiness

One of the fundamental elements of working your way to choosing happiness, is to write about your experience. Research shows that when you write about traumatic incidents that occur in your life, you will find a greater sense of healing and understanding by working through the process in this way. In Choosing Happiness after Divorce: A woman's 52 week guide to living a positive life, I emphasize the importance of journal writing. Journaling provides you with an escape valve to release emotion, to establish goals for yourself, to think through problems that arise and to contemplate all you have to feel grateful for in your life. I encourage you this week to go out and purchase a journal and begin to utilize the benefits of putting pen to paper. I know... you hated writing in school, why would you want to do it now? Because at this point in your life, writing is about you and your life, not an assignment that might feel like a punishment. When you begin, you may find difficulty in writing more than a sentence or two if you have never written in a journal before, but taking this time to write about all you are feeling and experiencing will help you in the end. I suggest that you write a little each day, though certainly, any amount is helpful. Whether you write for great lengths or in short bursts, take the time. Feel like writing a mean spirited email to that ex? Instead, write it in your journal and be done with the impulse. I am going to encourage you each week to avoid anger and meaness towards your ex. These only stall your healing and add nothing to your choice to be happy. So take out that pen and paper and get started. An idea for you to begin with this week: write a list of as many things as you can think of that bring you pleasure. Have a great week!