An unwelcome gift

My niece remarked recently about being hurt by someone in her life. She felt quite sad from the experience. I have felt that way myself in the past, and though I can still be hurt momentarily by someones meanness, thoughtlessness, or unkindness, what I have learned is that I have the choice to not accept their "gift" of hurtfulness and to choose to not let it affect me. While we may acknowledge what the person has said or done, we do not have to take it on. This is a problem for them, not for you. If you are acting out of kindness and love in all things, then let that person keep their "gift." If you have done something to them to incur their being upset, take responsibility and apologize, but then move on. We cannot control another person's actions, thoughts, or words, but we can control how we react to them. You can only choose happiness for yourself, and by making that choice, and practicing daily, you will soon find that it becomes easier and easier to live your life forward, to be happy, and to not allow someone else to control your thoughts or actions. If dealing with an angry ex, this may be difficult at times, but the marriage is over and the best thing you can do for yourself is to live your life and not allow this person to affect you any longer. Let your ex keep the "gift." Choose happiness for you.

Today's Harvest!

I wanted to share with you the harvest from my garden today! I have enjoyed having a garden this year after many years of one not being feasible. This is one of the simple things in life that brings me great happiness.

Steve and I started out the day running the Chick-fil-a 5k! This was my first race in over a year, having injured my neck in June of 08 and being advised by my physical therapist not to run. He started me on posture exercises though, and with continued yoga practice and power walking I have slowly built myself up for the run. It has taken practice and patience to get to this point again, but the best thing is, the posture building exercises, such as planks and wall stances have built my core and given me more strength than I had in the past. I thought I might not ever take up running again, but perseverance has paid off. I now run every other day, then walk thirty minutes and yoga on the days off from running. Choosing happiness is kind of like this when you've been through a traumatic, life changing experience. It will take patience and practice to build yourself back up, but the pay off can be, if you choose, to be happier than you have ever been in the past. You can come back with more strength than you thought possible. I encourage you to find an activity which brings you happiness. Make it a ritual each day to engage in this activity and find your joy! I'm not, nor have I ever been a great runner. I'm slower than the majority of other runners, but I do it because it makes me happy when I finish! And the endorphines sure keep my happiness going all the time! Spend some time in your journal listing as many activities as you can think of you might or do enjoy! Make time this week and go for at least one of them. Choose happiness!

Fill me with life!

Our pastor spoke today about the "Fuel" we need in life to fill us up. Ephesians 3:19 says, "That you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God." John 10:10 says, "I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." And Galations 5: 22-23 says, "God's Spirit makes us loving, happy, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled. There is no law against behaving in any of these ways."

In thinking about these versus and how they apply to happiness, I realize that when God says he gives us life and not only life, but abundant life, he is not speaking to our living and breathing, he is speaking to our well being, our thoughts our hopes our dreams OUR HAPPINESS!!!  Because embracing the gift God has given us in life itself is where happiness lies! When we live our lives with the attributes listed in Galations we can know happiness. While going through divorce and the months, years, that follow, if we stay centered in the negative there will be no happiness. It is only when we begin to live in a manner which embraces patience, kindness, love, self-control, will we truly find happiness. Each of these attributes require practice. They are simple concepts, but difficult at times to employ. Spend some time in your journal exploring how you can work on these in your life. Happiness is a choice you can make each moment of your life, but practicing the attributes that will bring you happiness will make the choice much easier to make. Have a happy day!

Today!

“Look to this day for it is life. In its brief course lie all the realities and truths of existence, the joy of growth, the glory of action, the splendor of beauty…Today well lived makes every yesterday a memory of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore, to this day…”

                                      -Ancient Sanskrit Proverb

What a great reminder - all we have is right now, this day, this moment and we should live it well! Though I struggle at times with this concept, as the years pass, I realize how true this is. Life is short and it is going by fast and I don’t want to waste a moment of it in anger, bitterness or despair! This morning, as I picked my first Heirloom tomato from the vine, I could not get over the beautiful pink undertone to the red! These tomatoes are “the splendor of beauty!” And they seem especially so since the squirrels ate the first harvest earlier this summer! I cut up that tomato, salted, drizzled with olive oil and balsamic, sprinkled on some goat cheese and fresh basil from my garden and enjoyed it for lunch. Magnificent! This seemingly simple act though, like so many we do each day, connects us to life, to memories, to who we are and to happiness. Because these very acts are the reality of the day and what we choose to do with them will determine our happiness. So no matter what actions you must take today, take a moment to find the joy or the beauty. This day is your life!

Book update

I am in the process of finishing my book, Choosing Happiness After Divorce: A Woman’s 52 Week Guide to Living a Positive Life. I am completing the final edit and working with my book designer on the cover and the design of the book itself. I have been surprised about what all goes into seeing a book move from conception to seeing it printed and holding the book in my hands. But what a great experience this has been! I have had a great time thinking, reading and writing, and though a lonely occupation at times, I have loved every minute! I look for it to be in print by October, though hoping for an earlier print date. This has been an amazing process from start to almost finished and so gratifying to see a goal I have had for most of my life finally coming to fruition. My life has changed drastically since my own divorce almost ten years ago. I have grown in a thousand different ways and all because I chose to be happy. I attribute this entire project to understanding somewhere deep inside myself that I could not, would not, stop living and from this, I want to share my journey and what I have learned with other women struggling to move forward. Take some time to write in your journal about where you are right now in the process of choosing happiness. Assessing your life now and then is a great way to see if you are diverting from the path to happiness and heading down the dark road to negativity. Happiness is a choice!

Laughing Clubs!

I am as of late reading A Whole New Mind: Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future, by Daniel H Pink. This is an interesting read regarding the creative mind and how our future depends on the people who can lead in creative directions. Now that many jobs are outsourced to other countries, we will need to develop other means of maintaining jobs here and the creative mind is going to be where that happens! I want to share with you one particular aspect he discusses in his book and that is about laughing clubs. I had heard these existed, but had never really learned anything about them; however, after reading about this, I thought how great a club would be for healing the hurt heart following divorce. Laughter truly is incredible medicine. Can’t picture yourself at a laughing club meeting? These are based on Yoga actually and were designed by a Yoga master, the wife of the man who started these clubs in India. Don’t totally disregard the idea until you check it out. I googled “laughing clubs” to see if I could find one close to home, but couldn’t find one. If there is one near you, give it a try and let me know what you think!!! If a laughing club doesn’t suit you, try renting some funny movies. Having a good belly laugh releases stress and according to a study at the University of Maryland, laughing helps reduce your chances of heart disease. Check out their website: http://www.umm.edu/features/laughter.htm Laughter is good for the heart and good for the soul! Find someone to laugh with and laugh your way back to happiness.

Living the Questions

I am reading Frances Mayes, Under the Tuscan Sun, for the third time. I rarely read a book more than once, but I love her descriptions of life in Tuscany, the people, the countryside, the house she restores with her partner and the food, ah the food! When I started harvesting from my garden this year I wanted to go back and be inspired once again by the gardens of Bramasole and the recipes Mayes shares. On this subsequent reading, a passage strongly resonated with me. Mayes talks about how after her divorce she felt the need to change her life, to not let her life “narrow.” I felt much the same way after my divorce, and knew I had to take steps to change my life for me. Mayes goes on to quote Rainer Maria Rilke, one of my favorite writers/poets: “You must change your life.” And I will quote him even further: “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves…Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” I spent a lot of time anxious about the future and worrying about what would happen next until I realized, it didn’t matter! All that mattered was that I live each day positively and confidently. You will survive divorce and if you live each and every day, and I mean LIVE them to their fullest, even though you do not know the answers, you will live into those answers and they will be what you want to hear if you are living with determination and in a positive manner. This week, choose a book to inspire you! Spend time writing your “questions” and how you will live them!!! Choose Happiness! NOTE: The movie of the same title Under the Tuscan Sun, though a lovely story, was only inspired by the book; it is nothing like the true story held within the pages and cannot touch the abundance of life Mayes describes. Pick up the book if you want to be transported to Italy.

A little activity is good for the brain!

Imagine my happiness when I ran across this little factoid, “a daily tipple and gardening boost longevity.” Being I enjoy my glass of wine and putter around in my garden most every day, not necessarily at the same time though, I figure I’m putting up a defense against dementia and increasing my lifespan exponentially. What a great bit of research. And this did have me thinking about choosing happiness and the importance of finding activities that you enjoy and at the same time are healthy. I couldn’t wait for spring this year, to plant my first garden in five years. After having spent three years on a mountain that could not sustain much other than pine trees and a Rosemary bush, and then spent two summers traveling extensively, when I realized I could finally support a garden again I dug out my gloves and headed to the garden store. It has been a great source of fun for me this summer, even though I have had to share with too many squirrels, but I have herbs galore and nine different varieties of tomatoes, zucchini and eggplant, jalapenos and chili plants too. When I go to the garden and pull weeds or pick my harvest, I find such peace in my head and in my soul. There is something so gratifying about seeing your hard work bear fruit and likewise, when you choose to work at being happy, and the results of your hard work start showing up in your day to day life, there will be great satisfaction. I encourage you this week to think about healthy activities you might enjoy. Choose something that will get you up and moving, out of the house, taking advantage of the longer hours of sunshine available in the summer. Even sitting outside in the shade of a tree reading or thinking is good for the soul. Take some time this week and write in your journal a list of activities you might like to try. Find a friend or go it alone, but choose to be active and keep that brain working and that body moving! Choose to actively be happy! (the above mentioned article can be found at: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Health/Daily_tipple_gardening_boost_longevity/articleshow/3823902.cms)

When the ex remarries

I have been on hiatus to New Mexico and Colorado for three weeks and then entertained family and friends for two straight weeks in my home, making this a whirlwind of a summer so far! I am excited to be back in my office writing and finishing up my book! Today I thought I would share with you choosing happiness when your ex remarries. The feelings can be overwhelming when an ex becomes involved with a new person. If this happens soon after a divorce or possibly even during the midst of the divorce it can be devastating, churning up anger, bitterness or even hate, but what I want to encourage you to do is to work hard on putting these feelings behind you as they will only hurt you and your children. There is no ideal time for a person to start a relationship after divorce, as there will be tough emotions no matter when it occurs, but the fact is, the majority of divorced people will seek a new partner at some time or another, and more than likely one or both of you will remarry and statistically the male in a relationship is most likely to remarry within a short period of time after divorce. Mothers play such a crucial role in their children’s lives and your acceptance of an ex’s girlfriend or spouse will make a tremendous difference in the long term for your children. All of us need love in our lives. The more people who love us and we love, the healthier we tend to be. Allowing your children to love their father and his girlfriend or wife is important for their future relationships. You are demonstrating for them that though life doesn’t always turn out perfect, we can learn to adapt and make the best of our lives no matter the circumstances. Allowing them to accept a new female in their lives, not to replace you, but to be another adult who cares for them gives them the ability to be with their father without anxiety and fear, and demonstrates your love and kindness. Children need their fathers. They need to have a relationship based on their own judgments and feelings for him, not yours. If you are forming their opinions for them, they will have difficulty trusting their own opinions of others and this is not healthy for their future relationships. This does not mean that you tell your kids to love and respect their father and then add a “but he is a lousy person” or any other “but” as they need you to assure them that it is okay to love him in their own manner. So your ex really is a lousy person? Then eventually your kids will see it for themselves and have the best relationship they can with him, but this needs to be their relationship, not yours, and it needs to be on their terms, not yours. Too many children are traversing this world without a male figure in their lives. And psychologists see the fallout of this everyday. Having a father, even a not so perfect one, is better for them than none at all. Allow your children to love and be loved. They will be happier and healthier adults for your having done so. My ex remarried this summer and I will tell you, the first time I saw a picture of his new wife and one of my grandkids my heart fluttered a little, but this is what I know, my kids like her, my grandkids like her and she in turns cares for all of them, and what more can I ask for in their lives? How wonderful for them all to have another person to love and be loved by! Stepmoms get a bad rap far too often. One last note in closing: I realize that if true abuse is involved, you will need to seek help from a psychologist and possibly legal help. Do not hesitate if this is the case.

Inspiration!

I am late this week and do apologize. I attended a speakers conference in Gatlinberg, TN with my husband and learned a great deal about the direction I want to take Choosing Happiness After Divorce. Though not everything we had hoped it would be, I did come away with some great ideas. First and foremost though, I was reminded that all I can be is up to me! I am the one who must put forth the effort. I am the one who makes things happen in my own life. I am the one who must choose everyday what I want my day to be! I like to hear other people tell me what I say so much myself! It is gratifying! Additionally, when the conference finished, we drove to Ashville, NC so we could tour the Biltmore Estate. Steve has been several times in years past and kept telling me how inspirational it was to him. He wanted me to have the experience. I had seen the Biltmore many years ago on the television show, America's Castles and thought it incredible, and couldn't believe I was getting the opportunity to see it in person. I cannot begin to describe what a truly inspiring experience this turned out to be! George Vanderbilt built a home on such a scale and with such grandeur, my words cannot describe it adequately. He was a highly educated, philanthropic man, devoted to family and friends, education, travel and beauty and brought all elements into play in his home. The library was my favorite room; imagine having thousands of books from around the world at your finger tips right in your own home! (I know, I know, we actually have that with online book ordering now, but I would prefer a library down the hall from my bedroom!) We took the behind the scenes tour along with the regular house tour and saw how the house was heated and cooled, how the organ worked, ice was made, refrigeration in the prep room for the kitchen, and so much more! I decided to share this personal experience because I think we all get so bogged down in our day to day lives that we often forget to look for inspiration! And you don't have to go to the Biltmore to be inspired! Look around you! Choose a place in your home town, or state! Or read a book about a person who has contributed to our world! Volunteer to help others! Cook a beautiful meal! Inspire those around you! Inspire yourself! This week write in your journal about what inspires you! And if it has been a long time since you have felt inspired, decide what you need to feel this way again! Have a great week! Here's to inspiration and choosing happiness!